AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

[Petuniapet]

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

“I expect when writing this you knew most mumnetters would come down on your side. This web site is very anti parents”

ooooh thats ugly of you to get so personal with the op.

I don’t think unloving parents get the free reign here that they do in general society. Posters are more clued up on family dynamics, inter generational trauma and all that.

if mumsnet existed 100 years ago people would have been irritated by the rising incidence of people not being happy about being mistreated by their husband. Now days not many people are unhappy about the end of an abusive relationship. It’s progress. It feels scary and uncomfortable and makes people a bit more likely to think about how they make the people around them feel. This is not for everyone.

You have arranged to get together for dinner.

He was hurt. You were hurt.

Now sorted because dinner arranged. So why carry on posting long posts arguing with posters justifying yourself. It’s done and dusted now surely

He sounds hurt but you havent done anything wrong at all.

I think you’re getting a lot of stick here OP and hindsight truly is wonderful, a lot of the posters seem to think you should have it, maybe you have powers we do not?

I think you DF is being unreasonable.

He refused to come out with you all, he also refused to take his cards on the Thursday when he knew that he wouldn’t see you on the Sunday, through his own choice.

When you called to say there was D&V in the house he didn’t ask how you were or ask you if you needed anything. Having one BF baby along with your DD and your DH being ill must have been beyond exhausting.

He’s then lied by omission when he’s spoken to your DU and made out that he’s been more or less abandoned by you when it was his choice not to see you on Father’s Day, his choice not to take the cards and you really can’t help your immediate family getting sick.

If I’m honest I can see why he’s divorced and has no friends.

He is also critical of your choices and how you run your life and he also seems to want the relationship with you and your DC entirely on his terms.

I’d think about leaving him for a while. Maybe post the card or pop it through the letterbox.

If he does ask why you’ve been quiet tell him that you’re upset that he didn’t want to see you on Father’s Day and celebrate with you, DH and his DGC and you’re also upset that he’s complained to your DU but not told him the whole story.

I also think that you need to consider how you’re going to handle the relationship moving forward.

It seems like you’re doing all of the chasing and accommodating and he’s doing very little.

I’d also stop telling him much about you or the DC. I’m in a similar position to you OP. Am diagnosed as ND, DM isn’t but has a lot of traits and it’s pretty obvious where I inherited my ND from DM is also super critical so I have to grey rock her. She has extremely fixed views on what she considers the “right thing to do” and any deviation garners criticism.

You don’t have to break your back trying to please him. It’s fine to suggest things but if not interested that’s up to him.

I’m probably more your DF’s age and I’d also like to warn you about him trying to make his loneliness your problem. It absolutely isn’t.

Presumably he has the internet, like most of the population. He can find out what’s going on locally that he could go to if he wanted to.

His choice not to socialise and talk to people does not mean that you have to provide all of his social contact for him.

You’re allowed to look after your own family and him sulking when you’ve said that your DD and DH were sick and not offering any kind of help is very telling of how he thinks that he should be your priority.

Sweet that he popped around with a plant for your DD

I would put it down to venting. You can't be your father's only social outlet and he has isolated himself. You are entitled to live your life and haven't done anything wrong. He had no news to tell his brother but could easily have explained your household was ill.
You will never please him or fix him, know that you have done enough and his lonely ways are not your responsibility. A meal once a month is ideal, just revert back to your schedule and move on. Don't hold his criticisms in your heart or head and let them hurt you.

I have a father who is very hands off too. He’s never once called me since I left home over 30 years ago. I didn’t even find out about my grandmother dying until after her funeral. We simply wouldn’t talk at all if I didn’t call him.

I missed Father’s Day once and got a message from his partner that he was very upset he didn’t receive a card. I was surprised. I didn’t think it would bother him in the slightest.

You sound like an attentive and caring daughter op; especially given how your father is. Yes, you could have taken the card round,
but under the circumstances I can understand why you didn’t.

I am pretty sure that a lot of people would hand over the card once they actually saw that person in these circumstances without the father batting and eyelid. To me its the most obvious solution.

He’s childish but at the same time old before his time. Knowing how he is I probably would have made a very quick visit (5 mins) to drop the card off. Unfortunately he sounds a chore and doesn’t inspire people (even his own kin) to want to spend much time with him.

He sound very difficult. One of these parents that cant be pleased.

Its not important if it seems done and dusted to you. Its OPs life and her issue to talk about, not yours.

You mean so her own children don't get to celebrate the day with their own father? Because a grown adult can't maintain any other family or friend relationships? Really? Why should her intractable and difficult father take priority over her own children and their father? Given that her father never actually wants to do anything or spend time with her children, what do you suggest she should have done to please everyone in this situation?

Do some people just not read properly? Batshit.

