AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

UK courts don't (and can't) force children to engage in therapy. They can require therapy to be offered, but that's generally part of the family court system not criminal courts. Most of the therapeutic offer to young offenders is via offering support and training to the adults involved in the child's life (under the framework for integrated care) rather than direct therapy to the child, who largely isn't ready for that.

I agree boundaries and routines are helpful for most children, but balanced with connection.

Therapy is a great place to explore relationships with empathy, if that's what the person involved wants to look at. Therapy isn't there to punish to lead anyone where they don't want to go though.

This thread is crazy

How will he contact all these girls with no phone?

Cut him off. Ground him, remove access to money, internet, tech.

Make earn time spent socialising with good behaviour.

His dad needs a serious talk to him about respecting women.

Oh, so you're not receptive to the nuclear option of sending him to a state school. From your response just now, it seems like hell would freeze over before you take away his nice cushy school life, even though he's already an abusive sex pest at fifteen. I get it - you're a weak parent, which is probably why he's been allowed to get into this state.

Nasty boys turn into nasty men. You're reaping what you've sown, and there'll be much more of this to come. I expect you'll be visiting him in prison in the future. Best of luck with it all.

Normally Id agree with you but OP hasnt exactly been clear about whats gone on here, and in other bits of the post. Im a bit concerned the girl may have been heavily pressured which isnt actually consent at all. Ive seen a very similar situation in real life.

Of course the boy could be entirely the victim here. He could do with some counselling or support about it. Doesnt sound like the school has supported him there?

Of course he cried, said it was the girl. He is a complete and utter liar and so is the girl. He is on course to spend time in prison, I have seen this before (am an oldie). You need to recognise he is a liar and manipulator and stop pandering to him. Report his actions to the relevant authorities to get help tomorrow morning.

No hockey, possibly no family holiday either. A State school enrolment for September, no going out and about at all with his friends, no leaving the house without adult supervision. No tech at all, TV only with family, no free time in his room until bed time. No money, you pay for everything directly.

You need to be very very strict with him. Give him the boundaries he should have had before. All this until he goes to a State school in September.

It's going to be a very hard Summer for the whole family, but that is what it is going to take unless you want a criminal in the family later. The other children will be affected by his behaviour and if there are no consequences then they could easily follow.

We should have sent him to board, but it’s too late for that now.

How would that have helped? He needs more involved parenting, not less.

Unfortunately I knew a guy like this who was deeply misogynistic. I was very innocent and he basically groomed me for months then coerced me into sex the moment I was 16. It took years for me to get over that but because it was 'legal' nothing I felt I could do or say or even complain about but honestly a lot of young girls (like I was) are such easy targets for this kind of predatory behaviour. I feel like your son might be putting a lot of girls in the situation I was which is shitty as hell, and you seem to be so passively standing by and even letting this happen in your own home.

I do agree with most of what you say, but OP's boy is a nasty little sex pest who needs a sledgehammer. (Not a literal sledgehammer.) I would have lost all patience and be raining consequences down on his head like confetti. But I'm a very impatient person and have zero time for nonsense.

To be fair PP has made a good point about any school would refer to the police if this allegation was made, regardless of parents wishes, so it’s probably a wind up anyway

Yeah no wonder he’s like this.

You’re beyond help. I feel sorry for his future victims.

OP is a wet noodle. For example, she says no way is her son ever going to state school no matter what crimes he commits. More fool her.

Agree entirely.

I agree with every word @thelongesday. I cant believe people are suggesting he apologises to a girl who lied that he assaulted her. Teaching teens its ok to lie and manipulate just because someone hurts your feelings! Next time someone in that circle claims they were SA they wont be believed because of her actions, shame on her. I agree he needs more responsibility and part of that is having responsibility towards his team mates, so the trip shouldn't be used as a punishment. He doesn't sound like he respects anyone but he doesnt respect his own body very much either. That's makes you wonder if there is more serious MH issues at play here.

@BrightPearlEagle Another thought occurs to me. Maybe a trip to a sexual health clinic is needed for the sake of him and the many girls he seems to entertain. Its a good educational and moral tool. I imagine your permission would be needed.

Not to frighten him, but because he’s having multiple sexual encounters but because he’s drinking, he’s already been involved in a police‑level safeguarding incident with a girl who made a false allegation. He’s behaving in ways that suggest he thinks he’s invincible.

A sexual health clinic will give him proper medical advice, explain legal realities around age, consent, and safeguarding. Assess whether he’s being pressured or is pressuring others. Provide confidential STI testing. Offer support around risky behaviour. It’s a wake‑up call, but a constructive one, not a punishment.

If you take him, you frame it as responsibility, not shame: “You’re sexually active, so you need to take responsibility for your health and that of your partners. This isn’t optional. This is what adults do when they make adult choices.” Teenagers shut down when they feel humiliated. They listen when they feel treated like someone who needs to step up.

Spot on ☝️

OP is not willing to send Little Lord Fauntleroy to state school. I expect that Precious will get his trips, too.

There’s your answer then. No America.

He can stay with grandparents whilst you have your family holiday.

He’s spoilt and arrogant and treats people like crap. He doesn’t deserve a sports tour.

That's fair, I'm absolutely not defending his actions.

How old was he? I’m sorry that happened to you and it’s still having an impact. Grooming normally comes from an imbalance of power. Two 15yos are on the same level here. I also haven’t seen OP say he has ever had any allegations made other than the one that turned out to be false. A lot of jumping to conclusions here that this teenager is some psycho sex pest, unless I’ve missed something, he just sounds like a teen going through a difficult time and needing some parenting and guidance

You say he didnt like this girl etc.

Be honest - did he have sex with her? It sounds like he gave her the impression he liked her in order to have sex with her and then backed off when she expected that meant he liked her.

You need to isolate him from external influences fast. Get him out of the school if possible. Remove all sources of communication with friends & physically supervise any computer use for school work. Remove all access to money. Definitely no hockey tour!!

You need to act fast or he's in danger of becoming a really nasty piece of work.

This is insane. Your son has sexually assaulted another child and he’s still been able to bring multiple girls back to your home? You can’t just wash your hands of the responsibility. He needs to be taught that this is absolutely not acceptable. No social media access whatsoever and find out what the hell he is doing when he is doing whatever he wants. He’s 15 fgs. Take him away together and talk to him. Reach out to social services for support (they’ll be shit I’m sure but at least try). Do not raise another entitled arrogant rapey man to adulthood. The world does not need more of them.

OP's message above: "He is not going to state school." Says it all, really.

Well if we believe op, then the evidence was that he didn’t assault her?

So move him to a different private school.

And send him to army cadets. He can just try answering back cockily there and see how that lands.