AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Sounds like my ex from teen years. Manipulative bastard. Mollycoddled and spoilt by his parents, he was an angel as far as they were concerned and could do no wrong. Assaulted me many times and stalked me when I left, I had to get the police involved in the end.

You give him far too much choice. He’s still a child so you have the power to deal with this. For starters you can ground him so he can’t hang out with girls and bring them home, take his phone away, other privileges if he has them like games consoles, I’d be inclined to take the hockey away too to be honest. Also, he comes to therapy whether he likes it or not, you’re pampering and indulging him.

A youth rehabilitation order with intensive supervision and surveillance requires regular attendance, which can be daily, and makes the offender look at his or her offending behaviour and what they need to do to change. It’s not literally therapy but it is intensive and requires reflection

OP says the girl called him 50 times a day after he said he didn't want to go out with her (which is harassment) and then threatened him saying if he didn't unblock her she would lie and tell everyone he sexually assaulted her.

Apparently there was so much evidence in her messages that the assault was made up that the school and even her parents apologised to him. She also then retracted the accusation once it became public and said she had made it up because she was annoyed he blocked her.

I get that you can never know in these situations, but the way you're talking about a 15-year-old boy who is potentially the victim of harassment and malicious reporting is a bit OTT.

This sounds really tricky ….
he is rewarded for behaviour - popular, gets girls, captain, school love him etc …

you must feel like you are banging your head on a brick wall ….

i bet he sees you as the problem, that if you just left him to it, life would be great !!

have u considered being matter of fact,
practical and say he needs to attend sexual health clinic for full screening given his obvious promiscuity, ?

you can stop the girls coming into the house, but you won’t stop his behaviour - it’s self fulfilling -

therefore I would go for education around :
sexual predator behaviour - risk of further accusations around lack of consent
reputation
sexual health
risk of pregnancy
online reputation that may follow him into adult life -

I’d probably want to acknowledge that his life is highly rewarding the way it is, and try to amplify the repercussions - but definitely insist on sexual health screening

The age is a very interesting question. He was only 17 himself (& that is exactly also why I felt I had no reason to complain as we were similar in age) but I later discovered he had a very bad reputation for treating girls this way for a long time - very sexually active very early - and his dad was a horrendous sexist pig. I suspect he was exposed himself to some nasty behaviour quite early that made him quite damaged.

The balance of power is an interesting concept - in the sense of being abusive, being predatory, planning this ahead, manipulating me - he had ALL the power. The first sexual activity happened rhe day I turned 16 for example and I had zero experience, and it was totally different from how he'd been all about just the hand holding til the night before so I was an easy target. He definitely waited til the second I was legal despite being so young himself. So i think power balance gets 100% thrown out, even for similar ages, if one of the two is exhibiting predatory behaviour.

Saying that, I had a wonderful long term boyfriend for years after who was deeply respectful and I went on to have a very healthy relationship with my body, sex, relationships, etc. But it still makes me feel very protective of younger women.

I think the reference to dual citizenship was in response to a comment that he wouldn’t get the appropriate visa to the US if charged with a crime as he dosnt need a visa.

OP this sounds horribly difficult and I'm sorry that you're getting troll-hunting and snarky comments on this thread, too.

I'm in a very different situation - in my case the 'problem child' is a girl who turns her aggression inwards after a sexual assault. So it's cruelty against herself, a complete lack of compassion for herself, and it's horrible to watch. Still, I've found myself thinking sometimes 'at least she's not doing this to others, how would that feel...' so I understand what you're saying about being horrified.

And I understand how such a situation messes with siblings and the whole family dynamic. It's a nightmare. You have my sympathy.

If you find yourself raking over your parenting of him, thinking 'where the hell did I go wrong' and coming up blank, make sure to consider whether there is any chance, any at all, that he was exposed to some form of sexual predation, or any other kind of traumatic breach of trust, off- as well as online. In our case, I spent years being told that I was 'hindering my child's recovery' by 'being too worried' before my daughter disclosed the assault. The perpetrator was someone I'd never have thought that of.

It sounds to me like he treated the girl very shabbily, but apparently not in a way that amounts to a crime - there's plenty of scope for that - and she responded by creating a situation that in turn was very stressful to him and - most importantly - has poisoned your relationship with him.

Some sort of break to the current routine, which is not really a routine but a downward spiral, seems advisable, and a trip is a practical way to achieve that.

By what I've seen of angry teenagers, though, an attempt to repair the relationship by traveling together could also go very wrong, if he spends the whole time trying to punish you further by sulking etc. Try to make it a trip that has some intrinsic attraction for him, without being too much of a treat. Listen up for anything that could be an attempt to share a painful secret. Or perhaps cooling off at the grandparents' first, then a 'nice' trip? It's a difficult balance to strike. All the best.

