AIBU to take the children flying/on city break while my husband is away?

[FlyOrNotToFly]

My DH is scared of flying. Im gonna sound like a cow but sometimes he seems v scared and causes a big fuss and demands all sorts from me to support him. But he also has been known to fly with his mates with seemingly no fuss

He's going on a stag do and a break in mid August with friends.

My kids love theatre. They have never flown anywhere as husband prefers ferry and we only ever go to france.

I thought while he's away, me and the kids could fly to Edinburgh *we live in SE and go to Edin festival for 3 days. See the castle (my boy loves that kind of thing. Kids are primary school age

Husband saying im being unfair because he will be distracted while on his holiday with anxiety as the thouught of us flying and going on a break alone. He somehow manages to derail our plans. And often says anxiety but as i say, he doesnt have anxiety when he wants to his own thing!

Should I be more understanding? I think it will be a fun little trip and flying will be part of the adventure.

As someone who shares your DH's fear, if you were my DW I'd tell you to go ahead and do it like a shot!

He now says "i won't try to stop you" but I assure you he now will b grumpy about it till we go, ask me not to talk about it as "triggers anxiety".

But we shall definitely be going. The dc are v excited about going.

Thanks for reassuring me im not being unreasonable by expecting him to suck it up!

I would detach from him about this you are going and his thoughts are not yours any time he mentions between now and August, ignore him or tell him he really should see a dr about this as it clearly is "bothering him" . It isn't up to you to manage "his anxiety" for a quiet life.

I’m very happy for you that you’re going.

but you need to do some serious thinking about your relationship with this man, and whether staying together is in yours and your children’s interest. ‘Being grumpy’ until you go, essentially means he will attempt with his behaviour to control and manipulate you in to doing what he wants. This is bordering on coercive abuse. But the problem is, it’s not just you who is living in this toxic environment, it’s your children too.

Not to talk about it?
Sorry.. does he hate his kids that he doesn't think they should be able to enjoy fun activities and openly speak about them in case his pretend anxiety creeps up?

Is he very mean and unwilling to hear of you and the children spending money on something he’s not involved in? Because it can’t be ‘anxiety’ if he flies when he wants to.

It’s absolutely insane to me that ‘he’ can fly but you cannot. That’s not a ‘fear of flying’. That’s something else altogether and it’s not pretty. I think you need to take a real hard look at your relationship and figure out if this is really what you want for the rest of your life. Your life (and your kids) made smaller while his is the priority every time.

(I live in edinburgh with my two kids and love the fringe! Lmk if you want any suggestions)

He's trying to control you, what's he like when you have nights out with friends without him.
Tell him you'll send a message when you get off the plane then he can stop worrying, but I bet that's not good enough for him.

You’re not unreasonable to go away. Or indeed fly if you want to, though I try to avoid short flights for environmental reasons and when I went to Edinburgh earlier in the year it was considerably cheaper to take the train, and was probably actually quicker once you factored in all the waiting around at airports.

I doubt the OP could get the train from the SE of England to Edinburgh at short notice for less than the price of her flights. And it would be such a long journey for young-ish children.

And the whole point is that it’s a rare adventure - because the husband limits their freedom.

Good for you. You won’t necessarily need taxis either. The buses in Edinburgh are excellent. You can get day passes or just tap on when you get on. Kids under 11 or 12 are free - or used to be. Where are you staying?

Have a search on Mumsnet for other Edinburgh travel tips with kids. But, here’s a few …as well as Fringe shows for kids and free street performances …National Museum of Scotland free and good fun. See Greyfriars Bobby close to Museum and churchyard behind ( many Harry Potter characters names on gravestones). Also worth seeing if you can get cheap zoo tickets, Dynamic Earth for rainy day and Camera Obscura. A walk down Cockburn or Victoria Street also nice. If feels too frenetic with Fringe, nice to have a walk in Stockbridge or Dean Village. Or get (50 mins) train to Glasgow for whole different vibe.

Kids under 5 are free. Just before the OP reads this. 5-something has a child fare.

im a bit torn to be honest, dh does fun stuff sometimes with the kids, the things I wouldn’t do for example zip lining or a theme park and I do have a few ‘god I hope they’re ok’ moments over the day. I also wish I was with them even though I wouldn’t enjoy it. If it were a holiday I’d be a bit gutted everyone was going away without me. Everyone jumped to him being selfish but would you really like your partner to go off on a fun few days without you?

Go. He is trying to play you. Anxiety my arse! Say ' that's a shame dear' and crack on.

I suspect you don't go full pelt with emotional manipulation to control your husband and kids though.? Having separate parent time with children is healthy imo

YABU pandering to his nonsense.

Book the trip.

Lomonald

no that’s true, but a trip away I think I’d be sad about tbh

Can’t you just point out to him that he doesn’t, in fact, have anxiety around flying if he gets on a plane just fine when you’re not there?

He’s on a stag do! Of course she and dc can go elsewhere. He’s not around to call the shots.

My husband used to take ours to.a theme Park from mid primary until they left school, for a few days, I hate rides, they had a great time and I ate M&S meals and drank wine it was a win/win.

He sounds horrible and controlling. Can’t fly with family but can manage to fly with friends?! Enjoy your trip with your DC.

wonder what games he’s playing because it all sounds ridiculous and controlling.
Enjoy your trip. Tell him you enjoyed it so much that you’re going to do it more regularly.

But he IS going away without her! He is going on a stag do!

ThinAir7

I know, it’s ridiculously irrational but a holiday without the kids I’d be gutted at what I was missing just because it’s the kids!!

“Your feelings are for you to manage. You can choose to worry about us or choose to enjoy your stag do. Just as I manage my feelings when you go on …. List of stag dos and holidays. It will be very difficult for ME if I am ruled by your anxieties. You are being selfish and I won’t be controlled by it any more. Let’s all do our trips, enjoy them, be happy for each other and swap stories when we get home”

On repeat, followed by grey rock. “We’ve had that conversation” very calmly.