To call off girl’s holiday on the day?

[whereismyhisband]

I’m due to go on a girl’s holiday for a week with a friend, an all inclusive to Cape Verde.

This friend had warned me that she’s somewhat of an anxious traveller, but that it would be fine.

Our flight is at 4:45pm. Our airline has said be there a maximum of three hours early.

The airport is half an hour from my house and my job is 15 minutes in the other direction from my job.

I am working until 12, so that I only needed to take a half day of leave.

She has been texting me since 6am asking if I’m sure I want to work today, and asking if we should leave for the airport at 10! I can’t deal with this today, I have a lot to do before I finish at work and don’t see the need for it. I’ve never traveled with her before and to be honest if I’d known she was like this I’d not have booked it. AIBU to just not go?

The number of messages is worrying, I agree. But I think cancelling the holiday on the day would be a fairly dramatic reaction too. You’ve accused people on this thread of being hysterical, but you are going for a pretty extreme reaction.

This needs a firm response along the lines of “Friend, you know I’m at work - I can’t respond to dozens of messages. It’s too late to change my plans now even if I wanted to. If we get there six hours early, we’d have to wait three hours to even check in. I’ll see you at [time] as planned.”

I'm curious @whereismyhisband. You say you don't have empathy for this, but what do you have empathy for? I mean, where do you stand on people having mental health conditions? Because acute anxiety like your friend's experiencing is one, and it can be debilitating. She won't want to be feeling this way but she may just be unable to control it. So maybe think on that before dismissing her in such a callous way.

Cancelling at this late stage is an extreme reaction. I'd find your behaviour equally annoying. You're ranting about how irritating your friend is when, instead, you could have just sent a message saying, 'I'm going to be at the airport at 1pm. I'll meet you there. My phone will be off while I'm at work.' Then just mute your phone and carry on with your day. It's really not a huge deal.

Because that’s what friends do. Do you have any friends?

Your level of drama is 10x worse than what just sounds like a bit of an inexperienced traveller.

Cancelling on the day over this would be ridiculous and unforgivable.

But the OP can just say no to that. I don't think anybody is saying that the OP is unreasonable to dislike the pestering and the panicked messages, just that it's an overreaction to jump straight to wanting to cancel the trip and that it would be unfair on her friend to do that at the last minute. I'm sure there's a middle ground to be found here, but it's a bit difficult to tell if the OP is genuinely looking for it or if she just wants to have a moan about her "friend" and an excuse to get out of going on holiday with her.

Why is it OP's job to alleviate the anxiety and not the friend's job to find her own coping strategies? If she really has left 100 messages about wanting to arrive at an airport hours before they can even check in then this is severely antisocial. If she wants friends she needs to cope with this anxiety more independently because this isn't an appropriate or acceptable way to interact with somebody. Anxiety absolutely fuels off feedback as well so almost certainly the more OP panders to this the worse it'll get

What on earth makes you think I struggle to cope with others or that I should travel solo?

im a brilliant traveller and I’m well practiced at managing my DH and DD anxiety and I know how to do so without expending all my energy or increasing my stressors. In part because they both take responsibility for what they can.

a friend unexpectedly behaving as OPs is would take resource I don’t have.

that doesn’t mean I need to travel solo, wtf

and I can’t see that OP has been aggressive anywhere.

YOU have a flying phobia. That doesn’t mean OPs friend does and other than PP making assumptions there is no reason to think OPs friend has a phobia.

DD has a phobia I know fine well how debilitating they are and they go way past ‘normal’ anxiety.

funny how me saying I would have a panic attack if a friend puts this pressure on me makes me a bad person but it’s fine for this friend to have one at the thought of not getting to the airport six hours early

That’s what friends are for?

That's mental. Ignore because people like this mostly get worse if you start pandering or responding to it. If you have to respond, say that you're going to stick to your own timetable, and she can either choose to follow that, or she can be there earlier if that makes her feel better.

As others have pointed out though, it's a minimum of 3 hours early, not a maximum.

Doing things for friends works both ways not all one way

It’s rude to post on Mumsnet for advice now?

what has OP done to her friend that’s rude?

Why don't you just meet her at the gate after you've checked in?

You don't need to check in together - let her do her flapping, you'll see her before you board.

That's what I do if I travel with a friend or colleague.

YANBU.
I’ve read all your posts and it would drive me insane, too.
Tell her that you’ll meet her at the airport and you can’t be on your phone at work.

When she starts the pre-flight journey home nonsense, you’ll just have to shut her down every single time, tbh.
“Sarah, I know you said you’re an anxious traveller. However, I’m not and I’ve done a lot of travelling. I would like to enjoy the last day or so of my holiday so I won’t continue with this discussion any further.
We need to be at the airport for x o’clock and the taxi is booked for x o’clock.
Now, what would you like to drink?”

Or words to that effect.

If you don’t want to go and would prefer to cancel, own it. But don’t try to blame it on someone else, just because they’ve been texting you. That’s a weird and cowardly overreaction at this late stage.

OP, you are the one that needs to chill out!!!

I think she 100% should cancel. She’s obviously going to have a hideous time, and her friend will probably enjoy the trip far more without her.

Also on this

if a friend was honest and said eg please will you hold my hand it helps me to cope - and then one can make a decision based on that need - that’s totally reasonable as it’s upfront.

that isn’t what OPs friend is doing!

Yes. I can't believe she's getting any work done.

I feel really sorry for your’friend’ ! This holiday doesn’t bode well TBH . The more stressy you are with her the more anxious she will become…downward spiral!

Lol another bizarre friendship we hear about so much on here.

You're just as dramatic as your friend. You're well suited.

I was wondering whether to mention the gastric illness issues. That would worry me - missing the flight home because you’re too ill to travel.

Christ. I'm quite hardnosed but you just sound mean. Mute her messages, tell her she's welcome to get to the airport whenever she likes. And you'll meet her there. I hope she sees this thread and cancels on you to be honest. With friends like you and all that...

Plenty! But I don't expect them to manage my medical issues for me.

Why can she not just go to the airport on her own and you meet her there, though? I’m really not seeing the issue.