To ban SD from my en suite?!

[EasterEstherEgg]

I’m fuming!!

When I moved in with DH, an en suite was an essential on my list. I have DD12 and he has SS15 and SD17 and I don’t want to share my personal space with teenagers. They’re also not allowed in our bed.

Have come back from a work trip early to find SD getting out of my bath, with my shampoos, body lotions and creams laid out and my bloody dressing gown and slippers on and apparently she often does this when I’m away!

She - and DH and everyone else - are well aware my en suite is off limits. AIBU?

Yes, I think I am wise in the head.

Last time I went to stay with my sister, I used my teenage nephew's face wash. That was the closest thing to a cleanser in the family bathroom. Never do that, btw. It was made for acne, was cheap, and it burned my perimenopausal skin like a mofo.

I would find it HILARIOUS if he used my products! Although not with abandon, true. I'm not sure I believe the OP about SD using the face cream on her legs. It cost 70 pounds, so surely OP would have led with this if it was true. Because that's ridiculous.

And the SD can't have been using OP's products that much, because she's away two nights a week and hasn't noticed the products going down.

Anyway, to me, family life is all about mucking in together.

She’s the one basically carrying the entire family financially, and apparently her husband and his child are incapable of appreciating it or respecting basic and clearly stated boundaries. They fully deserve to have it flung at them, and then be jettisoned to provide for themselves.

There’s nothing wrong with OP wanting her own space in her house. It’s hardly like the DSD doesn’t/didn’t also have her own space.

I think this is true. You don't seem to like any of them. Some people aren't made for communal family living, so own that and get your space back with your own DD.

Mother not unreasonable
step daughter clearly out of line
Husband failed to support his wife setting a clear reasonable boundary. In many ways he’s a bigger problem because he had the authority to stop it and he didn’t.

OP married him knowing that she was the one with all the money.

However, it does sound like there are bigger problems than a dressing gown and a few creams, so perhaps OP and her DD would be happier living separately. It is VERY hard to put up with messy people in your home if you prefer it to look nice. My exH was very messy, and it was pretty intolerable.

One would actually question why, when visiting, you dont take your own products so as not have to use nephews stuff?

Seriously I think you have some serious interpersonal boundary issues

I guess you are the type to be at a dinner party and use whatever takes your fancy from the bathroom

The OP is perfectly within her rights, to keep the ensuite private . And en suite is attached to a bedroom and surely everyone treats their bedroom as a sanctuary ? Like you dont invite the friends and family in and say - go on up - have a lie down, use my dressing table , work your way through the wardrobe , use my make up?

Communal living is kitchens, living rooms, hallways , dining rooms, gardens ,family bathrooms - not bedrooms/ensuites and usually not studies or offices

I wonder if your SD does this deliberately to say, 'Screw you.' She wears your robe, your slippers, and your expensive skin creams—all of which she does when you are away. I suspect she wants you to know she has no respect for you, and it is your DH who needs to lay down the law.

I'd take it as an opportunity to maybe take the girl shopping for some nice things of her own? A new shower bag with some products you have that she would like or some others she might have on her wish list as well as a new robe and slippers if hers are a bit old. Could be a nice day out together. Then she can use her own toiletries and perhaps she could just ask if she can use the bath in the ensuite for her everything shower/bath day? Why all the vitriol. She's just a kid. Be a bit kind.

Absolutely this.

How on earth did you end up like this @EasterEstherEgg and what do you think you are teaching your DD?

Get yourself out of this mess fgs and you and yours can live in peace.

OFGS

She had no right, be it daughter or step-daughter

Cheeky mare

I can't understand all these posters saying "she's just a kid", "cut her some slack", and the absolutely baffling "treat her to her own skincare". She's 17. She will have an understanding of how much those things cost, and ideally will have done a little paid work to start understanding the value of money.

It's super creepy to wear your stepmum's dressing gown and slippers! And I don't want to think about someone elses fingers going into my pots of creams whether they've just washed or not. It's about respect, permission, and boundaries.

I would say "I find it hard to believe your husband didn't hear the bath running in the en suite" but some men are about as observant as a potato so maybe he genuinely didn't.

Hell I'm in my 30s and would still ask "mum, is it okay if I use X?" if I went to stay with her and had forgotten something, other than the really basic stuff like toothpaste and shower gel. I wouldn't just help myself to her clinique toner.

