Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

You need to talk to him and have a really honest conversation. You need to find a solution that works for both of you.

Totally irrelevant how old they are

Surely he is retiring at that age because he is no longer physically able to do his job to the level it requires? But he is still able to be a parent. You need to have this conversation with him or you will end up resenting him in the future.

I think you underestimate how much support a child needs at secondary school. Yes, they are expected to be independent by the school but, in reality, they still need a lot of parental involvement. If my husband had retired when my kids reached secondary I would have been over the moon. Reality is that, now they are in their early twenties, both my husband and I are going to be working for another 20 years or so!

Plus, if he's anything like my late DH, "I got up early for 40 years, I'm not getting up early to get the kids up for school."

Have you considered that he may have felt bitter at you having the opportunity to swan around for years not working whilst he had to go out to work?
Has he actually said that he will not be doing all the jobs that you used to do as a SAHP?

He’s 55 hence being able to access his pension. She’s ’younger’ but not said how much.

Agree with others, get it clear that he is handling secondary school and all the teen years stuff. This will include ensuring homework is done, helping to find work experience placements (not as easy as used to be) GCSE choices, school uniform all the drama about PE kit, parents evenings, post 16 choices, social activities support such as transport etc you are now concentrating on your career so great, he will be retired so he will be first point of contact. Make it work for all of you

Swan around for years? You're pulling our legs now aren't you 🤣
OP said she was SAHM until the youngest started school, they're now about to be at secondary.
Do you not value the role of someone caring for babies/toddlers or working while managing all primary age child related stuff at all if you can describe it as "swanning around"?

taking care of pre-schoolers full time is hardly swanning around

The teenage years are different to the primary school years.

The hardest was the studying and revision. Two of the boys were not self motivated. Their father used to shout a lot, not helpful. I kept the fridge and cupboards stocked, confiscated phones and Xbox controller a few times. Weirdly they both worked their socks off at university and have done very well.

So I kept a close eye on studying. Otherwise my DH learnt to cook much better than I did. He watched a lot of James Martin and other chefs/cooks on TV. Googled and printed off recipes. Did the shopping. He still prefers to do the shopping rather than me doing it.

It will make your life easier surely, he will do shopping, housework, laundry, look after sick kids ...

That’s 3 things!

I’d be interested to know how old you are now and how old you were when you decided to become a SAHP.

Design a spreadsheet with everything that needs doing and allocate 75% of all jobs to him

I don’t really understand your logic, OP, as surely he wouldn’t have been able to afford to retire or do anything differently if you were a SAHM? Or, if he carried on working, he would retire after even more expectation on you to deal with your children? When were you expecting him to retire - had you had any sort of discussion prior to his announcement?

The issue isnt the retirement or the division of parenting duties or finances over the years. Quite clearly fundamentally you dont act as a team so your issue is a relationship one, this latest issue has just made you see it!

What I don’t understand OP is that you said you were looking forward to a bit of freedom when your youngest goes to secondary school, but that your DH’s retirement plans mean you’ll be stuck with all that goes along parenting a teen. If you are the one that does all that anyway, how does your DH’s retirement change that?

Nonetheless, in your shoes I’d be having a conversation around the fact that he’s retiring from work, not family life. When you weren’t working, you picked up X,Y,Z, now that he’s not going to be working it’s his turn to do those things.

Are you frightened of him op? I don't understand why you are laughing at the suggestion that you should talk to him about his parental role after retirement... this is a perfectly normal conversation to have with a partner!

As a teacher, I’m fully aware of how much work it takes to look after a family whilst not working, because in effect I didn’t work in the school holidays. I also did all the ferrying around of the DC when they were children purely because we only had 1 car and DH had to get the bus to work - he was out of the house for 12 hours a day in a physical job. I’m now almost fully retired and although my Dc are adults, I also look after the toddler grandchildren 2 days a week.
So yes, I’d say it’s far far easier being at home with children than going out to work. Some days, we would have a lazy day, some days not. I was able to do all the admin required - DH would take the kids swimming at the weekend and I would use that time for those jobs. Being responsible to no one, having 5 hours free every day when the children are in school 5 x a week, 39 weeks a year gives SAHPs a lot of free time when they can, indeed, ‘swan around’.
It’s laughable that some people honestly are claiming that they have no time for themselves because of all the admin they have to do.

I am ex fire service. Is he operational or non-uniformed?
Operational firefighters usually retire at 60 unless for medical reasons. Non uniformed staff can retire at 55 but their pension benefits will take a hit of around 30% reduction (unless in the case of redundancy).
Not sure about police though.
You and he may have crunched the figures, but just thought I’d point this out.

Sorry but OP said she worked once they were at primary school, so I'm not sure your comments are that relevant regarding all the time you have when they're away etc. You also know that the phrase "swanning around" is derogatory and dismissive of what the OP was doing.

Why though? Surely he is a grown up and can deal with it? Dont martyr yourself.

Hopefully he’ll surprise you. My dad was an older parent and retired when I was in early secondary. He went from doing not a lot to all cooking, ironing, shopping, washing, sick days, lifts etc. Hopefully you’ll find the same!

And why are you allowing him to live off you because he hasn't planned?