AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

The school wants your money and your son’s results for their league tables.

I would be saying no to the hockey trip. This is yeh only leverage that you have and it should be a privilege not expectation that he gets to go. Underage drinking and sex won’t be tolerated in the US and why would you want to pay for a trip with your hard earned money?

Are his gp strict or soft? Is he likely to go to theirs without a problem? If the gp are soft then you are providing your son with more girls to shag, drink and do drugs with. It might be best to send the younger ones so they can have a break from their brother and the tension. How do you think
the gp will cope if he acts the same as at home?

You need to take control. If his gadgets are confiscated then he shouldn’t be able to text girls and his hockey mates (the people he cares about) You need to make sure that all of his electronics are confiscated because there’s no point taking the phone if he has a ps5 or laptop to send messages. From your descriptions, you didn’t take them for long either. He’s running rings around you because you’re soft and his 2 younger siblings are watching you and your h being ineffective. You could be doing this with the other 2 if you don’t face up to things and take action.

Well then it’s time to hit him where it hurts! The hockey trip. And don’t back down he needs to know who is in charge in your family and it’s certainly not him.

Lay down the law, that he’ll never get anything he wants unless he does exactly as he’s told when he’s told.

You have 3 years left to make sure he becomes a decent young man. After this, he’s an adult and really doesn’t have to listen to you.

@BrightPearlEagle

@BrightPearlEagle Your son isn’t “struggling at a difficult age”. He’s behaving like someone who has learned that rules don’t apply to him, at home or at school because nobody has ever followed through.

You’ve got underage sex, drinking, him attempting to bring girls in the house daily (if you are telling him no and he keeps dragging them back, its you he is challenging and not his sex drive), school escalating behaviour concerns, you off work with stress and a household at breaking point.

This isn’t normal teenage boundary‑pushing. This is a 15‑year‑old who is way out of his depth and needs the adults to step up and take control.

And yes, the incident with the girl falsely accusing him is relevant. Not because it excuses everything, but because it shows he’s already been in a situation with serious safeguarding implications, police involvement, and emotional fallout. That alone should have triggered a hard reset at home to protect his future and stop this happening again, if nothing else.

Instead, it sounds like everything carried on as before. He needs to understand that if he keeps repeatedly using and abusing girls (and he needs to understand this is what he is doing - he needs to understand mutual respect because eventually mud will stick or he will end up a teenage Dad.

Sending him to your parents isn’t “abandoning him”, it’s removing him from a chaotic environment he’s currently dominating. A short stay with grandparents can be a pattern interrupt, a cooling-off period, a chance for him to be somewhere he isn’t the centre of the storm and a chance for you and your husband to get aligned and stop firefighting. It’s not punishment. It’s triage.

Right now, the worst thing you can do is keep him in the same environment where he’s running the show.

And absolutely no, he should NOT be going on the sports tour. A child who is drinking, is sexually active with multiple girls, is ignoring all rules, is under formal behavioural review at school, is causing household breakdown …does not get rewarded with a trip away where supervision is lighter and temptations are higher. If he can’t behave at home, he won’t behave abroad. This is exactly the kind of situation where schools later say, “We had concerns but didn’t act,” after something goes wrong. The school should be holding a hard line in tandem with you. Getting good educational grades is not where the schools responsibility ends.

You and your husband need to get on the same page. Something like:
“We love you, but things cannot continue like this. Your behaviour is affecting everyone. You’re going to stay with your grandparents for a short reset while we work with the school and put proper boundaries in place. This isn’t a punishment, it’s a pause so things don’t escalate further.”

Then remove privileges (phone, gaming, socialising) until behaviour stabilises, work with school pastoral team, consider CAMHS referral if shutdowns/anger are extreme, put clear house rules in writing and enforce consequences consistently.

He’s bright, popular, and socially confident but that combination can turn toxic fast if adults don’t intervene.

You’re not abandoning him. You’re finally stepping into the role he desperately needs you to take: the adult who says “enough”.

Its time to pull your big pants on and stand the line OP, you seemed to have tried everything else and its deteriorating. What have you got to lose.

This!

OP, the threat of state school should be enough to make him behave. I know it's probably the last thing you want to do, but taking him out of his cushy environment would be a fab consequence. It should be, "Behave, or no more gentle schooling for you!" You have to make the threat and be prepared to follow through. He's bright so there should be no excuses for state school affecting his exams. Hundreds of thousands of pupils get straight As at state school. Also, if you do have to follow through, it would save you some money! Also would set an example if he has brothers at private school.

