After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

[joshkenn]

I'm in a situation where I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

For context, I'm 44 year old, my wife is also 44, and we've been married for 17 years. We have three kids two teenagers and an 8 year old. We live in Madrid. I'm Dutch, my wife is Spanish. After we got married, I moved from the Netherlands to Madrid because her career was already established here, all of her family was here, and her work depends heavily on networking and long l term relationships. Over the years, I learned Spanish, built my life here, and our kids all have Spanish citizenship.

Our marriage is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful mother, and I love her very much. This isn't a post about an unhappy marriage. It's about something that has made me question whether we've been approaching each other's careers equally.

My wife works in the art world, so travel is a regular part of her job. Every year she spends about two weeks in Switzerland for a summit she founded, and throughout the year she travels for gallery openings, events, and galas in different cities and countries.

My job is much more stable. I only travel a couple of times a year, so whenever she's away, I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.

The interesting part is that money isn't really the reason I want to go. Between us, we're already very comfortable. My wife earns around €500k herself, and she's actually been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage.

The problem is that she doesn't want me to accept it. Her reasons are understandable. She says a year is too long, the kids need both parents at home, and she doesn't want our family living apart. I completely understand why she feels that way.

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.

Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

To be clear, I don't dislike my in laws. They're good people, and I don't resent my wife. I know she's made sacrifices too, and I know raising three kids is a team effort.

Probably I'm writing here just to vent but also, I'd really appreciate honest opinions because I can see both sides, and that's exactly why I'm conflicted

Also, be aware OP that a lot of MN don’t like men. You may have gotten different responses if you’d posted as a woman saying it was your husband who didn’t want you to go.

Frankly if you have two teens and an 8 year old you categorically did not make all the sacrifices for the past 18 years. They didn’t appear in a bubble of magic smoke.

What have you sacrificed exactly? You have a great career, 3 healthy kids, a good relationship. If you’d like to negotiate some time living in ND that’s fair enough.

If you haven’t been happy with the choices that you made and you resent some of them, the time to say it was then. It can’t be recalibrated now with this choice as form of ‘compensation’.

When you commit to having kids you kind of are committing not to go and live in Mexico on your own for a toot. Ditto getting a dog. You could call that a sacrifice but it’s also a gain isn’t it? It’s a balance.

The question is if the sacrifice in this case turned out to be your marriage not your career, would you still be willing to make it?

Its selfish to disrupt the kids. You go and take on the responsibility for travelling back monthly to every 6 weeks. Even if it is only for a few day at a time and longer time during holiday. They can come out to see you.

People all over the world make short and even longer term arrangements like this work.

Don't think of it as tit for tat, its taking turns to support each other. She doesn't owe you, you don't owe her, it's a partnership.

"There are times when it’s 70/30, there are times when it’s 60/40"

Michelle Obama

If it was a woman wanting to leave her DH, teens and 8 year old for year everyone would say don’t be s9 bloody stupid.

any sacrifices that have been made have been for the benefit of your entire family, not just your wife. I understand why you feel that you should be free to go and pursue your career now. If that’s what you really want then just do it, if you don’t it’ll probably cause all sorts of resentment that will poison things in the longterm. But I don’t think you can expect your wife to instantly loved the idea, as I’m sure you wouldn’t if she’d left the family home for a year.

Remember he earns 300k a year, he isn’t a sahm dad who’s given up his career for his wife, he’s obviously had a great career. I really think that’s relevant.

my dh moved with my job, I got a transfer to the other side of the globe and he came with me. But it worked well for him, he found a great job and loved our time there. At the time of moving I said he could choose the next move but frankly now I wouldn’t go with that, the move worked brilliantly for him and the way it worked out he didn’t sacrifice anything for me, I had our babies and looked after them while keeping my career up, I don’t owe him any moves that aren’t good for our family. I would never move away for a year.

What have you sacrificed exactly? he moved to a different country, his wife's - that's not nothing.

I think this is not your target audience.

I could have stayed in my own country and built my career there, but instead I moved to her country for her. I learned a new language and adapted to a completely new place. It wasn't easy, but I did it for my family. Isn't that a sacrifice? I could have had a much more comfortable life back in my own country.

Then I supported her career in every way I could. I looked after our three kids on my own for weeks at a time when they were 2, 7, and 9 years old whenever she was away for work. She spends a combined 2–3 months away from home every year, yet I'm only asking for one year. Is that really selfish?

It's not that I regret the choices I've made. I don't. It's about fairness in a marriage. After supporting her and our family for so many years, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for her support for one year.

It’s not nothing, but is it everything? This is the op ‘So I'm the only have to scarfice everything just because i agreed?’

I would be questioning whether her reasons are more philosophical or practical (you are enabling her job & she would have to think about childcare when she travels/limit her traveling).
If practical, she is definitely being unreasonable, she should at least discuss how it could work.

If you would be back every month and they would be able to visit you every few months (holidays plus maybe taking them out of school for a week in early November), it wouldn't be that bad amount of contact.

Your wife did not leave the family for a whole year.

