AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

I would be really, really wary of him going to the US. If he gets into trouble there - and he sounds like the type of kid who won't listen to warnings - he could get into serious, serious problems. I wouldn't let him go.

Are you actually kidding? They are both 15 making stupid decisions. Yes he needs to understand how to treat other people with respect, but he’s 15, he’s the same age as her and just because he’s a boy doesn’t mean he needs to be held to a higher moral standard. They both had sex. She then made a false allegation against him, but he should write her an apology letter? Why are you villainising one teen over the other for something they both did? Why are we assuming he was in some way manipulating her? This thread is crazy.

I’m not one to be like ‘think about the poor boys, it’s not safe for them to smile at a girl anymore’ like no, violence against women is a real issue. But teenage girls are just as stupid and hormonal and responsible as teenage boys.

OP I feel like you are glossing over his behavior towards girls here? You almost sound a bit proud. Sorry if thats harsh if you are stressed, but Ive seen this from the other angle where teen boys have been revolting towards girls.
The school isnt going to call you in because your son is 'popular' with the girls. I highly doubt they care whether girls fancy him. There must be more going on.

Im also curious how he manages to be doing school work from higher levels, playing elite sport, and have time to get drunk and have a different girl around every night.

You're being quite opaque in places.

Why are the girls getting in your house every day if you say you are not letting them in? How does that work?

Why does the fact that your son holds US citizenship mean you cannot prevent him from going on the stupid hockey tour? Do you as parents - presumably financing this - really have no say in it?

Could you please try to explain yourself better? You must see where you're not making sense... it is reading a little like you have given up.

This isn't how therapy works. An individual of any age has to be ready for therapy and to choose to engage with it. No therapist is going to be directed by parents as to what to focus on.

There's also a lot of evidence that harshly punitive approaches are largely unsuccessful in changing teen behaviour. What helps is a relational approach.

Because toxic macho culture encourages boys to treat women badly and in some cases physically hurt them. We dont actually know what happened here, but its extremely common for boys to emulate what they see in porn.

If he doesn't shape up, he'll find himself attending court-mandated therapy. He's already been very lucky not to have been reported to the police by that girl's parents for under-age sex. If I was her mother, I'd have reported him in a second. Wouldn't have thought twice about it. And if he'd been 16, and she was 15, hell would have fallen on his head and he'd have ended up with a criminal record. And I'd have sued him in a civil court for damages, too, if he was 16 and she 15. That's possible. He would have to be accompanied by a parent and the parents would be responsible for paying damages. I'd have done everything in my power to punish him. OP is extremely lucky the girl doesn't have a protective tiger mother like me.

Edit: Therapy is the perfect place to address deficits in empathy, which he definitely has, judging by the way he treated that girl.

And it depends on the child re. punitive measures. Some respond well to strong boundaries. That's why going into the military has sorted out so many troubled young men. I suspect this is what this young man needs. Not the military, but some really strong boundaries.

I think you meant to say, not exactly a great situation for the female CHILD he assaulted.If you didn't, then you're the problem.

I used to work in a big full boarding school trust me he doesn’t sound like the type of boy boarding schools in the 21st century are made for.
Supervision for yr 10/11 is often quite limited you are in their home as well as their school so most don’t have draconian rules, the schools are trusting their pupils to behave. Relationships between staff especially for older pupils are quite informal, older pupils are expected to set a good example and care for younger pupils along side house staff.

It’s not uncommon for parents to send their very badly behaved offspring spring to board around yr 11/12 but in my extensive experience it usually doesn’t work and they end up leaving and going to a crammer. Boarding schools don’t want distributive pupils anymore than any other school.

I have a teenage boy and this is what I would do if he were mine.

I would take him out , just me and him a few times (leaving his brothers with my husband). I'd go somewhere with privacy to talk like walking the grounds of a national trust estate- and I would peck his head big time!

You son was very upset/crying when he was accused of assault and you need to tap into that.

You need to talk to him about the effect an allegation/prosecution could have on his future. This could be a false allegation or an allegation because the girl sees things differently to him (e.g. a girl who has been drinking can't remember what happened or feels that she couldn't give valid consent). It could be parents of a girl wanting him prosecuted for underage sex). I don't know how realistic that is but I would roll with it anyway. You need to talk about what effect he thinks it would have on his life if he was know as a sex offender and on the sex offenders register.

You need to tell him that there is a tried and tested way to largely avoid allegations of this nature and it is to get to know a person/date them, be in a relationship and have mutual trust before any sex.

You also need to talk about pregnancy and the effect of underage pregnancy. That you will not support him to go to university if he gets someone pregnant but he will need to get a job to support the baby or go to uni as an independent adult as your priority with any spare time and money will be the baby.

Again the solution is sex only with a trusting relationship where contraception is covered - doubled up if possible.

He could also hear about sexually transmitted diseases, how some could make a man or woman infertile, how some you will have and manage for life (e.g. herpes/HIV and will forever have to consider when dating - you can literally be prosecuted for sleeping with people HIV + without telling your partner).

Your son thinks he is wild and free but he needs to learn that action have consequences the hard way.

I wouldn't take away any of his trips personally - but I wouldn't stop pecking his head until I felt satisfied he was sufficiently terrified of casual sex with virtual strangers. He needs to understand he has been sailing close to the wind and making decisions that could be life ruining for him - he needs to learn to protect himself and in turn the girls he is around.

You keep blaming yourselves. Why?

Send him to the roughest possible state school 6th form. He needs to come down a peg or two, sounds like he's been over indulged.

