After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

[joshkenn]

I'm in a situation where I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

For context, I'm 44 year old, my wife is also 44, and we've been married for 17 years. We have three kids two teenagers and an 8 year old. We live in Madrid. I'm Dutch, my wife is Spanish. After we got married, I moved from the Netherlands to Madrid because her career was already established here, all of her family was here, and her work depends heavily on networking and long l term relationships. Over the years, I learned Spanish, built my life here, and our kids all have Spanish citizenship.

Our marriage is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful mother, and I love her very much. This isn't a post about an unhappy marriage. It's about something that has made me question whether we've been approaching each other's careers equally.

My wife works in the art world, so travel is a regular part of her job. Every year she spends about two weeks in Switzerland for a summit she founded, and throughout the year she travels for gallery openings, events, and galas in different cities and countries.

My job is much more stable. I only travel a couple of times a year, so whenever she's away, I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.

The interesting part is that money isn't really the reason I want to go. Between us, we're already very comfortable. My wife earns around €500k herself, and she's actually been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage.

The problem is that she doesn't want me to accept it. Her reasons are understandable. She says a year is too long, the kids need both parents at home, and she doesn't want our family living apart. I completely understand why she feels that way.

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.

Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

To be clear, I don't dislike my in laws. They're good people, and I don't resent my wife. I know she's made sacrifices too, and I know raising three kids is a team effort.

Probably I'm writing here just to vent but also, I'd really appreciate honest opinions because I can see both sides, and that's exactly why I'm conflicted

But it has to be something you BOTH decide you want after you have discussed it all dispassionately and without emotional baggage and resentment. And something that fits in with all your family.

Uprooting children from their peer group, especially at their ages, and dropping them into a new culture, educational system and teaching language is not a small thing and this is not your wife's fault, so please do not resent her for these inescapable facts. Friends mean so much to children of those ages. The implications of this need to be thought through in the context of your children as they are and their different emotional needs.

There will need to be compromise on both sides, but so hard to achieve in the context of your resentment.

You both have changes to face whatever is finally decided but do not expect her to leap at it .... you have suddenly pulled out the rug from under the whole family's feet, for what you see as good reasons, but remember she is blindsided.

Until you park the resentment and start to look at it as a joint family decision there is no way forward.

Again, you're changing the story. You're making it sound like I chased my wife and she didn't want to marry me.

Getting married was a mutual decision. And yes, I did make a sacrifice by moving to Spain for her. I had other options—I could have simply stayed in my own country, close to my family, and built my career there.

For context, we started dating when we were 18. We both studied in London, and that's where we met. Nobody chased anyone. We both chose this relationship.

I work here, and my kids are here, but it's also true that I can work in another country for one year and then come back. Families move to different countries or cities for work all the time.

What I'm asking is simple after all the years I spent supporting her career, could she support me for one year? Whether she does or not is entirely her choice. I'm not going to force her I'm only asking if it's reasonable to ask for that support.

I don't think what you're asking is reasonable, no. That's the simple answer.

I have a feeling your dw doesn't think it's reasonable either.

I am not changing anything. In my personal circumstances I would not have moved abroad when I was young so if I met someone from abroad they would have to come here or the relationship would end. How am I saying you chased your wife and she didn’t want to marry you? You are being ridiculous!

What I am saying is you moving to Spain was a choice. You could have chosen differently. You cannot or rather should not try and hold that over your wife.

It is not unreasonable of you to ask this of your wife but it also wouldn’t be unreasonable of her to say no. However it isn’t fair for you to say I did this for you, now you should do that for me. Each decision is separate.

If he doesn’t go and the resentment simmers she is going to be left far more in the lurch if they divorce

Is this woman incapable of looking after her own house and children especially as she insisted they live near her parents and extended family so she isn’t without support.

I come at this from the harm your wife is doing to her children by being away from the family so regularly.

My now exh did a job similar to your dw in being away for a portion of the month every month

Dc don’t have a good relationship with him. They were so used to him not being there, he became an inconvenience when he was there

Not saying that the wife is anything like now exh but all those weeks/ two weeks away each month will have had an affect on them.