Thus sounds quite minimising - almost sarcastic.

He is having sex underage with underage girls - that is illegal.

A quick Google tells me the age of consent in America is 16-18 depending on the state. If he has sex with an underage girl in America or an allegation is made about him of course he could get into legal trouble.

Of course it's not a crime or an assault to have sex with someone you 'don't like' i.e. aren't interested in romantically but surely it's not morally OK? Especially at 15 when it could have been her first time and she clearly wanted a relationship with him. We're not talking about an adult one night stand here where everyone has the same agenda. The lack of empathy he had for her, and apparently a string of other girls, is a concern.

What are you talking about? If you reported him for underage sex when they were both 15, your daughter would also be equally in trouble for having sex with a minor?

Asides from the fact that the courts don't ever prosecute two 15 year olds who have sex, or even a 15 and a 17 year old - they just don't do it in the UK.

I would actually pay good money to see this arrogant young man being shaped up by the military! 🤣

I don’t really have any answers, we’ve had a son go through independent school with no issues but I know boys can be a handful. I am always shocked at how some people parent, my son could be a devil but respect at home and for elders/school was instilled from a toddler, we were laid back parents but there was a boundary line but if it hadn’t been instilled from day one I would imagine it would be difficult to enforce later.

Is he not just going to behave in the same way at his grandparents house? I’m not sure I’d be lumbering them with him 🥴

I think some other posters have raised some very valid points about DS's sexual activity. It may well be that, in this instance, the girl in question made a false accusation (or maybe she said she did because she didn't want to go through a trial, but that's not the point here). It doesn't mean that any future accusations will not be true. If DS does not want to be falsely accused of sexual assault, he needs to stop putting himself in these situations with girls.

OP, I think it's already been said, but I think you need to come down like a tonne of bricks on your son. All treats and privileges taken away. No leaving the house except for school. No hockey, no trip to the US.

Except in this case they are both 15 so it is, quite literally, illegal.

His popularity with so many girls and what he does with them may backfire on him. The next girls obsession with him might just not be a bombardment of texts. He may find himself becoming a teen dad if a girl foolishly thinks thats the way to try to keep him. 🙁

Yep - but it's equally illegal for her to be having sex with an underage boy of 15 - so they've both done something illegal

I feel like I’m losing my mind here. OP has said

Underage sex
Underage drinking
Popular
Girl obsessed
Doesn’t listen to their rules
Manipulative
Doing well at school
Good at sports
Lots of girls fancy him
Charming
Falsely accused of sexual assault
Mum didn’t believe him
Fractured relationship with his mum since

The first 7 sound like me! I was not good at sports or charming and the boys didn’t fancy me, but I cannot see what everyone else is seeing here. Half of my friends were boys when I was 15. I was obsessed with boys. I had sex at 15. I drank and smoked weed. I was in a state school, so don’t understand why people are suggesting that the go to one, like it wouldn’t happen there!

How has he had a diff girl in the house over weeks?

Of course the girl didn't make a false accusation, knowing what we know about this boy. He likely coerced her into sex, or forced her, which is why she made the allegation. And then she got spooked by the potential legal machine, so withdrew. Don't forget, Harriet Greenwood refused to provide evidence against Mason Greenwood even though there was actual audio of him assaulting her and threatening her. He was tell her to put her legs up and she was saying she didn't want to and why did she have to do that, and he said just wait and see what happens to you if you don't. And then there's silence except for sound of the mattress squeaking. And photos of blood pouring down her face. Yet she lost her nerve and said she wouldn't testify against him, so the case collapsed. A woman withdrawing allegations means NOTHING.

Yes, OP's son sounds like a normal teen to me. It's noticeable that it's OPs eldest so she hasn't experienced this before!

He's also very very young - everyone here seems to be talking about him like he's a man!

The sexual assault is obviously bad, but from OP's later updates it actually sounds like it was a false allegation (said so by the girl herself, her parents, the school and in the girls text messages where she threatened to lie about it) and there's evidence he was being harassed and his mum didn't believe him

Where has OP said that? A girl made accusations then retracted them.

Its not about whether that stuff happens, its about getting him out of a toxic situation hes made himself the king of, by the sounds of it, and grtting him into somewhere new (local state school) where he doesnt have that power, isnt in that toxic group, and can start over.

Yes, and we can only go on what OP is saying here. Obviously. It’s all very strange as she didn’t lead with the evidence that came to light’s and someone has already said schools are would have needed to report it to the police before they even had a chance to gather evidence. So it’s probably all rubbish. But even still I cannot wrap my head around the responses

So why say “He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks”. Very confusing