After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

[joshkenn]

I'm in a situation where I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

For context, I'm 44 year old, my wife is also 44, and we've been married for 17 years. We have three kids two teenagers and an 8 year old. We live in Madrid. I'm Dutch, my wife is Spanish. After we got married, I moved from the Netherlands to Madrid because her career was already established here, all of her family was here, and her work depends heavily on networking and long l term relationships. Over the years, I learned Spanish, built my life here, and our kids all have Spanish citizenship.

Our marriage is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful mother, and I love her very much. This isn't a post about an unhappy marriage. It's about something that has made me question whether we've been approaching each other's careers equally.

My wife works in the art world, so travel is a regular part of her job. Every year she spends about two weeks in Switzerland for a summit she founded, and throughout the year she travels for gallery openings, events, and galas in different cities and countries.

My job is much more stable. I only travel a couple of times a year, so whenever she's away, I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.

The interesting part is that money isn't really the reason I want to go. Between us, we're already very comfortable. My wife earns around €500k herself, and she's actually been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage.

The problem is that she doesn't want me to accept it. Her reasons are understandable. She says a year is too long, the kids need both parents at home, and she doesn't want our family living apart. I completely understand why she feels that way.

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.

Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

To be clear, I don't dislike my in laws. They're good people, and I don't resent my wife. I know she's made sacrifices too, and I know raising three kids is a team effort.

Probably I'm writing here just to vent but also, I'd really appreciate honest opinions because I can see both sides, and that's exactly why I'm conflicted

What did was nothing? Everything was just pointless?

Agree and the responses are very nuanced with many people supporting the OPs perspective completely.

You tell me. Is something just pointless if you don’t get what you want? Is that what you think a healthy relationship looks like? Transactional?

Isn't that a sacrifice?

No ... it's a choice. One that you now regret and that you need to discuss with your wife without resentment.

No-one forced you. There will have been advantages to your position. It is not all negative.

Your resentment is not helping this situation. It is entirely reasonable that you should be attracted by this job offer but not reasonable for you to approach the debate with your wife from a position of resentment and in an accusatory tone.

Agree to disagree in this particular instance.

I don’t see moving country as a sacrifice no, I see it as growing. A positive life choice to embrace a new country and language. That’s how I’ve always seen my country choices anyway. I didn’t do it for anyone else. Nor did my parents.

If you were not happy with holding the fort while she was travelling for work it was always an option to ask her to change roles. That would have been completely valid. And if you were asking to prioritise your career now after facilitating hers - that is also totally valid.

But you can’t try to balance your wife’s working away periodically with buggering off for a year. They’re 2 completely different things.

What you're asking for is huge. You willingly agreed to move countries 18 years ago to make things work for your marriage and your family because that was what you wanted at the time, and it's not exactly fair to start pointing to those things as 'I sacrificed so much...' because it makes it sound as though those were things you didn't want. You did want those things. You GAINED so much by doing it, too.

Wanting to step away from your wife and children for a year and be on the other side of the world is a very different thing and you haven't mentioned anything at all about the impact on your wife or kids of you taking this opportunity - it's all about you and how it's so unfair that your wife won't let you do the thing you want to do. I'm sure she's made plenty of sacrifices in your relationship over the years too, but all you can see if what you've done.

At the end of the day, you entered into a partnership and big decisions have to be made jointly. Especially ones that upend everything you have spent 18 years building together. You want to check out for a whole year, and where does that leave her and your kids? Have you asked your kids how they'd feel about it? Or is it only about you? If you don't want to make sacrifices, you don't have kids. It is what it is. Sometimes you don't get to do the stuff you want to do exactly when you do it. But this is not all about you.

It is not always about money, it is self-actualisation, personal growth and maximising human potential.

No one is forcing women to sacrifice themselves on the altar of motherhood. If they do, that is their choice. A choice OP has gone with for 17 years but no longer works for him.

This is a family who are perfectly financially placed to outsource all the household management and grunt work of life to allow them both to have full careers.

Can she make that choice for me? Could she leave her job for one year and move with me to LA? The kids would get valuable international experience, and plenty of families make similar decisions for temporary work opportunities.

Oh come on, it is perfectly fine for the parent of an 8yo to work abroad for 1y. I’m assuming OP will be able to fly back a few times, even just for a weekend here and there.

If my DH had moved to my country, learned the language, supported my frequent work trips, I would definitely not object to a one-off one year away, especially with older children.

OP, out of curiosity, when your wife has business trips does she ask you if that is ok with you (and would accept a no), or does she tell you?

I could have stayed in my own country and built my career there, but instead I moved to her country for her.
What? Moving to Spain for her was a sacrifice but going to America for your employer is an opportunity.

Some people have given really insightful, thoughtful responses to this problem. Much more insightful and thoughtful than the (supposed C-suite) OP has been.

Based on your description of how you have lived to date your wife is being very unreasonable and selfish. A year is no time at all in the grand scheme of things and since you can afford the international travel for multiple holidays in that time it really is no big deal. She should have enough seniority in the workplace for the necessary juggling around family but if not she/you can clearly afford extra child care. I don't buy her arguments at all. If she really believed the impact on your kids will be significant she would never have chosen the lifestyle you've had to date. Of course a year IS different from the existing pattern but your kids will weather it because the necessary emotional security/healthy attachment is already established.

