Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

Early years of marriage is when rigid routines start. If you aren’t going to do it every year, I suggest you start with a not doing it year or you will stick with never having. Christmas at home. At the least when you have children declare that you are doing Christmas at home from now on

Christmas is a time when families tend to squash in together! As they are only an hours drive away I would do one night only. That still gives you 2 days all together, which is plenty.

I like this bit of info. Thank you!

Is he an only child? Can they come to you, if you have more bathrooms?

I wouldn’t want you get caught up in ‘this is what mum wants as this is what we always do’. First year we got married parents understood we would like our first married Christmas just the two of us

Is there a hotel near his parents? I would suggest that as a compromise - so you have a bit of space but can spend most of the time with his family. It is normal to spend time with family at Christmas.

Oh my god its a turn of phrase! It is enjoyable, spending time with our family all together. It’s literally two nights. We have our own room, so privacy at night time but we all eat together, chat, play games, the kids catch up etc before we return to our own house and our own space.

That isn’t an option which has been offered. I’d agree the bathroom stuff is over stated but she has been presented with a fait accomplis from a MiL who just expects things to continue as she wishes. There is no need to stay overnight with people so close by.

When our children become adults they have to build their own relationships and practices and they will not be the same as ours. Inviting them is fine but if they only want to visit in the day time then be happy - they will still be there for Christmas and Boxing Day. Make a fuss because its not enough is an encouragement to form completely different plans.

presumably everyone is happy with this arrngement? summer holiday fun without the stress or expense of Christmas, all that feasting, cooking, tree taking up a third of the living room, potentially bad weather, boiler failing? not quite the same situation at all.

They are only an hour’s drive away. No earthly reason why they need overnight accommodation.

Why? Because she doesn’t want her two days of Christmas celebration to be monopolised by in laws?

Do you get many days before/after Christmas to enjoy time with just your partner and children? Your annual routine doesn’t sound like my cup of tea. I need my own space

I'd go. Do it for your husband. It's only 2 nights after all and once you have kids, you will be able to knock this tradition on the head (kids are great for getting out of things!)
Maybe make a plan to do Christmas with your parents next year as well so MIL gets it into her head that things have changed.

Compromise is the cornerstone of many marriages. Do one night.

This OP. He should be making you happy now not his mother!

As if. She’ll be expected to go with the grandkids more than ever. Put a stop to it now OP or regret it forever. It’s your Christmas too!

I suggested a day visit too but apparently their family has this tradition and routine they've been doing every single year since his birth

Well, things change. How entitled to think, when new partners and children come along, that it will stay exactly the same. Go for the day, one night if you fancy it but I would make a point of not staying for the two nights.

What you want matters too. I wish women were taught this from day one as it seems to get forgotten an awful lot.

The one bathroom is a red herring here. It's perfectly doable, especially when it's not a work day where everyone needs to be in there at the same time. When you're not at work you just spread it out. Don't make that the focus of your argument because it's not a good enough one. However your real problem is summed up in these two statements:

Yesterday I learnt that he EXPECTS us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights*
(*my capitalisation)

DH thinks we should just do whatever makes her happy.

No discussion, no agreement. Just an expectation that you will do that. I've seen some handmaiden style replies on here (actally too many) that you should do what makes your husband happy. But he's only interested on doing what makes his mother happy, you don't come into it. You don't have to placate her at every turn too.

I wouldn't set store by an agreement that you'll do it this year but not next. He'll say yes now so that you go, but by next year he'll change his mind. I'm not saying you shouldn't go, but there needs to be a discussion. Not about Christmas particularly but about how he relates to you when it comes to his mother. Are there other examples of what his mother wants his mother should get?

does the OP have any choice ?!?
(when the self appointed Matriarch’s pov has been made very clear)

“ a son‘s a son till he takes a wife “

Why is one bathroom an issue? Are you worried more about the embarrassment of all using the same toilet?

what you are suggeting is not compromise! it is capitulation!

the cornerstone of marriage or indeed any relationship is Respect

This isn’t fair on you, there needs to be a compromise.

Whether it’s one year at home, one year at MIL’s, one year at NZ.

Or one year a day visit at MIL’s, the next year an overnight at MIL’s.

Start off by having a plan, don’t fall into a routine in the first year.

we have two weeks off work over Christmas. So we have all that time to spend just us and two days visiting family in another part of the country.

We visit family for two days from 27-28 december. One of the days we go for walks, open presents together, kind of have a second Christmas. Me, husband, daughter plus brother in laws and sister in laws and their two kids and parents in law. The other day we go out for a big family meal with cousins, aunties and uncles etc which is a group of 21. Everyone catches up, more swapping of presents for the kids, few drinks for the adults, all very nice and festive

“Only have 1 bathroom in the entire house.”

Yes. Obviously. Most houses only have bathroom regardless of the number of people. It really isn’t an issue

That made me smile. The shock of only having one bathroom:)

She might be expected to but she can easily say that she wants to start her own family tradition now that she has her own family. MIL will have to understand this as it's exactly what she did.
Before we had our dd, I always went to Christmas at in-laws but made it clear that I wanted our dd to experience Santa at home once she arrived. They couldn't argue with that as that was what they had wanted for their kids in the past.