AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

Let’s be real, would she be living in SW London getting hair & beauty treatments on her own? I expect that’s very unlikely.

He is supporting your child - he pays for housing, bills and most of food costs for them! This will run into the thousands as housing costs in London are high - he is subsidising you as well here not just your child. Your nursery bill is also tiny, presumably because the funded hours cover most of a part-time nursery place. Ours are £1.2k a month for a fulltime place even using all the funded hours.
I understand you do more childcare to even it out but your question was about finances, and financially he is the one paying the most for your child, not you.

Longterm stability wise, not being married, I would be concerned you have no claim on your shared home if he got hit by a bus and you should talk about this with him to protect yourself. But day to day current set up he is shouldering almost all the financial burden. You both have a good disposable income afterwards of over £1k a month that you are frittering (him on therapy, you on make up and hair and cleaners).

For comparison, as a mum the same age as you my disposable income after bills are paid is £150 a month and somehow I manage to buy toiletries, go out with friends and occasionally even get my hair done without feeling hard done by!

You seem very naive OP. Real life with kids rarely means having that kind of disposable income and you need to budget better and - gently - have a bit of a reality check. Stop asking ChatGPT things, it is programmed to agree with you whether you are reasonable or not.

You're not terribly in debt, cancel the cleaner and change to cheaper makeup etc, you can clear that quickly. You need a conversation with him about finances, nobody needs 5 therapy sessions a week; that's £2000 every month!

OP you are spending a 6th of your money on a cleaner. That is crazy. Most things can be hand washed and don’t need dry cleaning. I actually agree he should be helping you a bit more but you do need to reign in some of the spending.

Don’t cancel the cleaner otherwise OP will end up skivvying. Just ask DP to pay his share.

He could be in psychoanalysis - that is often three to five times per week.

It's not clear whether you have communicated your financial situation to your partner? The first stage is to lay it out for him.
A reasonable approach is to total all the monthly household income, then if he earns 90% and you earn 10%, then he pays 90% of joint costs. Then total up the joint costs - everything DS needs including childcare, food, utilities, etc.

Anything left over is private money to be spent however each chooses - he has his other DC and therapy (which sounds far more excessive/pointless than a cleaner and some dry cleaning).
I have a lot of sympathy for how ADHD can cause the admin of life to build up but just getting a process agreed with him will simplify it once and for all.
Where the imbalance is as great as this, it is normal for the higher earning individual to offer to pay 100% of extras/luxuries such as holidays, cars, etc. A good man will just pay off your loan for you too, no questions asked.

Why shouldn't she do the housework though? A cleaner is a luxury, she works part time. Many people don't have cleaners.
He does the majority of the cooking so what exactly is she doing (other than spending her money and now trying to get people to reason he should give her his).

You need to sit down with your partner and have a conversation. Keeping seperate finances when you have a shared child, whose care has meant you have had to reduce both your current earnings and earnings potential, isn't fair or feasible.
Your partner is feathering his nest for his future, but what will your's look like after years of reduced earnings and no investment into a property?
This is the sort of situation where you could end up alone at 65 with your home and the assets he's been able to build because of your contribution in kind bequeathed to his children, with nothing, and having to start over.

YABU for wasting your good years and mental health on this 'partnership'.

Why are you doing this?

Bin the dry cleaning and the cleaner and put the money saved straight into one of the debts and pay that down.
Stop buying expensive makeup. Drag your hair appointments out a bit longer.
Have a full & frank conversation about finances with your partner

Why didn’t OP have this conversation pre baby? It sounds like despite living together they were in a casual/non committed relationship.

Tbf, dh and I keep our finances separate, but that's because I am a US citizen and have to report my bank balance every year, so it is much simpler for me to only report my own current account and savings instead of a load of joint accounts.

But I would not be happy in op's position. Not being married makes it more precarious and I don't think going part time at work is a great thing for her in the circumstances. I would be increasing my income and saving aggressively in her shoes.

What does he need all that therapy for and where does he find the time? Why do you need a cleaner if you are part time and live in a flat? Why in need of dry clean clothes and high maintenance hair for a low salary? What was your 2k loan for?

OP, the thing that bothers me most in this is that you have no assets, you don’t own a property and have no secure rental arrangement. Your rights are minimal if you’re not married. As you get older and your child leaves home, your situation will be very precarious. Sounds like your partner is working hard on his own future, but not yours. Are you even in his will? Oh yeah and the weekly therapy fees are an indulgent joke.

I mean come on, he quite clearly is paying his share.

Did the man on the other thread have a child with the woman he was living with ? Because through out your post you haven’t mentioned that he pays maintenance for a child with a previous partner and yet doesn’t contribute to the child he has with OP.

Some think that psychoanalysis is a bit of a cult.
The people I know who have done it (not many), became more self absorbed and less able to deal with life. One former friend went 3/4 times a week for 17 years! Cost her a lot in terms of career and relationships because analysis was always the priority.
Most psychotherapists and others in the mental health professions are skeptical of ‘analysis’. This situation is a good illustration why.

Most dresses can go in a washing machine. Can't say I've dry cleaned anything of my own ever (my dad's suits did get done). It's too expensive and not needed

The therapy is a red flag, im sorry. Can you look into this therapist? Are they legit? Even analysis isn’t that often

This.

What kind of "therapy" is he paying for at x 5 and £475/week?

Where ? OP is paying for everything child related and even contributing to repairs to a home she doesn’t own.

I don't know. I'm not the OP so can't answer. I'm advising her from where she is now as it's not helpful to consider what she might have done and didn't.

Just to clarify 5x weekly analysis is not the same as therapy. It is absolutely not unethical. In fact, it is highly regulated, supervised and requires lengthy training. Having an analysis is a huge undertaking and a real commitment to a deep understanding of oneself that can lead to extraordinary change. I would admire anyone who took this up. I wish I could. His analyst is on the expensive side but would be very experienced.

I think everyone else has said what I would say here. You pay no rent, mortgage, council tax, other bills. You can live within your means.