Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

I don't think staying at in laws for two nights is a big deal but I am wondering if what you are really objecting to is that your dh is trying to impose this on you. Now you are married, the conversation should more go along the lines of 'how are we going to organise christmases together going forward?' You need to take a firm stand to establish that he and you get to decide together how you do things, not him and his mum. If you don't do it this year you will find that forever onwards you are having to accommodate his mother and him. There could be a lot of arguments but it's easier to work it through now than later on.

And this^ is a very good advice

A very good point that an hour is a standard commute in this country which puts it into perspective.

How many bathrooms do you have then? Why don’t you offer to host them?

gosh so you get to dictate how your DH spends christmas?

Be sensible here. Just because you marry your family doesn't disappear. So suggest something like: one year his parents, one year (maybe in theory) your parents and one year at home, Your "in theory" parents visit can also be you staying home.

Or. You go and he stays over and you go back to your house.

one bathroom is normal, stop being precious about that.

Absolutely not an English thing. It might be a 'his family' thing. But it's nothing to do with being English.

I'd compromise on one night. Day 1, arrive before lunch. Let her pamper her boy. Day 2, leave after dinner.

I'd not do 2 nights at my in laws either if they lived only a short distance away.

If MIL & DH aren't happy with one night, let him stay on his own after the first night and Mummy Dearest can drive him home whenever she releases him he's ready to come home.

Lots are suggesting day visit, so recognising that an hour travel is nothing really.

Dh shouldn’t be agreeing to satisfy his mum rather than you, but the key question is what does he really want to do?

You need to find that out and then compromise with each other or alternate years to give both of you satisfaction.

Have you never spent a Christmas with your DH before?

I would also say, you need to stand firm on this. Because the first year will create the pattern that you're expected to follow subsequently.

Start as you mean to go on.

But also be aware that she'll ramp this up EVEN MORE once you have children. So maybe establish some sort of routine celebration over Christmas at your own home that MIL and FIL can attend, so everyone understands it's not MIL's world anymore.

I was wondering the same thing. It’s very odd that it’s taken 15 years for this situation to arise. We’re really looking forward to Christmas this year as it will be the first for years without overnight guests.

Perhaps go this year and tell him you won’t be doing it very year. I’m not sure what specific thing he’s referring to when he says “that’s how it’s done” in England, and I can only speak for Wales but if he’s referring to ibernijj GBt stays, whilst I’m sure lots of families get together over Christmas under duress, I don’t think it’s traditional or fair to suggest you have to do that.

main problem with arriving juat before lunch is means you are guests. Not helping with preparing lunch?

I’d get husband to explain what happens. If him and mum usually spend the morning in the kitchen making dinner then allow that to happen. You can sleep in (or use the bathroom)

my mum does stockings so I want to be there Xmas morning to wake up so at 53 we still stay for 3-4 days over Xmas. Also no trains running.

Don’t do it as it will be expected every single year

One hour’s drive doesn’t warrant staying the night. Sometimes it takes me that long to get to work

Sorry but why does he not get a say? He doesn’t always have to please either his mother or his wife and it sounds like he wants to go. I’m all for men not dictating things in the household but there should be compromise on both sides.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed it doesn’t seem too big an ask.

Neither of them do.

I’m with you OP. Firstly on the bathroom thing, it’s just not very comfortable having one toilet amongst that many adults, it might be common but it doesn’t mean you have to feel their house is set up for guests, it’s not.

And 2 nights is a lot for a distance of 1 hour, we don’t even do that when we go see multiple family members 3+ hours away.

I don't like his mother and I've never met her. Apparently, her entire personality is 'being a mum', which would make her extremely dull and annoying, particularly when her children are adults. Her passive-aggressive remark to OP 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England', is neither kind nor welcoming.

Yet, people are suggesting OP stay in a hotel.

Agree and a kinder way would have been to say " this is what I'm used to however I really understand now you are married that this may change. Obviously I would be delighted to host you both this year and after that see where we go but I understand of you don't want to stay for two nights or even one ,let me know what you decide.

You’ve been “on and off” together for fifteen years and only now you find out that his family Christmas is a big deal?

Not once in 15 years have you discussed what he’s doing for Christmas - how on earth are you unaware that he likes spending time with his parents at Christmas?

Yanbu for wanting to go home to sleep on Christmas Day - but how on earth has this become an issue with someone you know so well?

I disagree. OP is the one with the problem, so she can stay at home.

I would agree to drive there on Christmas morning and stay for one night. That way you get to wake up together, just the two of you and DH mum gets to have you both there for the day.
Fwiw, I love a big family Christmas. Sadly we don't get to do that anymore. We make it work now by having our Christmas day on boxing day. I haven't spent Christmas day with my DS for the last three years and I'm not expecting to spend it with him this year either as he'll be at his MIL's again.
It hurts, but I'm not a crazy Mum and I'm going to let them do their thing.
You need to compromise, this year yes, next year no.

Mil should have asked and made it ok to turn her down

I don't think op has forbidden her dh from going, she just doesn't want to go herself.

He does get a say, but he doesn't get to say what op feels comfortable with.