We are but he is a US Citizen hand has flown to visit family on his own. I do not think he will get himself in legal trouble. It is not a legal issue to say to someone you are not interested and to tell them to leave you alone and not call you so much, he was being harassed, the family apologised to us, she did threaten and saying she will get him in trouble and was harassing him, calling him 50+ times, emailing him, messages upon messages when he did not respond. As much as my son has been a menace I do regret not believing my own son, he will resent me for that for a while. If it was the other way round.

I feel awful for you OP. It sounds like a very difficult situation.

The only way to get through to him if anything was to work, would be to approach from his perspective. The false accusation will open this conversation. Tell him how vulnerable he is to this happening again and next time he won't be believed. Tell him what he is doing is illegal and he could end up in prison. Make sure he knows what can happen to good looking boys in prison. Also suggest that his level of promiscuity makes people think he is insecure, he'll hate to hear that as it goes against his image. He sounds like a little shit but he was the victim of a fake revenge SA claim and probably should be supported for that, maybe he needs to see you are on his side regarding this. Girls are no longer in the house so he can be protected from another false SA claim (that's what you could say..). Also he must be organising all this through apps. Rather than take his phone you could say next time he tries to bring a girl home he gets 24 hours no phone. Anything bigger and he will have a meltdown.

I'm not in the UK but I rang a parent helpline a couple of times just to tell some poor stranger volunteer how much I hated my DS and how i wanted him to leave.. I tried to talk to friends about things but I felt met with judgement. It felt very good to just rant. My issues were different and not relevant to you and thankfully mostly passed by 18. It might be something to consider when you are about to explode

Sounds like he has major issues, a sex pest if you don’t deal with things now.
Get him help before he ends up on r*pe charges, sounds like it’s a major concern.

Yes I have no issue with that, but two teenagers had sex, one said he’s not interested and then the other began sending multiple messages, made threats of a false allegation and then proceeded to make a false allegation.

I think it’s ridiculous to then centre that girl as the victim in this because he didn’t want a relationship with her. Ok, he’s an arrogant teen, yes he needs to have it drilled in to be treating people with respect. But he’s not assaulted her and has been the victim of a false allegation. His mum didn’t believe him until the evidence showed he didn’t do it. Yet someone is suggesting he write an apology letter?

The girl is also making stupid decisions and needs her parents guidance around how to handle herself and understanding consent. But two teens having casual sex doesn’t then become a sexual assault because the ‘girl wouldn’t have consented if she thought he didn’t want a relationship’

If im being honest by your responses on this thread, it no wonder your son is running rings round you! I don't know If it's apathy to the situation but honestly your like a wet lettuce who doesn't sound like they have a clue how to parent!

Get him out of the private school and move him to another as they appear to be enabling him. The America trip is off- he can't behave so he gets absolutely no nice things. No phones, no money and there would certainly not be a string of girls coming to my house. I'd be watching him like a hawk. He seems to have not one ounce of respect for women- you'll be wanting to nip that in the bud asap

I'd try to talk to him one to one, alongside him in the car can sometimes feel less confrontational. He is probably feeling a lot of pressure and insecurity which can come out in arrogance and anti-social behaviour in some lads in particular. Is there anything you have in common or can bond with him over? Are there any times when he is calmer and more approachable?

Your son is the one putting himself in vulnerable positions of accusations having sex with virtual strangers. That is on him not you - do not tolerate him trying to lay that at your door. If he wants you and other people to believe he is a gentleman he should behave like one.

I'm a bit concerned about the 'send him to a state school' suggestions here. Given that he's apparently a sex pest, taking him out of what I'm assuming is an all-boys school and putting him in an (almost certainly) mixed sex environment doesn't seem like the best move, unless you think it's ok to harass girls as long as they aren't private school girls? You might be right that he might get taken down a peg or two by the boys there. Equally, at fifteen any new boy introduced into a school who is BT the sounds of it relatively attractive, is going to cause havoc with the girls, so I can't see that helping much.

He is not going to a state school, is that what you think of state schools ahaha.

He doesn't and that's why I am out of my depths at the minute

This...OP hes an abusive man. Thats the reality. You need some hard boundaries fast.

It would be crazy to let him go on a US hockey trip - absolutely insane.

I agree with the posters who suggest pulling him out of school to go to the local comp if he doesnt clean up his act. And also sending him off all summer to the grandparents and keeping a big eye on what the hell hes looking at online.

Also seeing as he acts in an abusive way to girls, who knows what happened with that girls complaint? Maybe there was truth to it but how many of these cases go anywhere, and how horrific would it be for a teen girl to go through the reporting process about the most popular guy around? Or to understand a 'she technically said yes' or 'she didnt technically say no out loud' or 'she was drunk' or whatever at her age? Or to explain and revisit herself what line might have gotten crossed?

I'm sorry this is happening to you, some kids are just generally laid back and easier and some kids are more challenging and tou have a challenge here but in that context...you sound wildly soft and also a bit in awe of him (theres a lot of language about how hes sporty, popular, all the girls fancy him, clever, etc).

You sound so passive on all of this - I still can't see a single consequence that he has experienced - and just because he has dual nationality that doesn't mean you can't cancel his hockey trip - you clearly just don't want to miss your own holiday at the same time. What is more important?

This is great advice. My feeling is that he needs a referral to services to deal with his misogynistic behaviours!
I also think the US trip should be off the table! If he cannot be trusted in the UK he cannot be trusted in the US!

I will just say this
If a child alleges she has been assaulted, the safeguarding lead would HAVE to go to the police. It isnt up to the parents, it isnt up to the girl, they HAVE to do it.NO WAY would they be calling the accused/his parents who are not connected with the school. That would prejudice any potential investigation or proceedings. This is basic safeguarding - Page 1.

The fact that the OPs version of this matter is patently untrue, it throws into question the genuineness of the whole (already rather unlikely) thread