Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

I can see it’s difficult if he’s never been expected to share the load. That’s a shame as even if he worked shifts he would still have had non working days.
Can he really be so naive and selfish to think that he can retire from work and just do nothing at home?
Surely somewhere in his brain he realises that he has only got away with not pulling his weight domestically as OP facilitated this because he worked more hours.
I couldn’t respect a man who thought it was acceptable to do literally nothing except what he wanted to do whilst expecting me to work and be default parent and housekeeper. If I couldn’t respect him I couldn’t stay with him.

My dad did shiftwork all his working life. 3 week rotation. It is hard on families but used to get paid well to make up for it. Think that may have changed nowadays. My mum didn't work but others in our town did as they were midwives who also worked shifts. Was a small town with very little opportunity for women and no childcare but these days families seem to make shiftwork work for them.

His being a rubbish husband/father seems irrelevant to him retiring. Be annoyed at that. What’s it got to do with retirement?

He could have stayed on for another 3-5 years, dumped all additional cash in your pension / ISA so you could bring forward your retirement too. That would be tax efficient too.

this. The problem is not the problem.

I completely understand how you feel. My husband worked and I was a SAHM. I decided to go back to work when my youngest was in year 3, then my old profession was not for me so retrained. This was very hectic and I did all of this whilst also being a SAHM and my husband was away for four days per week. Now I have a small business and my husband is talking about retirement, saying now you can take care of me - he is 50! Our youngest is 10 and I feel angry. It’s like I did all the tough years with the children, then retrained listening to moaning from him, and now he wants to put financial responsibility on me too. I took onboard all the family stress so he could have the financial responsibility- we were both in agreement on this. I feel your pain - I have made it clear to my husband that I don’t want him to retire. It felt to me like an insult, like he let me do all the hard years and now was happy to see me slogging away when older. I know it’s not calculated like that in his head but it really did upset me. That’s why I did not go and get a full time job, and working for myself gives me flexibility and also allows me to cope with peri-menopause

And yet when I said "tell him" you treated is as impossible.....

He's got about a million in savings and pension (mostly pension) which he can access in 6(?) years.

Then you need to send the dates to him and wipe them off your calender.
Hand it over, step back. (So he cant accidentally plan not to be available) And keep stepping back.
Oh and tell the school to change contact details so he gets the emails, newsletters and is first contact. And tell him "obviously you've done it as you can finally stop multitasking through the days and actually focus on your job now, Thanks darling, Whats for dinner? I've mailed you all the kids preferences so you'll be able to work round that too."

You clearly do not like him very much. i find your attitude really odd? Are you always this jealous?

Op if you ask him he might say no. He needs to know he doesn’t get to do his own thing all the time. Kids are his responsibility too.

So agree.
Your husband is a selfish arse.
You can be sure he will leave it all to you because he has never been involved.

You need to sit down and have a very frank conversation with him.
So much so that the divorce word needs to be mentioned.

He sees you as the family workhorse.
Better you split, parent 50/50 and split the finances.

This would be better to spell out now than allow him to continue as is, thinking he gets to live his new dream.

Secondary school absolutely is no walk in the park if you are serious about yoir children meeting their potential.

So now when he starts talking about the retirement date. Spin it, say how great it's going to be, that he will be main contact for any school needs, doctors appointments and dentist during work hours and how lovely it'll be to come home to the laundry all done and meal on the table.

Teenage kids and parents being able to chill out don't belong in the same sentence. Now it is your time to go and do as you please, go back to work, volunteer or have a mid week break with a friend.

Then put a stop to this expectation that you will be the default parent! Your DH must have known how old his youngest Dc would be when he reached his retirement age and would know that it wouldn’t be like normal workers that don’t retire until their 60s.

You need to pull on your big girl pants and have the conversation of what your expectations are. Not just passively let the family carry on regardless. And if you do set things out clearly, and nothing changes then you have to make sure they feel the consequences.

Well don’t! Negotiate this now. If you do this when working full time and he is retired you are an idiot. I did most of the cooking and organising while working full time while DH also worked full time as he was the higher earner and I worked from home. Now he is semi-retired and I run a demanding business, he does all the cooking and shopping. (Kids are up and away). His cooking repertoire was limited and it would have been easier initially for me to continue cooking etc (and being resentful). But Hello Fresh got us through the pain barrier and now he cooks most of the meals. I love my job and this is now me time. Don’t feel resentful. it will erode your marriage. Just get him to do the SAHP role. It’s not hard.

I think you need to make it clear whilst he has retired from work he hasn’t retured from
being a parent and husband. And you can say “great! So you can now take over x, y,z” and stop doing them.

You got the cute years with them - secondary is though. They still need you and there is loads of driving involved: sports, parties, etc

If he’s supported you to stay at home then you should repay the favour. Stop being jealous.

It wouldn’t be the obvious course of action if you’re working, and he isn’t! Have you expressed this to him and hes said no you should still do it? He needs to step up and take over secondary school admin if he’s not working. He will still have time for new hobbies when they are at school (and time to clean etc 🤪)

I think you are very wrong to think the secondary years are less hassle. I retired when my youngest started secobdary school because I knew we could not juggle any more. I have to drop them off at half 8 but in reality I'm lucky to get away by 9am and I'm back at school at half 2 to take them home at 2:45. Hangs over me all day being back in time for the kids.
I get asked for fast food ir trips to Tesco on the way home. I get to clean their filthy teenage bedrooms and retrieve odd socks stuffed down the side of tbe bed. Washing every day as they need clean tops because of the teenage boy stink. They have list the ability to flush toilets, bring crockery back to the kitchen or put dirty clothes in the laundry basket.
Then there is school stuff. Need binders and equipment. Need cooking ingredients, need help with a project they have forgotten about, revision nagging. Phone calls from school about injuries and illness usually when I have arranged to meet friends for lunch or coffee. Non uniform days still happen and its always weating a colour we simply don't have. Charity tuck shop, food bank drives, school trip consebt forms, work experience weeks, sports events, school plays etc. Its far harder work than the primary years.
One of my teens hasn't spoken to me for a week after I told him he needed to go to school last friday. I got a trirade by text then silence and zero cooperation. I'd rather the terrible 2s and potty teaining tbh.
My excolleagues are all going on cruises or interesting places like Japan and I'm just chaffeuring ungrateful teens in my retirement. My husband was going to retire next year but has realised he will get tgis crap dumped on him so is refusing to retire now until we have a least one of them out of school.

Selfish bastard. Fancy not wanting to work until he's dead, to fit in with your imaginary scenarios. Please tell me you're going to try and fit your niggling resentments onto every aspect of his retirement.

Just make it very clear that this is the time you now get to concentrate on your career to save for YPUR retirement and he now takes on the child responsibility. If he moans you tell him you self funded your time at home with he dc via an inheritance, so he now needs to do the same via his pension

Haven't RTFT but...

little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.

I'm afraid it's true OP.

Why are you tolerating this?
Drop that rope.
Make life a lot less comfortable for anyone being excessively ungrateful.

This is what I'm getting from the OP as well, unless there's a massive backstreet.