You went with the flow when here career was going well because you had not really established a life you did not really give something up. Now you and your family are established its not the same at all

Does leaving your kids for an entire year not bother you? Not that little sounds like you are trying to make it vague to suit your argument.

Op you’re going to get slaughtered on mumsnet. This site is full of man hating women who want everything to be equal in their favour! Yes your wife should now let you take centre stage

I disagree. Although we have no way of testing that theory.

You’ve missed out all the context, they have no money constraints, he’s been primary parent for years while his wife has been able to travel for as long as and as often as she wanted to, it’s not like he isn’t going to see them at all for an entire year as both can travel to and from. His kids may love the chance to spend the summer holidays in LA!
It’s not as simple as ‘wanting to leave them for a whole year’
A year is not that long.

Marriage absolutely should be about agreeing things equally, and nobody should be left resentful. My husband & I discuss all of these things and if one of us is not 100% comfortable with something then the answer is no- no one person gets a veto and that’s exactly how it should be.

You were happy to make sacrifices, if you weren’t you have had 18 years to say no, you can’t now hold those things over her head. When she asked, you said yes. That doesn’t mean she has to say yes.

A year away with a family is a huge amount of time and as I have said my husband works away similarly to your wife- we discussed that and I am okay with that. But if he turned round tomorrow and said now it’s a year away the answer would be no, no amount of money would be worth that. If he held that against me, or went anyway, our marriage would be over.

I'm starting to find it difficult to believe you are the main parent when you keep saying it's 'only a year'. I don't know any parent that would see it that way, a year away from children is a huge amount of time.
You're also sounding more and more like some petulant child whining that 'it's not fair"!

I totally agree. My husband often worked away from home all week when our children were young. We accepted it but there is no way as a family we could have been separated for a year even with holidays etc.
I think it maybe it is more important for the children than the wife if the OP goes away for so long and just arguing with the wife is missing the whole point.

I think that is a bit harsh.

The OP is not helping his cause by presenting his relationship as transactional and then becoming increasingly entrenched in that position.

No, its because hes the primary caregiver and is going to move abroad for a year, leaving his kids, for money he doesn't need. How many women do that?

So it only works one way? At least in my marriage, it's her choice whether she can support me or not. I'm not going to force her. If she says no, I'll reject the offer anyway.

You might end up resenting your wife if you don’t go. Will you be able to work through that?
Could you get extra help for her while you're away?
I wouldn’t be able to go away from my family for that long but who knows I might say different if i actually got an offer like yours.

As this is a one year contract, is it going to be one of those jobs that in reality is so demanding you will not get time to go home to see your family or have your children come to you during school holidays? If it means you wouldn't see your family for a whole year, is it worth it to you?
If you definitely would have time to spend with your family, especially your children spending weeks at a time with you in US, then that could be seen as an opportunity for them too.
I do see your point about having supported your wife's career and wanting yours to now have priority, but this opportunity seems to have found you rather than you seeking it out. That will give it, I think, some sort of feeling that it is meant to be, like it is your one shot, do or die and all that. But it doesn't have to be. You might find, if you start looking, there are other similar opportunities that would suit you and your family better. Why wouldn't other companies see in you what this company does?
If you are 100% sure this is what you want to do, regardless of the affect your absence might have on your family dynamic then go for it or you will end up ruining that dynamic with regret and resentment anyway. But if you are in doubt about that, get proactive to find similar if not better opportunities. And bear in mind, companies seldom open with their best deal. Who knows what you might find if you start looking?

Ultimately, you and your wife are meant to be a unit, taking decisions together in support of each other, but also ensuring that whatever you do, you put the children at the heart of those decisions.

What you feel is real, and needs to be discussed openly and as supportively as you've communicated to us, with your wife. There are the objective elements, and then the emotional ones. Perhaps, she's never thought that you feel this way. It may be because the Spanish culture is all about communicating; sometimes sharing a lot more emotionally than a Nordic / Northern European would.

A year away from her work which she has built up may be untenable, especially if her job is linked with her identity.

I put myself in her shoes, and if you had this opportunity, I'd want to know how we can make it work so that the family is together as much as possible, where possible. Ie: transatlantic flights, the ability to work remotely (for both of you, separately, to support this), children having all their hols in the US, and family support to step in for the role you've been covering, with a finite time for the project. Perhaps, once you've had the discussion of how you feel, and what she'd feel if the roles were reversed, on all of these elements, you (both) will find a way to make things possible.

Discuss visiting your family (ensure you discuss role reversal, but also cultural differences if this is what stops her from visiting...and probe core reasons and save them. Together), either in discussing your overall feelings (including how you love her and your life, but a small number of things would make it all so perfect), or an entirely separate discussion. Communication is so key, but also discussing feelings, expectations, hopes and dreams.

Only works one way how? Decisions like this have to be agreed, you did agree to her business travel, she doesn’t agree with one year away. You didn’t have to move to where she lives, you didn’t have to agree for 18 years, you actually never had to agree at all. You have had 18 years to say no.