She's 17! She can get a part-time job and buy her own stuff.

Why would you reward someone for doing something they knew was wrong?

Maybe don’t have teenage children (or marry someone who has them) if you don’t want to share a space with them…because they will be in that space regardless if you get an en suite.

That said, I would be annoyed with someone else using my face stuff. The dressing gown and slippers is a bit bizarre. Do they not have their own nice things, or are they trying to embody the life of luxury they think you live whilst you’re away (lol- but seriously??)?

YABU for being annoyed they used a bathroom.

YANBU for being annoyed they used your face cream, dressing gown/slippers.

Exactly. When my DS was still at home after leaving university he ASKED if it was ok for his GF to stay over. He was respectful re. use of food, snacks etc. When he first moved out he rang the doorbell when he visited! We told him he could use his key and come in.

If either of mine had just taken mine/DH’s stuff without asking, or stolen their DB’s clothes etc, we would have removed the door to their own room as punishment. There is no way I would tolerate my DC just taking each others’ stuff or ours without asking.

Wow. Lovely way to talk about a young person who clearly isn’t loved in your home, or looked after in her mother’s home.

Funny you’re the breadwinner who pays 75% of all the bills and is so hard done by. Who looks after your daughter while you’re away on business 2-3 days a week? Because if it’s your husband then gtfo.

You are obviously carrying everyone financially and they don't respect your privacy - sounds like finding SD using your en-suite, your bathrobe, slippers and your creams etc is the last straw. I suspect your husband and his kids think they have it made and that the gravy train will just continue, no matter how badly they behave. Maybe it's time to show them that actions have consequences and the worm has turned. Once you've calmed down, take some time to think about whether you really want out of this marriage. If you feel you and DD would be happier alone then go for it. Life is too short to stay with someone who takes you for granted.

@EasterEstherEgg you sound unreasonably angry.
Teenagers are going to push and are be selfish and unreasonable
Moving out seems like a huge overreaction, what if it was your daughter who did this? You moving out and throwing in the towel wouldn’t be an option
Your DS has shown she can’t be trusted so get a lockbox for when you leave and put your stuff in there where it’s safe

You need to keep this inexperience and react calmly. With how angry you are about some cream I think you should move out for a while and go to anger management classes

Oh just get off your high horse and GTFO

Trying to spin this as if OP is at fault…..wow! Just wow!! Like a 17 year old these days does not know how much Chanel skincare costs! Please stay naive.

No she’s not loved in that home at all according to you so disrespecting another adults private space is ok as long as the little sweet stepdaughter is not disciplined for such a blatant disregard of her stepmothers boundaries. Why doesn’t OP just sign the house over to her as well as clearly she is the one who must not be held accountable so let’s reward her instead.

No wonder kids these days feel so damn entitled

Can you not just buy her some nice bath things so she doesn’t feel the need to use yours.

massive over reaction really, its not like she murdered someone & you weren’t there

I assume you told her never to do that again OP. What was her explanation?

Another one to say you should get off your
high horse ! Who said she is not loved in both homes ? What a weird assumption. All she is been asked to do is keep away from an ensuite that does not belong to her and as she has her own shared bathroom with her own shared bath she most certainly should be using that. Is it that difficult.?

Massive eyeroll..there's always nit-pickers!

This would really, really bother me to put it mildly! You've said she's doing it as a "fuck you!" & I really believe she is

Also someone else (sorry can't remember who?) suggesting to bring her shopping for Shiseido products & it's "sweet" she looks up to you? Absolutely not, Jesus Christ I hate that it's all on YOU to make your SD feel validated for using all YOUR nice products, as if how dare you not let her have a free for all in your private, personal space.. I'd be fuming too @EasterEstherEgg

Your H/P would want to cop on too

I was expecting to use a bar of soap to wash my face, but there wasn't any.

Everyone's welcome to use my stuff when they stay. I'm always amazed when they bring things like shampoo. I have tons of it at every price point! And toothpaste. Why would you bring that? We're fully stocked!

I don't think it's a massive over reaction at all.. the fact that OP wasn't there surely shows you it was absolutely sneaky & mean actually knowing she SD knows she shouldn't be in there