AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

[Petuniapet]

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

The OP offered to drop the cards round on the day. Her DF declined… Hardly fair to blame her for that.

But even if she hadn’t under the circumstances, it’s disproportionate and ridiculous of her DF to make to make such an enormous deal out of it.

If he doesn’t like going out with the op and her family and he doesn’t like her visiting him with kids then he just has to suck up the situation that is of his own making?? I would absolutely not take children around to my parents and be ‘oh no we can’t knock on the door, we don’t go in to grandpas’
‘you know what Dad, you need to get a grip, I have really young children and can’t just leave them. You don’t like coming out with us and you don’t like us visiting and that is just really going to limit our face to face time, even over Father’s Day if we have ill children. These are your choices and I’m sorry the results of your own choices upset you but you don’t get to take it out on me. I’ve been trying here and it’d be nice if you tried too.’

Oh and I’d add having a go at me is not trying, in case you thought it was. Being mad
at me for not dropping the card in that you asked me not to drop in is the opposite of trying. I can’t win and right now I’m fed up trying. One of us has worked hard at making the other one feel welcome and loved, and one of us just criticises. There are no prizes for working out which one you are.

I'm mid 50s, not divorced. One DD. I was kind of empathising a bit with DF until I got to this. Who moans about the house someone buys?

He sounds too much of a childish woe is me victim. Plus avoids the DGC?

Yes he didn’t get the card dropped round as the OP was dealing with a sick DH and DC (and having offered to do so regardless).

So what? It takes a particularly self-centred and spoilt person to make such a big drama out of something so petty as not getting a card on the day in such extenuating circumstances.

If that had happened to me, my thoughts would have been with my DD and my SIL and GC and how they were coping with their sickness. It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind about the cards! He’s 50-something, not 5!

Was their opening song "Come as you are" by Nirvana?

Edit apologies ignore wrong thread

And yet it’s still all the OP’s fault because she didn’t drop round a card despite her DF saying not to bother, and despite managing a house of sick people.

It doesn’t matter how petty, unreasonable, self-centred, lazy, grumpy and bitter the DF is, for quite a few posters, absolutely everything is trumped by the poxy card.

It seems that DF can be as shit as he likes, but on the basis that OP supposedly didn’t behave flawlessly, she’s still the one to blame. Madness!

I just think it's pretty poor know you know he's upset. He's probably ND too and has told you he feels further.

He's at yours in the Thurs you offer cards he declines
Actually fathers day comes and goes with a text, not a phone call, you're busy.
Following week you cancel dinner via a text, no phone call to explain,.not dropping cards and gifts to apologize.
Dinner rearranged.for the following week, again cancelled by text, no phone call. Dad finally discloses he's upset - might be because he brother has highlight how shit it is - and you still do not go and see him but arrange another dinner.

Roll forward 20 years will you be happy your DC putting his much effort in for your DP? Or would you be encouraging them to try just a little bit harder?

I would message him the gist of this @Petuniapet . You have a lot more on your plate than he does and his is being completely unreasonable.

He is not elderly, not weighed down with any dependants taking up his time and you gave him several options, including taking his card with him shortly before Father's Day.

I expect when writing this you knew most mumnetters would come down on your side. This web site is very anti parents. Your dad is 50 and is not old, perhaps he dosnt like doing things a 4 year old wants to do, have you thought of that? Ask him what he would like to do, even if it is only sitting in with a cup of tea and telly.
You are his only child and Im Not surprise he is upset about Father's day.you know he is a loner and you are all his got so make an effort.
Do you see your mum? Do you know why they spilt up when you were 9. Did you live with your mum or dad.? You could have popped round to give him his card on father's day just for 5 mins.

I’m guessing she had plans with her husband on Fathers Day that were more child-focused so her father didn’t want to join. Hence the planned activity not taking place on actual Father’s Day. Seems clear to me?

Yes I would be okay with my DC following the instructions of what their DF asked them to do on Father's day and if he then became irritated with them for not giving him a card or seeing him on the day I would remind him that those things had been offered but he declined. I would also remind him that they have other commitments and their world can't revolve around meeting his many demands of he were to make similar requests as my DF.

I think you should have dropped the card round if you live so near, even posting it a day early if necessary due to your day out. No point getting a card one or two weeks after the event.

That said, if he doesn't like going out, ask him direct what effort he'd like from you exactly. You can then decide and respond if he's being unreasonable (with you having such young DC to care for). He sounds rather dull if he has no hobbies and won't go out.

I’ve read your replies but not the whole thread. Not sure if anyone else has suggested but are there perhaps community groups that he could go to get himself out? I’m thinking the male focused ones, some teach skills or fix things. Car skills could be shared!

