Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

This sounds like you perhaps don't think he'd listen to you if you did say it OP. You're very passive about it all.

What do you reckon would happen, if you were to say to him now you're not working you'll need to lead more on house and kid stuff, I'll be able to use the time to work more and stuff my pension too, so that means no pissing off on long bike rides all the time unless it's agreed and planned? Would he just refuse?

You chose to stay at home 🙄

I would be annoyed too. Also what is it with men (yes I’m stereotyping, but from my experience it’s the man) having to be told what to do. I get that too, drives me mad!

But she’s allowing it. It’s not suddenly happened

I wouldn’t like my DH very much if he told me he intended to retire and didn’t step up while I was still working. Sounds like he thinks he’s done.

I didn't say it was a full time job.

It was simply to demonstrate that there are still things at secondary he can look after. Bear in mind the OP was calling sports day "admin"!

You don’t have to be responsible for all the admin of the youngest, you are choosing to martyr yourself and be the admin provider of the youngest. You chose to stay at home, and that’s great, he has chosen to retire and that’s great too, but doesn’t negate him of all parenting responsibilities. He is now the homemaker, so make him make it a home.he is responsible for the cooking, the cleaning, the household admin, and you’ll help out where you can around your work schedule. He doesn’t get to take up cycling, naff off everyday and have a nap in the su room- same as you didn’t. If you choose not to have that conversation, and to do it all, that’s 100% a choice you’re making, so own it

I just don't understand some of these posts.
(Disclaimer: I am assuming that the children have no disabilities nor are there any other caring responsibilities. If there are, I apologise and take what I'm about to say back.)

Any reasonably intelligent, physically and mentally person with even the most basic organisational skills could do ALL of these household chores and admin in a FEW hours each day.

Ffs. There are posters here where both parents of small kids work.

Unless this man finds other work, he risks turning into a fuss pot, and as he is is still relatively young and not an old man, she will come to despise him for it.

She knows this deep down, hence the panic.

DH and I have got an age gap and he's planning retirement as soon as he can sell his business. I will carry on working for another 10-15 years as I want to stay financially independent - I was a SAHM for nearly 16 years and my pension pot is appalling as a result. He insists that his is shared, he's a decent man like that but I'm too aware that I won't have direct access to it hence wanting my own. He's been told however that he'll be the one doing the housework/admin at home and I will be dropping all of those balls if he's home all the time.

I've been there, done that. 3 children and teaching one term in 4 schools which meant 4 Christmas concerts and 4 Harvest Thanksgiving services just as a member of staff on top of attending concerts/events for my own children. I'm not sniffing, just don't get all this 'school admin' stuff. Embrace it, it doesn't last long, and I'm just go glad looking back that I did enjoy it. My children appreciated it all, and my husband was always involved too. i guess it's a community thing around here, and the vast majority of parents are incredibly supportive and appreciative and many continue to support the local primary schools well after their own children have left.

Morning all, I’m just catching up on the comments. I do feel like this @AnneElliott. Like this timing is strategic and yes I do feel a bit bitter about the imbalance that has been present since having the DC.

I’ll have the conversation. I still laugh at the “just tell him” comment but yes, I’ll explain my expectations regarding his role come September and see how it goes.

I get how you are thinking. The main thing you should be getting him to do for your youngest child is all the parental support/admin.

Actually the retirement agent divorce rate has been steadily rising.

Maybe I’ll feel like this at some point in the future but my diary is jam packed with leavers assembly and yr 6 production and sports day and tbh I’m drained by it all.

I’ve worked since the youngest went to school. And I already have DC in secondary… hence my concerns! This is the last one to go.

I said right at the beginning of the thread that I returned to work when my youngest went to school. I haven’t been sitting on a sun lounger being fed grapes for the past 7 yrs.

Same
They are usually arseholes

It sounds like this man doesnt really feel he needs to do anything in the family except be him
So @PerfectTiming1 is going to work FT and he thinks shes going to do all the housework, cooking and child admin and support in addition
He sounds horribly selfish

Ikr. Maybe we are different to a lot of people but I never considered childcare etc a chore. I loved looking after my DC. Some parts were a bit of a drag but I wouldn't have had them if I hadn't wanted to do it.

Honestly, I look back on these as the most precious times. I hope you will too.

I don’t understand why he can’t do both have hobbies and pick up the slack at home

everyone’s different some people can spend 25 hours a day cleaning and still need help some can manage a home in a few hours a day
As for this constant school admin I’m at a loss some people seem to have to spend an enormous time on this others it’s absolutely minimal
there’s always up and downs when he retires at 55 kids still at school
it OP retires at same age she gets a free pass as kids will of left school

all you need is a chat about division of tasks when he finishes work

Sounds like he had a job that came with an early retirement option such as police. So many of people who do retire early from these jobs find they get bored and end up using their skills to go back to work as security officers or PIs etc anyway so it might not last.

is it possible that you are projecting here, assuming that although he won’t have work to do, he will also not step up at home and leave you to work and do everything at home.

What does he say when you ask him what he plans to cover? In your shoes I’d be expecting him to step up a lot, essentially to be your ‘stay at home husband’ leaving you with very few household or parenting responsibilities.

Obviously, you need to work it through with him but crucially you then also leave him to get on with it. There is vanishingly little chance he will do it exactly as you would have done. They key is whether you will leave him to it or step in and continue to carry the full load.

Only you can decide that.

Yes, and how great for your teenager to have an at home parent their for them. Hopefully he will form a great bond with them which many fathers don't get the time to do.

I'll agree there, we have friends, he's retired army a complete asshole. When she got cancer he fell apart had never cooked or cleaned. She recovered so he thought business as usual. Then he had a stroke. That was an eye opener, he's handled her money as well as his. Told her what to do with it, run everything. After the stroke he couldn't use the laptop to do this, she had to learn.

They need a new car they've got so much money tucked away but he's forbidden her from buying one so the old car is in and out of the garage and she has to catch buses all the time worrying about him alone because he does stupid stuff and ends up on the floor.

@PerfectTiming1 don't be like her.

Why, though? Just tell him it’s his turn now, he won’t be working, and you will, the roles have been reversed. That’s it!