AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

Oh come on. He pays for his child’s housing and food. What do you think maintenance is for?

She paid for one single repair at £190 because her BF didn’t think it needed to be done, given OP can’t live without dry cleaning it’s likely this didn’t need to be carried out.
He pays all the housing costs, all the bills, most of the food shopping. Of course he contributes towards his child.
OP paying for some clothes and ice cream doesn’t come near to the costs he pays, which in many ways is reasonable because he earns more but people are totally glossing over the fact that OP doesn’t pay any actual bills or essential living costs.

(a tip if you use ChatGPT or other AI to write posts. When it spits something out, tell it to shorten it by 50%)

How often are you dry cleaning your clothes and buying premium make-up? Surely a foundation or lipstick lasts at least 3 months if not more.

Your partner is unreasonable not to pool money as you're a couple with a child.

You sound like you're in denial living beyond your means. If you have ADHD as you suspect that could explain the financial situation you're in.

Everything except for its home, food, clothing..

Go to a training salon. My cut blow dry n highlights cost £30. Cleaner is an expense you can't afford. Either ask him to contribute or clean on your day off

He pays for a roof over his own head - the fact that OP and his child are there is incidental. OP’s position here is no better than a lodger. She’s being told to cut back on the cleaner, toiletries and dry cleaning while he spends £95 a week on therapy FFS.

Just to agree with what you say @LizandDerekGoals

This was the subject on Weekend Woman’s Hour:

Money is broken for women, according to the founders of Female Invest - a subscription-based financial education app founded in Denmark. In their new book, It’s a Rich Man’s World, they explore the life events and systemic obstacles that women face in building and holding on to wealth. Krupa Padhy talks to co-founder Anna-Sophie Hartvigsen about the possible solutions.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002ykfy

Knock off the cleaner and stop dry cleaning just to freshen up clothes. When I get winter out of the under bed cases I hang it on the line (coats and jackets on a hanger) and let it freshen up outside for an hour in the September/October air.

I was going to say this, it doesn’t seem unfair to me. The OP pays £230 a month childcare. Her partner pays mortgage on a London property, council tax, bills, most of the food etc. it’s probably in excess of 10x to 15x what she pays. How is he not supporting his child?

I’d probably cut the cleaning down to twice a month, or cancel it. Dry cleaning- dresses, blouses etc can be cold hand washed and hung up. If nursery is so cheap, can you work an extra day?

But yes, He should be sharing childcare costs as he is paying s mortgage on a property that you have no legal claim to and cannot therefore benefit from as an investment.

It's £95 5 days a week. unbelievable

The thing is she still has £1000 disposable income a month!! He is paying the housing costs and food for their shared child, she is paying again for additional items. Children do not need clothes every month, and if so can be purchased quite cheaply.
She briefly mentioned in her initial post about being bad with money (possible ADHD) which I think is the main issue with why she has no money each month and is in debt.

Your partner is taking the piss with the therapy and a few other things. However you are also your own worst enemy financially!
You earn £1500 and are paying for a cleaner, dry cleaning clothes and department store makeup!
My income is more than double yours and my essential costs are similar. But I’d consider the above luxuries for very occasional purchase only.
As a couple you sound like a financial disaster!

I don't want to kick you when you are down, but you are in a silly situation.

You are reliant on a man in his mid 50s for your living expenses, while spending your small wage on silly fripperies.

If you split up tomorrow how are you going to pay rent? How will you feed your child? You are 39 and your partner is 54, have you been together long? Why don't you have more to your name if you are 39?

You need to stop wasting money on your appearance (dry cleaning on a 1.5K monthly wage?!?!) and start working out how you can build your wealth. You aren't married, you partner doesn't have to pay you a penny, he certainly shouldn't be paying off debts you have incurred on drycleaning an makeup, and you are lucky he allows you to live rent free

If DP pays his share of the cleaner surely it’s only right that OP then pays rent, council tax, food etc…..