To be honest he sounds like a misery. He's not an old man and he's not dependent on OP. I wonder why she even bothers.

Honestly can't believe some of these comments!
My dad sounds pretty similar, albeit he has my mum there with him. He is very much of the generation that children should be seen and not heard and he doesn't enjoy doing anything with the kids. Growing up, holidays and days out were always aimed at things he would like rather than what we would have enjoyed (despite going abroad many times a year, my favourite holiday as a child was when we went to Butlins with some of our cousins!). I can count on one hand the number of days out my dad has joined us on with the children, despite being regularly invited. I've made sure I do the opposite with my children and every holiday/day trip is done around things they enjoy. My dad constantly berates me for this, but at the end of the day seeing my children happy makes me happy.
Both of my children are ND, I'm not diagnosed but pretty sure I am too and finally, in his 70s, my dad has realised that he is also likely autistic (he definitely is!).
I totally understand how busy life can be and I have similar issues with my dad, whereby I live 10 minutes away, but can't always get over to see him, especially when he doesn't particularly like having the children there.
Father's day really is not that big of a deal and it's not as if you didn't invite him. If I were you, I'd just let him sulk, but keep messaging/trying to visit as normal. I'm sure he will soon get over it.

This is confusing for you because your dad isn’t operating on the same logic you are. The relationship you have with him is the one he wants. He can’t offer you any other sort of dynamic. He doesn’t understand himself and it’s not your job to understand him. None of it is your job. He’d be quite happy to know you’re churned up by this. He feels entitled to your emotional angst. Your dad’s problems began long before you existed. He failed to keep a wife to be his emotional punching bag but he’s pulling all the levers to make sure you don’t see things clearly.

you deserve none of this. He isn’t a child.

I agree. He lives 5 minutes away. You should have popped in to see him on Father's Day and given him a card and present regardless of whether you were seeing him the next week. That's bloody obvious isn't it. No surprise he's pissed off. He's clearly been embarrassed when his brother has called in and its 3 weeks later and hes not even had a card from you. That's pretty shit, especially when you live so close. I know all families are different but I would never treat my dad like that.

Tell him to be patient, things will get easier once the kids are older!

I think some posters are being very unreasonable. They are holding your dad to the standards of their fathers. You don't have that sort of relationship.

My father posed similar challenges to our relationship. I lived nearby for five years with no DC and I think I was in his house once that whole time. I certainly would not have popped in, he would have been annoyed. He had difficulty in all his relationships, why would ours be any different. He was also very critical of me and my actions.

What I will tell you is that I really knew he loved me and vice versa. It sounds the same for you two. So hold onto that.

Could you find something that works for you both? In our case after many upsetting meetings we settled into an informal arrangement on a Sunday lunch in a cafe once or twice a month. I stayed away from inflammatory subjects such as myself and my life and let him wax lyrical about whatever. Would I have liked things to be different? Yes. But he was my dad and you only get one so I had to take him as he is.

You know he wants a relationship with you even if it's not a perfect and close one. Find something that fits for you both. If sounds like he needs calm and the children overwhelm him. Could you pop up on a Sunday morning with the bf one and spend an hour with him, maybe bring some croissants or whatever? Or invite him for dinner on a Tuesday, keep a plate back and the two of you eat later?

This us a warming of things to come

id handle this bluntly if f i was you

your dad could have come round to see you with a bag if treats considering you were confined to the house

does he bsby sit / support you help and cheer you on in any way ?

I wonder because your Dad lives a fairly solitary life, by choice, this puts the relationship he has with you into a different dimension. He seemingly puts little value or effort into being social with others, but he views you in a different light altogether. You might be surprised to know how important you are to him, his relationship with you is undiluted as there are no others to offer that family feel.

Hey I might have got this all wrong lol, but it certainly doesn’t excuse him making demands or complaining about yr lack of visits etc. and childishly going on about Fathers Day.

He didn't want them the Thursday before but you live 5 minutes away. Surely you could have popped in on the day and given him a card and present. Just for 10 minutes before your day out. That's what most people would have done. Theres no real point to a card when its not on the actual day. Theres been plenty of years that ive done a mothers day/father's day meal a week later but ive always made the effort to see them on the day and give them their card, even if its only a short visit. You dont seem to be able to acknowledge at all that he might be upset about this and he clearly is.

@Petuniapet are there things you could do that might appeal to him more? You mentioned he likes cars. Perhaps a car museum or classic car show would be a good outing. I know it’s hard with little kids, but every outing doesn’t need to be focused on their interests.
Maybe also popping around for a coffee in the evening once the kids are in bed might also help? That way you can catch up properly without him worrying about the kids on the stairs.
It does sound like you are already making a lot of effort though, so I wouldn’t take what he has said to heart too much.

Why is it any of your business?