Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

This response of not willing to talk to your husband proves why you're in the situation you are.

Weak attitude. Leave him or resign to the fact you're not willing to make changes

This. You are an adult and if you want to let him walk all over you then crack on.

Isn't that actually a good thing? He will be available to help more. Do you feel the timing is bad because he should've done it before or later?

He's decided it's the right time, assessed finances etc I would assume, so I don't understand, sorry.

I have been in a very similar situation, although I was never a sahm - but did (and do) work 4days/week while DH did a Big Man job.
It has actually worked out much better than I expected so sharing a couple of things that helped for us:

1. Gave him a full month before I even started mentioning picking up the jobs and responsibilities that I’ve always done.
2. was very gentle in steering him towards doing stuff and being very helpful in explaining the most efficient way of doing things. Patience when he was a bit shit to start with. I thought of it as a job handover - I’d been doing all this for years so it’s unfair to expect him to instantly think of and know how to deal with the mainly unseen minutiae
3. Trained the children to go to him first for boring stuff - but be wary of making yourself unnecessary. Sometimes the lifts or sporting events etc are where you have the nicest conversations with teens
4. Be genuinely happy for him getting to relax and do some hobbies. And be interested in what he’s up to. Fake it til you make it if necessary!

It isn’t a speedy process, but 6 months in, I’ve found myself with way more time than previously, which hadn’t really occurred to me beforehand. I was quite fixated on him having an easier life than me but the reality was that it has benefitted us both. Ngl, I do get cross that I fitted my social life round cleaning/cooking/admin etc whereas it’s still the other way round for him but that’s partly a personality thing. I am who I am!

I will get jumped on by all those who think I shouldn’t have to tell him what needs doing and how. I get that, I really do. But working together, and showing kindness has worked a damn sight better than getting snitty about the cleaning would have done!

Being a sahm does generally mean being a Mum, so doing all that's involved when little. Your DH was at work so couldn't do it? I worked pt therefore was able to be a sahm for 2 days a week, which I cherished, much better than my working days dropping off at nursery/breakfast club then after school club.

How old are your older dc?

Mine are now 17 and 18 - end of Y12 and 13. Honestly parental availability and headspace is so important in teen/secondary years. It’s a blessing not to have to worry about child care and know they can sort their own food, but I don’t feel like I parent less.

It seems your concern is that the dynamic of you doing bulk of home tasks won’t change. This is really the problem. Looking in as an outsider, it feels like he could be a present and active parent, run the house and still have lots of time left for hobbies. What’s standing in the way of this?

There are good reasons why front line people can retire at 55. I can't imagine himsitting at home doing childcare stuff while they're all at 2ndary school. Don't you want him to enjoy his retirement, pursue interests?
Can you ask him to do all shopping and cooking if he doesn't already?

Of course it's not swanning around but it's definitely more flexible. I went back to work 3 days a week and it was much harder to get up at silly o clock to drop DC off at nursery/breakfast club than my days off looking after them at a slower pace and taking out to fun activities.

He said that after he was retired. I was working. So I had to work fewer hours so I could get them up for school.

This is very unreasonable. The only reason he can retire now (presumably) is because you did the heavy lifting at home so he could lean into his career and build up this pension pot he has. You even provided 50% of the funds whilst you did it! For these last years whilst your career took a back seat, who did the cooking, cleaning etc as well as child care? Assuming it was you, I would be telling him, and yes the word telling is deliberate, that from now on he is responsible for cooking, meal planning, cleaning washing etc etc and primary interface for children. It is utterly unreasonable of him to assume you will do this on top of working whilst he sits on his arse all day. If he doesn’t like it, he can either use his funds to fund both of you to retire and then you will happily do your 50%, or he can go back to work until you both can afford for you to retire too. If he refuses, ask him to explain how he would feel if you were to retire now and as well as still working, he takes on all household tasks too - feel unfair? Why then does he expect it of you? Personally if he really wouldn’t back down neither would I. I would go on strike. Probably go to live with a relative or friend or airbnb during the school week for a month or two (back at weekends for fun mum) and leave him to it - cooking washing cleaning…Maybe then compromise will seem more appealing. I’d possibly look for more responsibility at work or take on travel commitments to increase my responsibility and pay to build my retirement fund faster - which should be easy now there is a parent at home for the kids. He might understand that kind of commitment better too.

I haven't read to the end. I feel like you need to lay it all out and have a proper conversation. Maybe even with a neutral person if you think he'll talk over you.

If you were me I'd be outlining that he'll be taking the day to day bulk of the childcare as he has the time during the day to deal with it. You'll also need to train the kids to contact him first. Then on an evening after work is framily time, you'll do your share of the chores but you won't be leading on it. He'll still have plenty of time to do hobbies, chill or whatever he wants to do as secondary are home later I.e no school run.

I would also be highlighting that you'll not be answering your phone at work and any emergencies they call the main office number. Honestly make yourself unavailable during the day.

