Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

Exactly. I also think it wouldn’t be such a big deal if it wasn’t the evil ILs.

I was surprised this was suggested by multiple people. A hotel is likely no more convenient than just popping the hour back home.

DH and I don't drink so that's not really a problem. I suggested a day visit too but apparently their family has this tradition and routine they've been doing every single year since his birth (his mum especially LOVES Christmas). DH thinks we should just do whatever makes her happy.

OP wants to stay at her home.

As pp have said, its very likely you will either wa t to spend Christmas with your parents or have them come to you in the future. I'd consider how uour husband may feel about tgat before you get in too much of a tizzy about 2 nights with his parents.

DH and I both live hours/a flight away from parents, snd he used to spend a week with his every Christmas. I always went to mine.

First year together we agreed his mum would be the most hurt if we changed things suddenly so we went there, but cut the time and told them it would be changing to every other year.

And that was five people in a 1 bathroom house with his parents increasingly less able to wait for the loo. I feel your pain but if I've managed 20 years of residential when you can't even count on 5 minutes for an uninterrupted shower, I promise you can do 2 nights!

I would suggest to your DH that you cut it to one but find out what is the most important night for your MIL. Does she love Christmas breakfast and early presents or does she love a late candlelit dinner and a boxing day walk? What does he love?

And then perhaps try and introduce a new tradition which includes them each year. That way you're not saying you dont want to see them, but incorporating your traditions. Christmas movie and supper? Brunch somewhere nice? Walk on the beach?

I don't know tbh. If my dh said he didn't want to spend two nights at my parents' home at Christmas and it was an hours drive each way, I'd say fine. I think "keeping the tradition alive for mumsy" is weird, regardless of whose mumsy it is.

Then that's what she should do. Stay at home. With her bathroom.

Do it this year & then your choice what to do next year

This weekend we have my son, daughter in law and two grandchildren staying with us. We have just the one bathroom, the grandchildren are sleeping on a blow up mattress in our bedroom. We are having a great time. You will survive two nights with one bathroom.

Agree and she could simply drive over since it is only an hour away, spend time with his family, drive back home, and then return the next day.

OP could still do the two days and simply sleep in her own home.

You say this as if it is a punishment. She wants to stay at home. And she is allowed to as a grown woman. She can drive up to the in laws for a visit but she absolutely shouldn't be manipulated into sleeping there when she can just as easily drive home.

Not sure I get why people are so offended by this.

My mil wouldn't want to come to my house for a sleepover either and that is completely fine.

We always visit my husbands family for two nights at Christmas. There are 8 adults and 3 kids staying and only one bathroom. We survive!

I'm assuming your DH is an only child. And it's a routine based on him being that. What's going to happen to their routine when GC are introduced? I'd be talking about this (pragmatically) with your DH, but agreeing to go this year as a one-off. Perhaps plan to spend the following Christmas in New Zealand. And then take it from there. Having to share a bathroom for two nights isn't going to kill you.

How is this news to you after 15 years? I'm very confused.

The bathroom thing wouldn't bother me one iota but no one tells me where to spend Christmas so on that front YANBU.

Having said that, I might indulge them this "first" (?) year but make it clear it may well be the last time so make the most of it.

And neither would it kill MIL for OP to sleep in her own home and travel the hour back and forth to theirs.

Only in that I can't believe how many selfish and uncompromising 'It's my way or the highway' people there are about. I am amazed at the lack of give and take. I find it really quite sad and indicative of the way modern life is going, where people mostly think about what they want, rather than what might make others happy. So much stamping about setting iron-clad boundaries and creating family conflict. You don't have to be a push-over, but it's not bloody Agincourt.

Not necessarily. I've been invited for Christmas by one of my very favourite family members. I'm declining.

brilliant - killer last two lines!

the worst most dreariet Christmas’s whilst pregnant,
with babies, children, nightmare on 3 motorways, a
cramped house (one bathroom) lumpy old beds, thin towels,
tortured vegetables, dry meat, fretful children,
were at in-laws, who were not exactly fun,
never enough hot water and freezing cold.

So! I said enough !
OH visited his parents alone, although he wanted to take
the eldest who said no she didn’t want to go.
He expected to drive all that way in our one car, a 5 hour journey,
longer with essential stops of course, which would leave us
stranded without transport in the depths of the countyside.
I said no take the train direct, he said, there are no trains on
Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I was aghast.
He really thought he was going to leave his young family, to go
spend Christmas at his parents’ house. A man in his mid thirties.
He took the train a few days before Christmas then rturned on
Christmas Eve to everything prepared, expecting a hero’s welcome.

He put his parents first, then his widowed mother, who treated
him as a son, could not or would not, adapt to him now being
married with children,
meant to be functioning as a husband and father and adult

OP this tale illustrates how I’m qualified to offer sage advice,
as others have here,
start as you mean to go on! good luck

I said it was triggering!

Why two nights? Go to the in-laws on Christmas morning, stay over and go home on Boxing Day afternoon.

Say you want to start your own Christmas traditions after years of moving around.

if you and your Partner still can’t agree then do Rock Paper Scissors , best of three, loser chooses what happens next year , no arguments.

A bit weird to reply "why does he not get a say" in reply to a post which specifically says he has to choose. That is him getting a say. He's also sufficiently grownup to be able to take into account who is going to be unhappy as a consequence, and yes of course his choices include trying to negotiate a compromise. But just demanding that his wife should suppress her needs in order to make his mum happy is going to have consequences and he doesn't get to pretend otherwise.

This is the MiL who can’t enjoy Christmas unless her adult 30 something son spends two nights at her house?

I’m bemused that apparently in 15 years together they have never shared Christmas but if that is because DH has to go home to mum every year I’d have taken that as at least a red tinged flag. It is also nonsense to tell someone “this is what we do in England” - it is what one person wants to happen.

Spending two nights with family who live only an hour away just “because” is nuts. They could go on Christmas day for the day and have Boxing day to themselves or go back for a second day.

I don’t want to ‘survive’ Christmas, I want to enjoy it. That would not be enjoyable.

Do you know this is from where the V sign originated? ironic, non?

Now you're married, this is the perfect time to reset and start your own traditions. Go along with it this year, and it'll be harder next year. Sit down with your DH and envisage your perfect Christmas. Maybe you host and they come for the day?

But the give and take also could include MIL agreeing to one night stay or whatever. The whole thing is just full of unnecessary conflict and angst.

I'm torn a bit.

I think 4 people sharing a bathroom is pretty normal and nothing to get upset about.

But Christmas shouldn't be presented as a fait accompli where you have no choice.

Two nights is hardly an excessive length of stay, and it's clear your dh wants to. Could you compromise by going later on Christmas eve and leave after breakfast on boxing day? Then you're only really there a day but they get their two nights? Surely you can retire for an early night with a book if you need a bit of alone time Christmas night.