If you can't see the difference between a sacrifice and an opportunity, then I can't help.

Yes, this job and project would be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Moving to Spain was a sacrifice I made for my wife's career. Those are two completely different things.

I can't help wondering whether you'd get more support here, if the genders were reversed.

The least your wife can do is to sit down with you and your children to see if there is a way to make it work. If you still can't find a solution, then at least you will all have tried. However, if she has just said no, then she is being unfair.

What are you hoping to get from this thread OP?

You seem very sure of what you want, the thing now is to talk to your wife.

Think creatively - is there a compromise whereby you're away for less time? Or they all go to you for all the school hoildays?

Or a different opportunity you could take that would also make you feel fulfilled? You've got the financial freedom.

I don't think you're going to get the support you are looking for @joshkenn

For what it's worth, I agree that either you should move to LA alone or the family should go as a group. It's only 1 year and an excellent opportunity. Why wouldn't you?? But majority of Mumsnet seem to act like you should cease to be your own person or have ambitions once you have children. I think if you don't it will fester resentment.

You have made sacrifices and those saying no it was a choice are being pedantic in my view. 100% it's a sacrifice (and a choice) to opt to live in wife's country where you have to then learn another language.

I think an open and honest discussion with your wife is needed.

Thanks for understanding! People are acting like my younger son will forget me within a year. I don't understand the logic behind that, haha.

People in the military and many other professions have much younger children whom they only get to see a few times a year.

I could visit every month for 3–4 days, they could visit me during the holidays, and we'd have daily video calls. It's not like we'd completely lose touch.

It's become a routine now. She doesn't even have to ask anymore she just assumes I'll handle things. Anyway, I've become a pro at it, so I manage. I genuinely love doing it because they're my kids. And honestly, everything she does is for our family too. She works incredibly hard, so we're a team. I'm lucky to have her.

The different is she goes away for work here and there she isn’t going for months or years at a time.

You made the choices you did to live where you do. You didn’t have to move to her country or even marry her or have children with her.

If you where saying you’ve got a job that will now give you travel then sure but from a job where your home every day and have been for years to a sudden bye I’m off for a year is a bit of a leap can’t you see that?

I know people posted about other work away jobs but those jobs are normally the norm in that persons life.

I wouldn’t marry a man in the army or who went away on an oil rig for 6 months. It’s not the life/marriage I want.

If dh suddenly decided he wanted to it would be a pretty big deal and possibly honestly a deal breaker.

One person’s sacrifice is another’s opportunity no? The difference is entirely subjective.

We had the opportunity to move to Europe for DH’s job. I was entirely up for that as I’m half Italian and prefer hotter countries. In the end we stayed here. But that was not a ‘sacrifice’ on my part it was a conscious decision we made together.

I’m not sure whether these were positive choices you made at the time that you’re now billing as sacrifices to justify this trip; or whether you’re just not good at making decisions in favour of other people and thus shouldn’t have attempted it.

You need to talk to your wife and explain how important this is to you and your career, explain that you have enabled her to soar in her chosen career and now that the children are older you feel it is your turn to soar in your chosen career.

If you don't go will you be able to deal with the resentment that you will feel, as that would be the worrying thing for me.

It sounds like an amazing opportunity and the money you would be earning is eye watering. I would love if myself or my husband were to be offered this opportunity to earn that kind of money.

From your posts I don't think the money actually comes into your decision, it is more that you feel that you put your career on the back burner to be the parent at home and now you would like to feel the same from your wife.

You will have to decide if this is a hill that you are willing to die on, and possibly end your marriage as the disappointment and resentment against you wife will slowly creep in and sour the relationship in my opinion.

You say you moved to Spain for her but surely you also did it for you? Because you wanted to be with her? You chose to marry someone from another county and move there. You didn't have to, it was a choice. This does not give you the right to use your choice as a stick to beat her with years later. You are now established in Spain, you work there, your children are there. I don't believe you have been resenting or regretting your decision - certainly not if you have the great marriage that you say you do. You make choices together throughout your marriage. You just can't stack up all the things you have done over the years (seemingly without complaint) and then to just expect her accept your plan on the basis of them. You are massively changing the goal posts here. I think in a marriage if one person says no to something then it is a no, be this having another baby, getting a pet, moving to a new place etc. Just because one of you once said yes to something, doesn't mean the other one then has to do the same. Of course if the something is a dealbreaker then you have the right to leave the marriage.

Exactly.

I have a friend who did something similar for 2 years

Biggest issue she had was settling back down into family life when she came back. Although because of the experience it gave her, the company gave her a huge promotion and with the bonus from the project she is now a board member. It meant that family could move house and buy their dream home.

I think the money is very relevant here. If he goes abroad for a year, his wife can easily employ a nanny to help with the children, or whatever other household help would enable her to spend more time with the children herself.

I think it isn’t ideal but it is workable. I’m not sure I could fly back for only 4 days it’s bloody knackering (I can’t sleep on flights).

It would be fantastic if your DW could take a sabbatical and move out there for a year. You would need to check about health insurance cover for all of them for the year.

What are Spanish school holidays like? Would the in-laws help with the DC childcare.