AIBU to take the children flying/on city break while my husband is away?

[FlyOrNotToFly]

My DH is scared of flying. Im gonna sound like a cow but sometimes he seems v scared and causes a big fuss and demands all sorts from me to support him. But he also has been known to fly with his mates with seemingly no fuss

He's going on a stag do and a break in mid August with friends.

My kids love theatre. They have never flown anywhere as husband prefers ferry and we only ever go to france.

I thought while he's away, me and the kids could fly to Edinburgh *we live in SE and go to Edin festival for 3 days. See the castle (my boy loves that kind of thing. Kids are primary school age

Husband saying im being unfair because he will be distracted while on his holiday with anxiety as the thouught of us flying and going on a break alone. He somehow manages to derail our plans. And often says anxiety but as i say, he doesnt have anxiety when he wants to his own thing!

Should I be more understanding? I think it will be a fun little trip and flying will be part of the adventure.

That isn't anxiety, that Main Character Syndrome.

But he refuses to fly when travelling with the family. So wouldn’t do this trip anyway.

So what does he say when you say ‘your anxiety seems to disappear with your mates’

What an absolutely pathetic man. Sorry op.

Wow. What a selfish, manipulative cunt.

A decent man would be delighted you’re planning something fun for the kids.

Stick to your plans and enjoy it.

Definitely not unreasonable - hasn't happened in a long time but I have been known to point out to DH that I earn my own money and won't be asking his permission to do what I want and I'm simply telling him out of courtesy!

I will say though that you're probably a year too late to find reasonably priced accommodation for this year's festival as it was probably fully booked up this time last year.

I'm glad you're going - you can't let him keep you and especially your children in a cage while he does whatever the hell he likes!

My peri and menopause have coincided woth my children being older teenagers, and hormonal changes have ramped up the existential terror as they spread their wings in a totally age appropriate way. I'm often worried ("anxious") to the point I'm not sleeping well at all when they're out, or on holiday with friends or a new partner ,or can't focus on what I'm doing knowing that one is hiking/ climbing in a location I've seen on mountain rescue programmes, or on a motorbike tour of the alps, or open water swimming, or doing a very long motorway drive...

What kind of a shitty parent would I be if I tried to weaponise my worries to stop them living their best lives and doing all the exciting, age appropriate, mentally healthy stuff they do?

But he's going off for a few days?
I'd much rather my husband took the kids off to enjoy themselves if I was away having a weekend away with my friends than they sit in the house all weekend while I'm the only one getting a break....

Yes that sounds great - I have travelled everywhere on my own with young children - it’s fun and you’re making lovely memories.

the festival is fabulous. It’s not late at all to be planning this.

Good on you OP and don’t let him phone you every 5mins. Let him track you if you want but don’t allow him to wreck your time away.
Also tell him to book in to see his GP about his on off anxiety to get some help

I’ve always gone away alone with my dc. I also flew from Oz to the Uk on my own.
He sounds very controlling. Book it, have fun without the fun sponge.

So he has ‘selective anxiety’ and is very manipulative and controlling.

I wouldn’t even be discussing the trip with him. Just do it. Yours and the lives of your children should not be made smaller because he doesn’t like what you do.

How convenient! An illness that can be switched on and off and even flicked on from afar to control other people!

There is now way that this is the only thing he does to control things. Have a think, what else does he so to make sure everyone dances to his tune.

His anxiety doesn't seem to stop him doing what he wants to do but it does seem to stop you (and your children) doing what you want to do.

It's Schrödinger's anxiety. He sounds like a knob.

Completely missing the point... but don't get taxis in Edinburgh, go on the bus. Everyone goes by bus in Edinburgh, fantastic service.

Back on topic. Yes, go for it. It's a great vibe, street theatre, hustle and bustle. Buy tickets for something special in advance. If your dh is so worried ask him how he is going to manage his anxiety while he (and you) are away? He doesn't get to deal with it by stopping you from doing what you want - that's not managing his anxiety, that's avoiding it.

As your dc get older they will be off doing things on their own, maybe even flying and travelling. dh needs to develop strategies now, he can't tie them down for ever. Plus if your dh is an anxious flyer, then it's up to you to teach your dc how to spread their wings with confidence - this is a great opportunity to show them how safe and exciting travel can be. And if anything does go awry (as it sometimes does), it's another great opportunity to show your dc that even problems can be navigated with calm.

If dh cannot find ways to manage his fears, then it sounds less like anxiety and more like control.

@Any1ForTennis - you missed the part where the OP has already found and booked excellent and good value accommodation for the trip!

@FlyOrNotToFly does he have a diagnosed and treated anxiety disorder? In which case he needs to take this to his therapist or whoever coordinates his care/ prescribes for him and get his treatment plan reviewed.

Or does he have self (or manosphere) designated anxiety as a neologism for "I worry". What would have been "Stay at home, otherwise I'll worry" has morphed into "it triggers my anxiety when you do anything fun"... ?

I never seen OP say she had booked & paid, just that OP had found an AirBnB for £500.

Maybe there's a post I missed that actually states the booking has been made and paid for. Hey ho, can't read them all.

Yes, I’d be happy. Because I want the people I love to be happy and do fun things. More than I want the fun things for myself.

But he refuses to go on holiday ‘with’ the kids? His anxiety about flying is about his family flying, not him. Either he needs to cope or this is actually a big lie and he’s just super controlling.

My husband and I have taken the kids away alone. I take one child away on their own every few years. It’s great.

But the DH is going away without OP - he's going away on a stag do that weekend. So why is it not OK for OP to take the kids away when he is already away?

Not to mention his selective issues with flying - can't fly with OP/kids because of "anxiety" which disappears when he flies on a lads' holidat!

Tell him to grow up and stop being such a selfish baby. Funny this anxiety doesn’t stop him doing things that he wants to do

How old are you children? Edinburgh during festival is rammed and very difficult to get around. If they were under about 14 I wouldn't think about it.

Book the trip, tell him you’re sorry he feels anxious and you hope he’s able to use his trusted coping mechanisms to get through. Also suggest he calls his company EAP for support during the difficult time. If not, the NHS offers talking therapies he can access. It’s critical he doesn’t pass on his own anxious tendencies to his children. Thoughts are with him at this difficult time…

Suggest he gets some hypnotherapy or CBT or your kids will not only miss out but also become anxious. Go enjoy.

Maybe you should try it?

Honestly the most fun it’s possible to have with children young enough to try anything. I certainly never found festival + children ‘very difficult to get around’. In fact, I distinctly recall (and have the photos to back it up) taking them to a festival play and then going to Modern Two. There was almost no one else there.

So, while the city may be rammed, it’s still possible to find quiet spots. And getting from place to place isn’t a problem if you give yourselves plenty of time.