This is not in spite of him but as he'll never have had that free time at home in his career it would not cross his mind to pick up any of the stuff you had to do whilst they were growing up. Don't expect that he will just do anything like the kids he will need training.

Your dh has retired from paid employment. Great! But he hasn't retired from being a parent or a partner in your lives. (however much he might think he has)

Your pension has suffered so it's great that he has retired from work, he can do more at home and you can do more (employment wise) to cover the pension gap. Maybe you need to do some extra studying? Maybe you need to change job and have more commuting hours and leave before the pack lunches are made, or take on more responsibility be less available to cover any emergencies.

Surely that's about being a partnership over the long term? My comments above are a bit tongue in cheek, but they have a serious point. Please, please do not talk yourself into continuing to be the 'default' parent. You are both parents. Now is his time to step up in a different way. Both for your dc and domestically.

Devolve a whole task to him e.g. laundry. Washing, drying, ironing, putting away. If any item of school / sports wear is missing, it is up to him. You do not rescue the situation. He can do those things anytime, morning noon or night, doesn't interfere with golf or cycling, he just needs to be organised.

Or maybe the food: meal planning, shopping, cooking, clearing up, freezer management etc.

You are still working so you can maybe pay for a cleaner to cover your half of those chores.

Life admin: you leave him a list. "Honey the car insurance is due for renewal - here's the paperwork, can you sort it this week while I'm working".

For important dc things (concerts etc) you sit down with and say 'Patrick has a swimming gala next month, with 4 practice sessions, how will we split that between us. btw I've got a meeting on x date so you'll have to do that one.

You need to be right on top of this. In advance and then once his 'retirement' starts. Of course he can play golf, but only on a Tuesday or Thursday when you can be around for emergencies. If you have to, arrange to work away from home for critical periods - even if you're only going to the local library. Get out of the house so he HAS to parent.

You need to be really, really clear about what his retirement will need to look like, it's not fair on you if he thinks he's off the hook. Is he a prison officer by any chance?

That’s a vastly shorter list than primary school though, I could probably triple that list with my 8 and 5 year old.

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling that way. The intensive parenting years are largely behind you, and it's understandable to think, "Where was all this free time when I was juggling assemblies, inset days and sports days?" That said, if he's older, his retirement date may have more to do with pension eligibility than avoiding parenting. I'd have an honest conversation about how you're feeling rather than assuming his motives.

This thread isn't about me, I was expressing solidarity with the OP. I have no wish to derail. If I wanted to discuss my situation with a bunch of opinionated fuckwits, I would have started my own thread - but I don't. Ta-ra.

You need to talk to him about expectations, concentrate on your work now and allow him to take charge of the stuff regarding school and home. Consider this a chance for you to prosper without the background work involved at home

Is it worth including your retirement in the conversation? As in, when does he think you will retire, and does he realise that it will be a long time after 55? Maybe he's not given it much thought.
If so spell it out that it's because you were looking after your children, who are his too,
then you took a less we paid role because of the need for one of you to be available for your children, which he wasn't open to.

You are getting older too you don't want to spend the rest of your working life also still doing everything for the children.

Don’t wait until September.

you need to have this conversation now - lay it all out and say you need support , time and space to focus in your own career and building your pension pot.

this means he has to take his turn in being the default parent and taking on the mental load of running the household.

Maybe he feels you had a few years off when kids were small and now he’s having a few years off while you work your last few years.

Along these lines. Secondary brings a while lot more responsibility - deeper involvement in extra curricular activities, help with homework/keeping on top of it at least, sorting out tutoring if needed, phone calls home from teachers for bad behaviour, giving them independence whilst knowing you're still responsible, relationship issues - friends/boyfriends /girlfriends, inspiring/ motivating them to revise, sorting out work experience, monitoring tech whilst allowing freedom, making sure they get enough sleep, handling mental health issues, choosing subjects/ universities etc. The primary years are a dream so if DH is dealing with secondary - Good luck to him!! (I did both but if I could have handed secondary to DH, I would have done it like a shot).

He'll be bored. Or he'll take up cooking and make a mess. A close friends husband retired at 53. He drove her potty.
Took over the household. DC were sixth form.
If you have plenty of money let him crack on. No school gate at 11 so few chances to get invited for coffee or try to become one of the mums. Let's hope he's not into cycling!

Why are you saying this?!!! I would already have told him that he was taking it over and I would be telling the DC that their Dad is the SAHP now.

And yes, mine are 26 and 18 and there is plenty to do when they’re in secondary.

But he can do it. If you make that clear and stick to it, he will have to.

Believe me when I say the mental drain of the teen years far exceeds the primary years.

The mental drain is the same whether you work full-time or stay at home or anything in between though - it's not something you can switch on and off. The mental drain is only less for dead beat or uninvolved, disconnected parents.