His choices should be: Shape up or state school. Nothing in between.

Hard, I know. But I think by (potentially) imposing a consequence that will have a huge effect on his daily life, you would be doing him a huge favour in the long run. He sounds like a brat who needs to be brought down to earth with a bump. Boys like him used to be sent to military school.

Hmm, not sure I am the best person to offer "advice", but I had a step-son when he was 10 - 16 and it all worked out quite well.
I think you need to have an "adult" conversation with him around the fact that his school has "invited" you for a meeting.
Ask him how you should approach this, think of some scenarios that could come up and ask him how he wants you to deal with these.
No confrontation, just state the facts and put the onus on him to provide solutions. Take notes.
I have a strong suspicion that be may be being bullied or otherwise picked on, having the talk could encourage him to open up.
I'll stop now.
Should add that I only ever had 1 issue with my step-son and that was when we took him to have a haircut, aged 11. His father conveniently disappeared and I had to sit in the salon with some twittering woman, who kept asking me how she should cut his hair. I could see in the mirror that he was getting more and more annoyed, so I just said to her, why not ask SS because it is HIS hair you are cutting! Oh, and she kept referring to me as "mummy". Afterwards I remarked on the "mummy" references and admitted I should have complained - SS just laughed like a drain, which I knew he would. No more tension.

Yes a trip to repair your relationship would be good. Just feels like you all need to take a deep breath and calm down. And don’t minimise what he’s been through. Do you think he resents that it seems you may have believed her before the she recanted?

I completely agree, but I didn't want to be one of those parents who immediately defends their child, only to later discover they actually did what they were accused of. At the time, I felt I had to take it seriously.

He now says I "tried to ruin his life" and that I'm evil. My DH and I went back and forth over whether sending him to his grandparents was the right thing to do. Looking back, I don't think it was my best decision, but I genuinely didn't know what else to do at the time. Hearing afterwards that he'd cried the whole time didn't make me feel any better about it.

The trip is a good idea I think it could help us, we were very close at one point and I miss that, his relationship with me is worse than with his father.

But what consequences has he actually faced? Taking away things he dosnt care about…

You say the only thing he dose care about his Hockey, take that away. And it sounds like the school is enabling him. I agree with others send him to a big state comp and he will absolutely be taken down a peg or 2. If he’s as academically inclined as you say he will still be successful regardless of where he goes.

If he messes with girls who don’t come from well of private school families he will absolutely get his comeuppance from a big brother, cousin, dad or even the girl herself.

I think that it is the unconditional love that is the problem.

Why would he change when you will love him regardless?

My husbands ex wife said this to their kids and It was fine to say to two of their children but the third one went off the rails.

Her parents also said it to her and her brother and her brother became a drug addict and ended up going to prison because he gave his best friend some drugs which killed him.

My parents never said it to me. Neither did my husband's parents say it to him as I think they realised how dangerous it was for certain children.

@FizzyPopLove And OP, you haven't failed him (yet), some kids are harder than others. You fail him if you stop trying, its not called "Tough Love" for nothing.

Get in the frame of mind, set boundaries, tell school his behaviour is not acceptable and they need to support your parental decisions. Bring in the social workers if you need to, I think you can turn this around with boundaries.

Its not easy, but its better than doing nothing because it doesn't sound like life is particularly joyful at the moment. You need to do this for the love of your children because more than the 15yr olds future is at stake if he carries on in this way.

And in all that crying did he consider his behaviour at all? You appear to suggest he is some sort of wide boy (albeit he’s wonderful at sports and terribly good academically, so popular and handsome that all the girls fall around him) but have you talked about how if he is talking and flirting with all the girls at the girls’ school and some lass has a crush on him and he is getting intimate with her (“she said it was consensual”) even when he isn’t interested in her that isn;t the way he should be behaving?

It's not had an impact because he's not bothered about the things that have been removed or stopped. It's only going to work if it is an unfavourable consequence like not going on the hockey tour.

Would have thought that the false allegation made by the girl would have made him take stock of his actions and behaviour towards girls in general and acted as a wake up call.

I disagree that he doesn't have to listen to his parents when he turns 18. I know this is a popular view on MN, but it's unrealistic since most parents are still funding their kids at this age and for some time yet. Being totally independent of parental control is only possible if they go out to work full-time at age 18 and become totally independent of their parents, i.e. living in a flatshare and not needing any financial help or shelter from Mum and Dad at all. I think we can all agree that this is unusual at age 18.