You going away for a set amount of time but you having planned trips back and they have holidays spent with you in a different country and with the rise in your salary to make it a fun time when you are around and more of an adventure the lasting impact will be negligible.

I think your wife is scared that after a year of having to think of others not just herself and having the mental load of having to organise, even If it is just packing and ferrying dc to her parents / extended family members for a week or 2 each month and keeping on top of the house/ laundry / cleaner/ grocery shop that you will comeback more as her equal or higher earner and the status quo which she knows suits her at your expense will be changing

What are you hoping to gain from this? It seems all you want is for people to agree with you and tell you how unfair your spouse is being. You seem to feel very hard done by. I spoke upthread about how I made a similar choice to move when I got married. I didn't make a sacrifice for my DH. I chose to move. My DH owes me nothing.

Maybe now is the time you go to couples therapy or you split up? Holding on to so much resentment isn't healthy. I fear that you will turn down this opportunity and then become even more bitter. Don't be a martyr.

I think if she sticks to her No, you will need marriage counselling if you are to survive.

In a similar situation with my husband I would be wondering are we only still married for the childcare and convenience that my convenient career provides in supporting their single person like career.

Could she do this career if you divorced, irrespective of if you take this job?
Sounds like she couldn't.

She sounds very selfish.
Usually on MN it is men whom have these careers.

I really would be wondering will the marriage be superfluous to her once the children are grown, due to her selfish response.

I would come at this as the decision to go has already been made and what you want to do is sort out logistics and help

Getting a live in nanny, extending cleaners hours, on line shopping.

Going through the calendar with both your wife and dc and booking flight tickets for holidays/ weekends etc

As it is with your current company l presume you will be subject to Spanish employment holidays and not US ones

I think discussing this with your dc asap before your wife has told them her version.

This.

Trying to heal the resentment he feels about the past by taking this particular step may just cause more problems.

I would come at this as the decision to go has already been made and what you want to do is sort out logistics and help

Way to nuke your marriage. 👌🏼

Agree. I mean the wife can have a cleaner and cook and nanny and be the full time parent for a whole year and decide she no longer needs or wants the husband.

Once she found her grove it would probably be annoying once he came back

I think that living so close to her parents and extended family and having a dh that has allowed her to do the job she does means she has never had to compromise.

I would say that it’s that lack of experience in compromising and not being able to see the bigger picture and the consequences of her actions which has put her on an impossible pathway.
Does she think that her outright No means you won’t be going and you will climb back in the box she has put you in .

Has she thought through that if she says no and you go and then divorce her what her life will look like if she has to keep going away and will be splitting custody with you not just 50/50 but for extended periods when she has to go away each month.
Or moving children from their home to extended family members to your place within the space of a week and how disrupted that will be.

Or does she only think of herself

If your children were at university, then yes, go for it. But they're not. They still need lifts, and support and actual parenting. I'm shocked you're even considering this especially as you're painting yourself to be Father of the Year.

What I'm asking is simple after all the years I spent supporting her career, could she support me for one year?

I think this is the key to the problem. What was once a joint decision for everyone's benefit has become you being the knight in shining armour supporting her career rather than you both supporting family life in what was then the best way for all. I am sure it had advantages for you too. I think you need to let go of this new interpretation you have put on your married life to date. She does not "owe" you ... this is not a tit for tat scenario. This is both of you pulling together and doing your best for everyone.
But now things have changed with the job offer and some rejigging needs to happen, but it can only happen if you approach it in the right spirit or it is doomed to fail and everyone will lose out.

I’m team LA. It is only a year. It sounds like you want this.

Well I'd be incredibly resentful if I was in your situation but I'm a pretty crap, often childish person in a lot of ways. What would hurt would be her complete lack of willingness to.discuss it or any offer to change her life in the short term at least.

I agree that a year is really nothing in the scheme of a long marriage, as long as you can come home every 3-4 months for a vist or they visit you etc. As you say, solders are away for longer etc.

It is really really shite that she won't talk about how you might make this possible for you and it would tell me a.ot about how much she valued me as an equal partner .

