Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

Bit weird really as retirement is what you do once settled financially, not really something you should take early to raise children. He will be able to help with all the secondary school things or would you prefer him to not retire now and not do that either. Seems like this is a marriage issue not a retirement issue.

My DH retired when youngest was still at primary. Older parents / age gap. DH was 58.
It was brilliant. He was there for all their needs and there's a lot of running around when you live in a village like we do. He was able to take on all the household stuff as well.
Realistically it's not a full time job otherwise no parent could go to work, he still had plenty of "retirement" time.

More. They need you more as teenagers and at morevrandom times. If he is a good dad it can only be a big advantage to him being home.

My DH took on vast majority of household stuff when he retired - at normal retirement age - as I am still working FT. He does the shopping, the washing, a large part of the cooking etc. Absolutely no way would i accept him doing bugger all. If I dropped dead tomorrow he'd have to do it.

Not if you're working...

And will he be visible domestically? Shopping. cooking, cleaning? Still needs to be done even if you're retired

Ideally he should have been handed some of the load as soon as OP started work or even better, did what any good father does and taken it on without any prompting. It's not to late for him to start though.

Definitely. Really don't understand the separate finances in marriage. Maybe at the beginning but once established with children seems pointless unless their is underlying issues.

Should have been doing his fair share anyway.

Well... don't?

It's not the obvious course of action at all if you're working and he isn't.

Yes. It really isn't the obvious course of action for anyone looking at the situation from the outside. It's the obvious route to you having a breakdown and divorcing him!

My dad was a military man (navy) as a first career and retired when I was about 12 (I’m the youngest). He went from doing almost nothing at home to almost everything while my mum continued her part time job. Afaik there was no laying down the law from her and no “obvious course of action” for him to do nothing - he just was at home more so did more at home things. We know he did because he used to tell us and we would take the piss that mum had done it for years without fanfare. I have 2 retired police officer dad friends, one of whom nearly went crackers at home and now works at Tesco part time and the other who is fully retired and they are both the “default” parent to their teens. I see them all the time at school things and dropping kids at social and sports events. It’s ridiculously unfair to say military and police dads are shit dads who avoid their kids. “Just tell him” doesn’t mean bark orders, it means having a conversation with the man you are married to about how you feel, how you think it’s unfair that your role as “default parent” has impacted you so negatively, how you need him to step up, how you want his retirement to benefit both of you the way your sahp time did. If you can’t have these conversations then you have bigger problems.

Well we can't help you then because you clearly intend to martyr yourself.

To be fair he's probably more excited about leaving work, not having a boss and if still shiftworking being able to live his life without a roster. Most men who retire still consider themselves husbands and fathers. OP just needs to let him know what jobs she would like him to take on as he's not a mindreader.

It absolutely isn’t. Make sure all family members know who’s responsible for what. Even if your DH is a little incompetent, you have to turn yourself into a broken record and don’t be tempted into stepping in when things aren’t running at your level of competence. They’ll soon learn. Either that, or you sit down with DH and divvy up everything - what jobs that you currently do can be offloaded? For teens, the mental load gets a lot heavier!

Of course they can be. Was the norm in past generations. Why would you think otherwise.

If he’s retired then he is responsible . Lifts, dropping off forgotten items, meetings, school events, keeping track of things etc.

You drill it into the kids too. I’m at work can’t see/answer my phone. Ring dad. Make him primary contact for the school.

If your youngest just starting secondary, how old are your other kids?

Has your DH factored uni expenses into his retirement calculations?

Sounds like an old fashioned man enjoying the spoils of a modern marriage (can't tell him what you want but separate finances). Would be interesting to hear his side though. Maybe he was disappointed with you using your inheritance to not do paid work rather than putting a lump sum on the mortgage etc.

Possibly, though I have to wonder whether he'd have understood that OP working earlier than she did would've required him to take on a larger, proportionate share of family stuff too. OP mentions him doing shift work, at times unreliable, and not being able to be the default parent. This would of course have had to change, possibly to the detriment of his pension pot.

The issue I think is not necessarily him retiring him now, but the fact you resent you didn’t push for him to be more hands on as a parent during their primary years. You can’t change what’s been and gone, so the retirement issue is separate. I think it will take pressure of you, as the next stage of their childhood can often be even more difficult to navigate. And how lucky your family is to be able to have a parent/husband present to take off potential future pressures. It’s a luxury many can’t afford to do.

Surelybaftervthecage ofv10 DC should be able to organize their school bag anyway.

I agree with this. I have worked all the way through, my choice, same as OP chose not to work and live off her inheritance for a few years. Flip side of this is that I am retiring next year at 55, and have a pension that will provide generously.

OP doesn't seem to have even had a conversation with him about his expectations when he finishes work. This entire thread is based on the assumption that the man is a lazy arsehole. My experience is that forces type personalities do not want to sit around, they want to be kept busy and will take on as much of the load as someone is willing to release to them.

She should have been topping up her pension fund weekly with her inheritance at the time or put a lump sum in to compensate but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

this. This is another post where "the problem is not the problem" If this husband has been someone who can't be talked to and there hasn't been a shared partnership for all of the marriage then of course its going to be harder now....not impossible but harder.

I always knew I had a wonderful marriage to a wonderful man....I just didn't realise how low the bar was elsewhere.

I meant age, not agent.