My dad is autistic and he sounds like him to be honest, very stuck in his ways doesn't like new things and likes things the way he likes them, he's also has a special interest in music and cars so he talks about those things none stop and doesn't like to talk about or do anything he has no interest in, I don't mean to sound like I'm diagnosing your dad but he does sound a lot like mine

Isn’t Father’s and Mother’s Day about celebrating Fathers and Mothers? So, you say thank you and show appreciation for them by doing something they enjoy and want to do rather than suggest they fit in with existing plans that celebrate another father (your husband)? I imagine he likely does feel like he doesn’t matter to you. And if he doesn’t matter to you then frankly who does care about him? I get why he’s feeling overlooked, neglected and invisible.

He seems like a very typical man to be honest. Putting in no effort into relationships, taking no initiative themselves to make plans with people, not bothering to maintain friendships and relationships, and then wondering why they are lonely.

Does it not occur to you that there's a reason he's in this position? Why should the OP prioritize someone who behaves in such a way that nobody else wants to know him? Why is he more important than her children's father? It's very clear he's never made that much effort with her so why do you expect her to keep pushing and pushing for the kind of relationship he clearly isn't interested in?

When women post on here saying they make all the effort in a friendship and the other person doesn't give any thing back they are told to drop the rope. Why is it different in this case? Because it's her father? Surely in that case it's even more on him to show willing?

I just cannot get my head around some of the attitudes on here.

Yes that does sound very similar to our dynamic.
I have been trying for years to find a way for us to spend time together that suits us both but I've found it challenging to be honest. I have organised days out that are centred around his interests and he just says it's not his thing which I think is his way of saying he doesn't like visiting public places. I have offered to come round his and bring food/tea or whatever but whatever I suggest he says it's no good for him (he has undiagnosed gut issues and whatever food I say will be the food that sets it off that week). Even when he agrees to dinner he has to specifically tell me what he wants down to the type of sauce or brand of something. I accommodate this but sometimes he will then tell me I've not cooked it the right way. I've asked if we could do a garden project together but he gets irritated when I put in my ideas and wants to just tell me what he wants to do. So I just listen, but there's only so much listening I can do and that's not really improving our relationship.

Yes I am pretty sure he is ND in some way but he absolutely would not even consider a conversation about that!

I don't use Mumsnet particularly regularly so no I didn't know. I am also ND and often second guess my perspective as it isn't uncommon for me to see things differently to the majority of other people. My DH agrees with my view but he would be likely to just support me and I wanted a balanced opinion.

Most grandparents, including my DC's other GP, would be happy to spend a family day at a zoo or have family come round to visit whilst the kids play. My Dad is not.

I did make an effort, he chose not to take the card when offered and not join in when invited. I also arranged a day just for him to celebrate another time and spend time together. I took details of the exact meal he wanted down to the tote of sauce and the brand of bread. I think sometimes you are just not going to please someone and you and my Dad would probably get on having a good moan together about his awful neglectful daughter.

I was questioned about things so I responded 🤷🏼‍♀️

your dad shows a lot of awareness of social norms and psychology to be telling you about a conversation that happened for the purposes of shaming you. That’s manipulation, thats not oblivion. I’m autistic and damn sure know when I’m being shitty.

I may be misunderstanding but my take is this:

In fairness you invited him out for Fathers day, he didn't want to join the day out which you knew in advance and perhaps should have tailored the event to something he may have enjoyed, you went anyway (I get it was your husbands day too) but must have known this in advance so why didn't you pop in to give him his card or post it beforehand. Why you should have done this became obvious from later events. People need to know they are valued on the specific celebration day, not a week later when its convenient for you, that is the whole point of a celebration day

So then you re-arranged for the following weekend, the kids were ill and it was the right thing not to go and a valid excuse, but still no effort to get him even a card - I think that whilst I would understand, I would feel undervalued and overlooked too.

Your Dad sounds depressed and self isolated as a result of it (that is not your fault), too scared to go out and too depressed to make an effort. He needs help. He is not living, he is existing and he certainly hasn't moved on from his divorce.

Your Dad needs to be encouraged to see a doctor as he doesn't sound well, mentally. He seems to have withdrawn and being in his 50's that is no age to be so isolated.

I don't think the op does have a caring parent, she has a parent who can't be bothered to make the effort with her children and will only do something if it entirely suits him. OP has tried to accomodation his feelings and wishes and is still in the dog house. And people on here are focusing way too much on the undelivered father's day card.

I dunno about you, but when my kids throwing up and there's nobody else to step in, it's all hands on deck.

Obviously you would abandon your kid to pop round to have a cuppa with someone who isn't very nice to you. Stars all round.

So you were going to give him a Father’s Day card 2 weeks after FD? You knew you wouldn’t be seeing him on the day so why not pop the card round on the Saturday and spend half an hour having a coffee with him?