Op do you pay into your work pension ?
You should do this

When you get paid, pay off some debt first

Stop the cleaner (pay off you debt)

Do not buy any more make up for a year

Stop the dry cleaning, how much are you spending per week on this ?

You need to live on what you earn, start next month

Once you have paid off your debt, start saving for your future

OP should share all the other living cost then.
There is zero chance OP will come out better off than what she’s currently contributing to.

Have you taken him through your finances?

Explain that going down to part time to care for your child has cost you £xxxx, and you are paying for nursery, and your Dad is doing £x worth of childcare.

All this enables HIM to earn his £93k.

And also how has motherhood affected your pension prospects? Talk to him about that.

Do not have another baby unless you get married before conception.

It’s tough now but you will be v vulnerable if you separate as non-married. In your circumstances marriage would be good .

When you went on maternity leave you worked full time and had £8k savings. Now 3 years later you work part time and have £4k debt. For any couple having a child is a time of increased expense and reduced income especially if one parent only goes back to work part time. What have either of you done to change your lifestyle and reduce your expenses to reflect the change in your finances? It sounds like neither of you have changed much at all.

Setting aside the high therapy cost (we don’t know enough to say if that’s really necessary) I think he sounds like a good partner and dad. He pays CM and extras for his older child and pays mortgage and almost all bills for his new family. This is a big expense he is paying for your son yet it seems invisible to you. He works FT and helps out at home by doing all the cooking.

OP - all you have to cover from your £1.5k a month is some food shopping, the cleaner, toddler costs and your personal expenses. These are per month:
£280 cleaner
£200 food (I am guessing as you didn’t say how much this was)
£130 nursery (will be £330)
This leaves you £900 a month for you and your child’s clothes, personal and social expenses. It’s actually quite a lot of money if you budget and don’t buy high end stuff. But you haven’t changed your lifestyle to reflect you now have higher costs and lower earnings.

Use up your make up and toiletries stashes and replace anything you run out of with stuff you can buy in Superdrug.
Get on Vinted and buy yourself some work clothes that don’t need dry cleaning.
Sell some stuff on Vinted and buy some of your child’s clothes and toys there.
Get your hair done a bit less often and think about what you could do to save money ie home dyes and root touch up sprays. What did you do during COVID when hairdressers were shut for 5 months?
Have less expensive days out with your child - playgrounds and a picnic in summer instead of buying cake while at a soft play or petting zoo.

What would happen if you reduced the cleaner to once a fortnight instead of once a week? That would almost pay for the increase in nursery. I think you need to be honest with him that you now have £4K of debt and are taking actions to clear it but the increase in nursery is a worry for you and can you discuss together how to tackle it. He might agree to pay the nursery or a share of it or pay the cleaner or a share of it. But you need to follow through and clear that debt and start living within your means. Or working more days to allow you to afford Chanel lipstick.

Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

You'd like to live as a married couple who share finances fairly. But you've chosen to have a child with a man who doesn't want that. Has his attitude to money changed since you had your child, or did you just hope it would?

More. "He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. " like 2k a month.

Sorry, yes, l meant £95 a day. The point here is that OP has left herself vulnerable. Her financial situation and earning capacity has been impacted by her having a child, while his hasn’t been affected at all as far as l can see. He’s putting a roof over their heads but at the end of the day it’s his home so OP has nothing invested in her financial outlay, while his is built in.

He sounds massively self absorbed and OP is right to be concerned. I’d be putting the child in nursery full time, going back to work full time and saving to get myself out of there ASAP. Am l the only one wondering why his previous relationship didn’t work, and why, despite an income in excess of £100,000 he’s only paying £600 for his other child ?

The OP has significant disposable income which DP paying the bills facilities. The therapy is a distraction.

She is better off than a lodger because she is not paying any rent. As you choose to view things from a purely cynical perspective, the roof over his head may cover his child, but he’s under no obligation to house OP too.

A fair financial split would be proportional to income, but I think OP would find that her share would be more than £130 per month.

If the roles were reversed, he’d be called a cocklodger. The double standards on MN are nuts.