She is used to you making the sacrifices ( and it absolutely was a sacrifce - ignore.all the po faced ' adulting' comments' ), one you made willingingly and with love. It has been ok for 17 yrars but now in the knowledge that she wont even consider your request, only a bloody saint wouldn't be at least a bit resentful.

That is my " obviously childish" take on it. I do think you have a real problem here though. Whether your resentment is reasonable ( I personally think it is completely understandable even if not reasonable, though others will disagree I'm sure) or not, it is there and is definitely danger to your marriage. You absolutely have to talk to her about how you feel about it and find a way to get past it, whatever you end up actually doing

But it isn’t for a year

You make it sound like he won’t be returning for a year. No one will see him for a year

The same could be said of joshkenn
He has spent over 5 years of his children’s lives being the sole parent so his dw could progress her career and when offered the chance to do the same for him for 26/27 days each month (he will be flying back each month for 3/4 days) or him having dc and her fly out for school holidays and for them to stay with him for several weeks whilst his dw returns to go away for her job.

I really don’t get the issue.

Being the primary caregiver would Spanish courts allow him to take dc to the US for the year and enrol dc in an international school.

If he turns down this job that too will nuke the marriage

If the marriage is only there because one party is there to do as they are told and not to want more then is there a marriage worth saving

Again there’s a lot about how hard done you are with your incredibly high income and your wife’s incredibly high income (literally 10x ours or more!) and not a lot of suggestions of solutions. What are you actually suggesting? You clearly had plenty of time and freedom to develop your own career to have the sort of salary you enjoy so how will you ensure this year doesn’t ruin your wife’s career? Are you getting a nanny? A driver? A cleaner? A housekeeper? You can do any or all of this. So come up with an actual plan and an actual schedule (keeping in mind you’ll want to negotiate extra time off with your employer) and present a starting point for a real discussion. Constant complaining about how unfair everything is won’t help as marriage shouldn’t be a scorecard - but also it should have space to shift around as life changes.

It is a year really.

A weekend visit every month and if she choices to holiday in America. It isn’t living together and sharing the load.

So I stand by for either of them if the other went away for a year by the time the year was up the other would of got their way of running the house and routines down to an art and the other parent being back would and does send off the routines.

Ask military partners when their partners come back after months and months away. Difference is they are serving country op just wants a trip and more money to keep his point scoring about how much they have sacrificed. They aren’t on their arse needing the job.

I know it’s not the point here, but there’s nothing that would convince me to move to America under the current regime…. that would be a huge factor for me if I was your wife…

Typical mumsnet gunning for the blokes! I’m with you all the way OP. I think you deserve to go and she should be giving her blessing.

That’s unfair. Yes it was his decision but when you are the one who is continually the one to make the sacrifice in support of the family / marriage it’s not “keeping tally” to observe that and want some reciprocity.

It’s curious how when one person who has given constantly wants some in return it suddenly turns into “keeping tally” and “point scoring”.

Exactly this, people are trying to leave (might be why the job came up!). If you have daughters I wouldn't want them to have the lottery of whatever the laws might be in that state that may or may not protect them or give them choices.

I don't think you can have two career-driven people in a marriage, especially when you have young children.

In my marriage, we're both in academia. My husband has a relatively secure job with a decent salary. My contract ended, and I won't be able to find another job in the UK without us having to move. I wasn't willing to put my husband and our little one through that, especially since the pay wouldn't be much better. Instead, I accepted a part-time job that I probably will never be truly happy in.

That said, if in 17 years my dream job landed in my lap, I would never even question whether my husband would support it. He'd probably pack my suitcase for me and throw me out of the door. He understands the sacrifices I've made, and he also knows that I made them willingly for our family. It doesn't mean I'll never get my chance.

Her version? That they won't be able to see him unless he decides to fly back for them and swoop back in their lives for a year? That he hasn't actually explained to his wife why he feels so hard done by and has been harbouring resentment because he wanted to be seen as the hero for moving? The kids hearing it before she does is certainly one of the most childish and manipulative suggestions on this thread. If you want her to divorce you do that.