Eighteen might be the legal age of majority, but socially, children are still VERY much dependants at 18, not to mention they're still at school. The old age of majority used to be 21, and that really is more like it.

They're not independent of parental control until they're permanently out of the house and financially independent of their parents. Before then, if they misbehave, you can just stop various elements of the funding. Or all of it.

Sounds a bit like my nephews mate. He’s privately educated - cock of the north. Met through sport - I think if you’re good looking, smart and good at sport, private school can be a very intoxicating place that just breeds arrogance and entitlement.

My son is 16, he’s good looking, smart, sporty etc. His year groups massive though (state) Always someone better off and worse off as the saying goes. Sounds like your sons perched at number 1. Good luck.

I do understand your reaction, I guess in hindsight you probably should’ve been one of those parents who defend their son. Even if internally you might question, did he do it?

I think your mum and dad should have your back. Especially as it turns out it’s likely he didn’t do it. I can’t imagine how much he will have internalised that you didn’t initially believe him.

Has your family counsellor discussed ways for you to try and make amends?

Kick the fucker out, soon learn the hard way. School of hard knocks and all that.

There is peer reviewed research going back 60 or so years saying clearly and without doubt that consequences and punishments don't work, make things worse, often harmful.

@BrightPearlEagle please ignore all the posts telling you to punish. However, you do need to parent more, and like many good posts here are saying you need to talk to him more and frequently tell him what behaviour is expected from him, and why such behaviour is necessary. The idea of taking him away on his own is good. Please don't cancel the sport trip as a punishment, it would be the worst possible thing to do.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless.
Teens will be cooperative if they feel safe and feel understood and if the connection is good, believe it or not. My dc15 is sometimes lovely and sometimes like how you describe and every time he is like how you describe it is to do with bad feelings, stress etc. Your dc cried, bear that in mind. I think there are things he'd like to talk to you about to get support about and it is a matter of deciding you will support him with whatever he says, you will give him emotional support but also give him good advice and explain the advice you are giving him, clear expectations but lots of support, and then convince him you will do this so that he feels he can open up to you without drama or shock from you, and that you will help him. He needs guidance even though he is doing well and he might sometimes resist it, but chances are he will take on board what you say if you are giving him support at the same time.

So much terrible, terrible advice on here. You will not punish a 15 year old into being well behaved and kind - you can punish them into being more secretive, you can punish them into being more resentful and you can punish them into hating you, but you will not punish them into being a better behaved and kinder person. Just suddenly taking away the hockey tour is a terrible, terrible idea.

What you need to be doing is giving him more independence and more responsibility, getting him doing more - including the hockey tour (which could be very good for him). Could he volunteer to help teach hockey to the younger kids, could he be making his own meals/family meals more, could he be doing his own washing and ironing. Not as a punishment but as him getting more independent and responsible and ready for camp. Get all the kids involved. Get him earning his phone contract and any money you give him.

Get him thinking about the future. What does he want to do when he finished school? What could he be doing now to work towards that, volunteering, online courses, looking at universities and degree apprenticeships etc, how he will make himself competitive.

You need to be talking calmly to him about the risks he is taking - talking calmly about teenage pregnancy, the risk of being falsely accused of rape when he is just using girls and then dropping them, trying to build empathy and seeing these girls as people with feelings that get hurt.

You keep saying he is spoilt - what has been done to spoil him? Is he unhappy because he has just been totally spoilt? What house rules is he breaking? Is there more going on here that we or you are not aware of? This doesn't sound like a happy kid, when did his behaviour start going off the rails? What are his friends like? You need to work out if there's more going on here OP or if he's just growing up and not doing a great job of it right now.

@BrightPearlEagle kindly- it is time to stop hand-wringing and start setting and holding boundaries. It does rather sound as if you tell him off, remove a privilege and then quickly fall back in line with his wishes. No wonder he acts as if he’s in charge. Rather then sending him to your parents try some strong boundaried parenting.

