AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

It’s also worrying that OP had £8k in savings before she became pregnant and is now £4k in debt. It sounds like she was solely financially responsible for her maternity leave. I’m struggling to see how any loving partner would behave like this - especially a high earner.

Im on 49k a year full time and i net 2780 a month so its not unreasonable

and yet doesn’t contribute to the child he has with OP.

Op pays £130 pm for their child's nursery fees. He pays the mortgage and all bills - the share of that for supporting the child will be more than that. Only on Mumsnet would paying all the mortgage and bills not be supporting your child

Solely financially responsible for … none of the bills on maternity leave?

Agree. This is a highly odd set up. Op's dh keeps saying he needs to top up his already substantial savings. He's building a nice little nest egg at the Op's expense

Clearly things aren’t a partnership so yes, you would be within your rights to ask for some joint expenses for the child to be shared. Try setting up a joint account where you both pay in a percentage to cover clothing, activities and childcare for example.

However it also sounds like you also need to drastically readjust your lifestyle. You cannot afford professional haircare or expensive makeup at the moment & need to learn to DIY and make do. You also cannot afford a cleaner - this is absolutely a luxury and would save you over £200 a month towards your debts. As most other people have said, a dry clean is a ridiculous expense. Use a washing machine & iron like everyone else.

Even if you are married they can argue the assets are theirs, you didn’t contribute so you can’t have them

He needs to be paying for his child.

Who would share finances with someone who managed to spend 12k in a year or two while responsible for basically no essential outgoings??

OP’s financial outlay in childcare costs is not an investment, it’s dead money. He’s paying the mortgage and bills on a London property he owns. OP has no claim on it. He’s investing in his own future and treating OP and her child as incidentals along the way. I’d be very interested to know why the last relationship broke up.

You’re both grown ups @TheHotRock98 . You need to sit down with him and make a plan together that clears your debts, pays for essential outgoings and builds savings. You mentioned in your OP that you’re not sure how much savings he has? Either you both grow up and face this and commit to a future together, or you don’t. It won’t solve itself, communicate with him. If you’re scared to do this, because he doesn’t want to commit to helping sort this, then you have your answer.

The therapy that frequently is bonkers btw. Therapy is only useful if it’s less often, say once a week, twice weekly max. The brain and mind needs breaks to process and deal with issues raised, rather than rushing through issues like speed dating!

You don’t need a cleaner, fancy make up or hair appointments, but I think you might be papering over the cracks fixating on saving a few quid here because it distracts from the real issue, which is that you seem like two individuals, not a partnership.

You’re right, he should be providing adequate housing for his child, ensuring a warm safe environment, paying for utilities to keep the child in comfort, paying for food …. Oh wait.

Do you not think it’s odd that the savings disappeared and the debts started at the same time as maternity leave ? I don’t think anyone is advocating sharing finances, but living the life of Riley while your the mother of your child struggles indicates something that leaves a very bad taste in the mouth.

Given OPs spending habits I expect she spent a big chunk of that money on the baby’s nursery and equipment with a top of the range pram / stroller and a selection of high end clothes the baby outgrew after a couple of wears.

I think it's unclear why you are struggling so much with your £1500 per month .
The necessary costs look like the £130 a month childcare and the other child related costs. For a 3 year old, this shouldn't be more than £200- £300 per month. They are much cheaper at this age than in the teenage years.
It does sound like you spend money on things that only a higher earner would ( £68 a week on a cleaner, dry cleaning, high end makeup). But you aren't a high earner.
It sounds like you've let your life style expectations creep up because your partner earns 93k.

Life costs more than bills, especially when you have a newborn baby I'd imagine.

He’s investing in those things because long term he is the one who benefits. He would still be paying the mortgage and utilities regardless of who else was there.

She is spending 130 per month on childcare and it's her only actual bill. It appears he is funding everything else.

Op I'm sorry you feel anxious but you are totally unreasonable in my view. You have more disposable money than many people on here, which you spend on luxuries. Eg the posh make up, the hair, the cleaner. Why do you even need a cleaner when you work part time??

You either need to cut back on something, or work more hours. I don't understand the entitlement on here that expects him to fund your life even more than he does today. I think it's grabby and greedy.

@TheHotRock98
Have you discussed finances with your OH?
Have you thought about what is the fairest way of contributing to the household whilst also paying off your debt?

There are some bizarre costs in there for both of you:
5 days a week counselling?!
Cleaner
Dry cleaning
Hair

I do think you need absolute financial transparency. I find it worrying that you haven't had these essential conversations beforehand and have swung from £8k in savings to £4k in debt

Almost £500 a week on therapy? On a salary of £93k? Um...wow. are you sure you have all your figures right? On £93k with a CM bill and maintenance etc, it sounds weird as without pension or any other salary sacrifice, he would bring home maybe £5.3k...so he is spending around 40% (based on a 4 week month) on therapy?!

Of course he should contribute towards costs of your shared child- why is he prioritising saving large amounts and therapy over this?! It actually sounds like you (and your child) would be better off on your own both financially and practically.

You don't say anything about him as a father or partner. My guess is that he is univolved and uninspiring in both relationships.

And OP would be paying for those things herself if she lived somewhere else, the idea that she isn’t financially benefiting from her situation is just completely false.

That is not what usually happens. What you are saying could mislead someone reading.

Agree. I can’t believe how many posters are actually endorsing this.

It happens a lot.
Reality check for people reading.
He is feathering his nest, she needs to do the same asap

Prior to meeting him she was making £2,300 a month. You can’t have much luxury in London for that.