Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.
Wow!!!!!
😆 🤣 😂

I think there definitely needs to be some compromise, but spending the rest of your MiL’s life complying with her idea of Christmas is not the way to go. He left his family home and established a new family home with you, which means a re think of traditions so you both have a nice time. If he wants everything to remain the same as it was when he was living with his parents, then he’s not ready to move out and have a home and family of his own.

I would agree to do every other year, staying one night only. The bathroom thing I’d just suck up because it’s pretty standard to only have one bathroom per house. But, I would be very clear that on the years you spend at home, if he rolled his eyes or complained about being bored or behaved badly in any way, you would be behaving the exact same way the following year. Also, if you decide to have children, make it clear now that there is every chance you won’t ever want to leave your home at Christmas and if he can’t accept that, then there’ll be problems down the road.

’I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England' Bollocks. It’s all individual. I think we’ve spent two Christmases in 20 odd years with my in-laws, none at my mums, simply because we want to stay at home. We have an open house, but we’re going nowhere. Ask your DH what he did when they were children. Were they being dragged all over the country to spend time with in laws? Or were they at home, with mum having her ideal Christmases every year?

we have two weeks off work over Christmas

Me and my husband don't. So we like to please ourselves in the two days off we get. Some years we see family, some we don't.

As an aside, I never want to set an expectation that my children feel like they have to spend every Christmas with us. I want them to do as they please too.

Hotel maybe, or just go home. It’s not that far and you don’t drink

And the roads will be virtually empty.

If it makes your husband happy surely its not a big deal.

They want you to wake up with them xmas morning then not rush off after dinner.

I juat dont think this sort of thing is worth getting worked up about.

What’s the tradition they’ve had since his birth seeing as he wasn’t married then?

but you want to do it, the OP does not!

what about making the OP happy?

There is almost no reason ever to be staying overnight with a family member who lives only an hour away. I'd make that point early and often.
She will almost certainly expect you to accommodate her for multiple nights in return at her convenience, like when you've just given birth.
Just make it clear now that you won't be staying overnight, but of course happy to share Christmas Day or Boxing Day with them.

You may enjoy that whole tradition but can you not understand that people are different and that may not be someone else's idea of fun? Some people are more introverted and just need more time alone, furthermore in this case it doesn't sound like these two women get on particularly well. It's OK to want to enjoy Christmas your own way. My husband and I used to love a Christmas just the two of us, chilling in our PJS watching Christmas TV and no obligation to do anything or go anywhere at anyone else's behest. Squishing into someone else's house and having to follow someone else's Christmas routine while having to be polite the whole time sounds like my idea of hell for Christmas, to be honest, and that's fine. I wouldn't suggest you should like my idea of Christmas but why can't you understand that your idea of a nice Christmas isn't someone else's?

I thought the comment about New Zealand and 'how we do it in England' was really off and not even accurate. MIL is having a go at your heritage. Forget, there only being one bathroom, she doesn't sound very nice. No-one should be forced to make Christmas arrangements they don't want. OP, I'm from England and DH and I have been hunkering down and having Xmas to ourselves for years now. The issue is that you and DH are at odds. Can you meet halfway and go but sort your own accommodation out? But, I'm someone who avoids Christmas like the plague so I would totally support you doing you.

Doesn't sound like the mother in law is interested in any compromise.

We had a couple of Christmases together but back then due to work we were mostly never together in England at the same time for the season. 2 years we were in NZ and we actually didn't even meet my parents for Christmas both those times because it was our rare day off and we wanted to chill out at home just the two of us.

The one time we did Christmas at his parents his mum just fawned over him the whole time, shot him down when he mentioned how someday he might enjoy living in NZ too, and was talking about how her sweet boy doesn't visit her that much cause he's SO busy (he visits her once a week, used to be 2-3 times before he got his current job).

I thought it'd be more 'us' once we got married and that our relationship would be prioritised but seems like that's not the case.

Again, I'm more than happy with a day trip, but 2 nights again is a bit too full on for me.

awful, divisive ‘advice’

Quite. Or the Husband.

2 years we were in NZ and we actually didn't even meet my parents for Christmas both those times because it was our rare day off and we wanted to chill out at home just the two of us.

Remind him of this, that when you were in NZ, you didn’t insist you go to your parents so it would be unfair of him to insist that you go to his mum’s for 2 days.

Or have you already reminded him and what did he say?

I think one day sounds fine and perfectly reasonable.

Hope your husband is able to compromise as well, I’ll repeat what I said before, your MIL does sound difficult

To that I would say, never make an outside family member the key player in your relationship - the one who calls the shots. It's only going to go one way and you'll end up resentful. So what if she loves Christmas. Plenty of people don't. Why does she have no respect for other people's opinions.

As OP's DH's mum is also a 'my way or the highway' person who has said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England', so do you agree that OP's MIL is also selfish and uncompromising and are you amazed at her lack of give and take?

this gave me a flash of “ I Capture the Castle” - tin baths and all…

I’d just book a hotel close by, go to his mums during the day and go back the next day and go home in the evening.

Here is a question for you though, if it was the other way around, your parents lived in the UK and it was your parents you were visiting, would you be put out if he refused to go?

Thanks for saying that. It's not like there's 10 of them.

Compromise, 1 night staying over. Give and take is important, or I would say 2 nights this year different next year and rotate

Could you find some middle ground maybe? 2 full days and 1 night instead of 2?

I'm sorry, but what a load of nonsense. So you want to suggest to OP how she should host PILs for future Christmasses, when she doesn't even want to stay for 2 nights this Christmas. Are you MIL? She probably won't be hosting them. It's up to her! People go so mental over 2 days in December. It's best to be firm with others about your preferences so they'll know whether or not to invite you in the future.