1. your son is underage to be having sex and so are the girls he’s having sex with. Yes lots of kids do it - doesn’t mean it’s right or legal. Personally I would be taking a very strong line on this.If that was my daughter I would be reporting to the police even if she said she consented because she’s under 16 - so be very very careful. And remember once he turns 16 if he has sex with a younger girl in his year - he’d be an ‘adult’ sexually abusing a child. please take this seriously
2. you need a responsible adult available to supervise him at all times until he can be trusted - I would look at employing a housekeeper or mature after school nanny to supervise to ensure no unwanted guests/behaviours when you are out
3. I would consider moving him to another school where his charm does not influence how he is treated and teachers do not allow him to break the rules
4. NO hockey training until he learns how to behave appropriately and no trip even if he starts behaving because as per pps he cannot be trusted to behave appropriately on a trip. this is your biggest lever - use it.
5. NO unsupervised access to technology and no phone at all.
6. i would consider his social life too - is he going out partying? Drinking? I would put a stop to that. I suspect he might just go out anyway but I would be removing anything that enabled it eg no allowance, no lifts, no access to SM, find and destroy his fake id
7. once you have control again, you need to look at how you can help your son to develop some empathy and respect for other humans especially girls and women. Otherwise you may one day find yourself hand-wringing as you drive to visit him in prison.

You are at an inflection point.

Will you continue to allow your son to be an amoral predator who uses his looks and charm to abuse women and girls?
Or will you take the necessary steps to stop him?

He is still so young. His brain is still plastic. Teach him to be a real (decent, gentle, respectful) man rather than the scumbag he is in danger of becoming.

It sounds like he didn't assault the girl but he did use her for sex when he had no intention of having a relationship with her. She probably then felt like she would not have consented if she had known. I think if you haven't already he needs a serious conversation about how that would have felt to her and perhaps he could write her an apology letter. There's a real concern here that he's seeing girls as objects and is something you need to keep a close eye on.

I personally wouldn't stop his hockey, which seems like the main healthy outlet for his energy/activity levels. In fact I would be thinking about whether doing more sports would help him, maybe something that also teaches respect and boundaries like Jiu-jitsu. I would remove access to money, lifts, the Internet and other privileges as consequences e.g. underage drinking = no pocket money for a month. I would pick my battles though - focus on safety and respect, let some more minor things go.

But you also need to treat him as if you do like him even if you don't feel it. Tell him you know he's a lovely person and he's made some choices that don't show that side of him recently but he can turn it around. He needs you to believe in him, he hasn't at this point done something so dreadful that there's no coming back from it.

Finally, had you thought about ADHD at all? It just seems like quite a high level of impulsivity, although you haven't really described focus or attention or executive function difficulties so maybe he's just naturally impulsive??

Cancel the hockey trip immediately. It's a privilege and a reward which he has not earned. Replace his phone with a simple one with parental controls, take it off him at night. Don't give him money or lifts except to and from school, every day. You talked about boarding school. Look into it for 6th form - boys only. Make sure his grandparents don't give him money because they feel sorry for him. Keep telling him you love him but put your foot down now, there is still time to help him grow up. Don't engage with his nonsense. Find your guns and stick to them. You can do this.

I raised 5 sons and have been regularly called out on MN for being unreasonable in dealing them. With that being said:

I would have him boarding so fast his head would spin.

If he is at home there would be no girls at the house, whether or not a parent is home. There would be absolutely no visits to his bedroom - open door or not.

All kids can be a**hole# at this age, but your son is in need of boundaries. I know how hard it is to be consistent with rules and/or consequences but that is your job as a parent.

Best of luck.

And I would for definite be cancelling the hockey trip. It’s not a punishment, it’s a consequence of him being a vile, entitled, abusive little shit!

Okay, but he hasn’t changed by 18 he’s unlikely to. So yes, OP has 3 years to turn this around.

OP, he sounds absolutely awful right now, but he is only 15 and there is still time to "save" him. I think he desperately needs boundaries. You can save him from becoming an arrogant, entitled, sexist man if you impose SEVERE consequences. This will be very hard for you, but you will be doing him a massive favour. I think you and your husband should stage an intervention. I think he needs weekly therapy in order to become a better person, and the therapist should work with him on issues like developing empathy. His attitude to girls needs looking at. And his continuance at public school should be contingent on attending this therapy. He needs to know that the way he is right now is not OK.

Fifteen can be a cross-roads for many kids. You need to yank him back under your control with some hard decisions now, or you will never get a hold of him. And you DO have control! You're funding his nice lifestyle. You just have to be willing to exercise that control. Give him conditions and dates by which to improve if he wishes to continue at his school. His upcoming trips should be contingent on his progress on becoming a better person.

One thing he needs to do is write a heartfelt letter apologising to that girl for leading her on when he wasn't actually interested in her as a person. No letter, no trip. And he also needs to apologise to anyone else he might have hurt in whatever way, male or female.

You are going to have to FORCE him into becoming a better person, OP. Do you care enough to do this very hard work? I hope so.