Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

Agree @relaxitsok . Couldn't believe that bitchy comment. I hope the OP ignores it

People who have been through a similar life. How do you stand up to bullying managers when you feel quite emotionally weak? If you do

No.

You weren’t talking about your previous life and neither am I??? Unless your message is a hidden clue to your previous life.

You had a crap start, that's awful and you are allowed to grieve for the childhood you never had.
Take all the time you need to process the past, try different therapies and see what works for you.

Life is desperately unfair.
I've seen so many good people dealt a really shitty hand and absolute arseholes who seem to have great luck.

But remember, even though your past marks you , it does not define you. I hope you can find peace and work on the future that you deserve.

If it makes you feel any better I would venture that most children do have at least one adult who loves them and cares for them. So you were unlucky.
Get some therapy and make the best of the rest of your life. That's all you can control.

You’re welcome.

Think of yourself as the circuit breaker in the cycle of abuse, your life is a struggle to overcome so that your children and your children’s children have the love they deserve. You survived, as a PP has said, not all abused children do.

No I can't think of one person.

I have one older brother who lives in a different country. We are not close. He never asks me how I am. He never rings me. If I ring him, he usually doesn't answer the phone . If he does answer he is not friendly

I have no parents, aunts uncles cousins that were in my life.

I have no friends really.

Just acquaintances from groups i go to

Thanks. I don't have children. And I don't think I will have them. I'm 42 now.

It's been a lonely life and i do think what was the point of it all a lot. Just got to keep going I suppose

What do you like to do? Or would do more of if you had time and money? Can be anything, as silly as you want. Try naming that thing.

Agree. Odd people on this thread op. I would totally ignore, you don't have to explain yourself. Plenty of us get what you are saying.

Im so sorry that you had a really rough childhood, its awful and I really went through similar and theres still awful chronic care issues that follow me with some of those members of the family. I have awful pangs when I see happy families sometimes too.

But meant in the kindest way, I was lucky enough to realise to let go of the life isnt fair thing when i was late teens/early 20s and it was very freeing. I think you should too, not because it isnt true but because you'll never think the situation to fairness, you'll be stuck forever and itll eat you from the inside.

If a stray thought comes into my mind about it, I remind myself, do I really want this to be the last thing I happen to think of? How shit would that be? Life is for living and you need to find a way to move on. Not forget or pretend its ok, but find a way to move on.

I'm so sorry you had such a terrible and traumatizing upbringing.
It is desperately unfair and every child deserves love, warmth, safety and compassion.
I hope you can find happiness x

Agree. Some dickhead comments here.

I've had a lot of childhood advesity. Different to yours but am similarly without parental or family support. I poured myself into working. Which gave me some structure and success. Met a lot of unsuitable partners on the way and had a very unhealthy work ethic that lead to burnout. But generally I think you have to accept life is unfair and be accepting of your bad hand. Not to minimise it, but to stop the rumination that holds you back. I understand. It's bloody awful to realise you've never been a priority. I did find someone with similar adversities to share a life with and make my own family. But found that's when reality hit harder about how bad things were. Becoming a parent exposed a lot. But I cope by accepting it and trying to move forward and make good of what is left.

OP if you’re spiritual, you might enjoy / benefit from Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘A New Earth’. It’s about learning how to live in the present, leaving old trauma’s behind and generally living a peaceful life.

I thought it was an interesting and thoughtful comparison. Many abuse victims like op soldier on in life but it’s very difficult for them to function due to lack of love, and trauma and insecurity at an early age. Life isn’t fair to them and they are allowed to have days when they just feel desperately sad and alone. OP can see aspects of her life mirrored in some of the tragedies that make the news, and there is nothing wrong with saying that.

I feel that your responses are far more insensitive.

No, I was discussing getting past unfair. I don’t spray my life around, and I don’t intend to. But best not to assume that people haven’t had childhood trauma.

I had very little support through life from the time I was about 10. My dad fell ill and my mum checked out. You have to champion yourself. I know it’s easier to say than do but it’s the only way forward. I myself didn’t have paid holidays - I started to work at 15 I had no other choice. I worked and sturdied. I also felt like was unfair - and it is - my friends at uni were constantly at parties and meeting up for study and I had to work. It is what it is. You mention you have been to therapy - have you tried different therapists? One thing I have learned is that not all therapists are the same.

I’m sorry your life has been tough, @op

My own has been far from easy.

I don’t know what to suggest to you, but I’ll tell you what I do.

When I feel hopeless, and I regret the many years I didn’t enjoy due to money worries and not understanding how to relate to others, I think of how short life is. I’m in my 50s already. I haven’t been particularly healthy. I think, ‘even an oak tree gets hundreds of years’. Also, I read and think about the age of stars, planets, galaxies…. the size and scale of it all (impossible to comprehend). Then I return to my own silly little life and think, ‘well, I’ve probably only got another 20 years and I’m here now. I’ve got this far. I may as well just keep on keeping on, and try to make the best of it.’ This kind of helps a bit.

Constant anxiety about money and a small / absent or difficult family are hugely detrimental to a happy life, there are no two ways about it. I wish you peace. X

OP I met my best friend at 42. I am now 55. Life can change for the better. Are you able to access any peer coaching via your GP or MH services? It’s not therapy but a really good way to make small changes to improve things for yourself x

I never used to be good at this. I think you need to be in a position where losing your job wouldn't be a disaster. For me, this was after I'd been able to build an emergency fund. Only then was I able to get into a mindset of not being pushed about/being able to leave the job if I wanted. When you're alone with no support, it can be scary to stand up and risk your employment emotionally. Savings are your piece of mind here, if you can get to that point.

OP didnt liken herself to Preston Davey.
I took it to mean that of all the loving couples desperate for a beautiful baby, and poor little Preston was handed to those 2 monsters.
No, the OP wasnt murdered but had an awful childhood like many who can never tell their story because they dont have anyone who cares x

Therapy helps. I had boiling rage all through my 20s about the injustice of my childhood. I was consumed with bitterness. It was very, very ugly. Then I worked through it and am now in a much better place. I won’t lie, it took a long time (around 15 years) and I’m not 100% healed as I’m not sure you can be, but my life has transformed.