AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

@BrightPearlEagle sorry to hear you’re going through this. Kindly, he does sound a little bit spoiled. Private school, trips to America, and also a little bit arrogant with all the female attention. Life can feel so easy when you’re surrounded by wealthy people at private schools. I would suggest sending him to the local comprehensive right now and getting private tutors to keep his grades up. No trips to America. He can get a summer job. That should do it. Bank of mum and dad is gone until he behaves.

It sounds like you're reaching for consequences that would actually hit home, and as it happens there are some: taking away his trips to the US and other trips with his peers. "If you do/don't do <clearly defined action>, you will not be going to the US/going away with school/other desirable activity", then follow through. Yes, he will almost certainly violate whatever boundary you set, and yes, it will hit him hard - that is the whole point!

Hate to break it to you but in the school I work in, all children do GCSEs in yr10. It doesn’t make them bright, it’s just how it is these days.
Also, at what age did you start trying to parent your 15yo? In my opinion, you should really start parenting and setting boundaries when they are young, you are fighting a losing battle otherwise.

I’m sure someone has probably already said this, but he does seem very desperate for your love and attention. His behaviour is very attention seeking. Have you tried going the other way and absolutely smothering him with love? I don’t think you should send him away, do the opposite - take him for euro rail trip just you and him. He’s your son and the little kid is still inside there, nearer the surface than you might think.

getting private tutors to keep his grades up.

What?

I have a friend whose son was very similar as a teenager. It might make you feel better to hear that 15 years later he is a totally lovely man who has a wonderful relationship with his parents. He has apologised to his parents for the way he behaved. Ignore the people who talk about boundaries and consequences. So easy to talk the talk but almost impossible to parent someone who doesn’t allow you to parent. All you can do is try not to let the relationship break down totally. I wish you all the best and am confident you will emerge from these horrendous teenage years stronger together

YABVU to allow this little prince to behave like this.

1. He needs to be moved to a state school. Private school is a luxury for kids that can behave themselves.
2. He needs his access to the internet cut off except for homework. Phone gone. Computer in a communal area of the house.
3. He does NOT get to bring guests home, especially girls.

And state school is for children who can't?

@BrightPearlEagle

OP, might it still be possible to find him a place at a boarding school for September?

Would this one be suitable?

https://www.tasisengland.org/boarding

Take him out of private school and let him feel what it’s like to be a very small fish in a much bigger pond - maybe he’ll learn something, at least not to be so massively entitled. He sounds really angry and that he’s deliberately trying to upset you. Perhaps you need to think about the root cause of this and if it’s something you can work on with him - ie his terrible behaviour is likely to be a reaction to something.

Very unusual!My thought exactly. Just because the girls fancy him!

I don’t want to derail but am interested. If they all do GCSEs in Year 10 at your school, then I presume they would do A levels in Year 12. What then happens in Year 13? Or do they do A levels over three years?

Of course, if it was truly consensual. Not if he'd coerced or blackmailed her though.

What if she coerced or blackmailed him?

In that case, she should receive the same punishment as any boy who did the same.

I agree but I honestly don't think two 15 year olds having consensual sex should be punished. I know it's illegal but how do you punish them?

First of all take a breath. Look after yourselves to recuperate and then think with a wise head . How do you get the respect back ? Put the boundaries and consequences in . I think yes reconnect with him in a different way . He is being a testing teenager this is exactly what they’re supposed to do , however he’s being incredibly disrespectful so he needs to have boundaries put in for you to get the respect back . I’d have a look at the local youth hub to see what courses for parents they do such as things like who’s in charge

I’m fully expecting my kids to be arseholes as teenagers just the same I was an arsehole as a teenager. You’ve just got to get your head down and get on with it.

I’d insist no phones in the evening or in his room at night. You say he isn’t bothered about his phone, but have you checked what he’s looking at and how much time he’s spending online?

The school don’t want to get rid of the star sports man and Captain and county athlete? No well they are probably happy to have a child with all this potential. It makes me wonder why you aren’t super proud at his achievements and what you expect. Many teens are highly sexed - not a shocker to a teacher, challenging boundaries - very normal, managing good relationships with staff - usually a really good sign. Teachers can be surprised with parents who are aggressively challenging and back their child in any situation but less talked about is the surprise of finding parents whose reaction to ordinary criticisms is hostility or rejection. Reading your posts makes me feel like you are both seeing things so differently communication is very hard. You do sound like you see him as an unstoppable blight - it makes me wonder about your teen years and relationship with you parents. I do think you all ca be happier. A few years from now and it might feel very easy. One of mine was a challenging young man - absolutely beautiful adult though.

Yes this! That poor boy. He was banished to his grandparents house and couldn’t stop crying? And you didn’t believe him and were angry with him. He must have been terrified. And now he is frightened and angry and you are getting more frightened and angry and everything is spiralling. You need to be the bigger wiser stronger adults here. Reassure him that you love him and will keep him safe, that you care for him and value him, and of course part of all that is having boundaries and rules but part of it is listening to him and loving him. Spend some 1:1 time with him and tell him how proud of him you are.

As long as you take the time to explain in a calm and clear manner why you're asking for space, it will be fine. Think how you will want him to remember the conversation later in life when he is hopefully, more reasonable.

Maybe write him a letter too especially while he is away and see if his grandparents will read it to him to be certain he's read it.

Just like foreign holidays are not in reach of all children but absolutely should not be provided to spoilt, entitled brats, private school is a luxury not open to everyone but certainly should not be provided in this case.

A luxury 😂

In the eyes of the law if the girls are under 16 he shouldn't be doing it full stop anyway, he's not of legal age himself

Ok @BrightPearlEagle I have 2 kids my little girl was 5 yesterday and my son is 18 in September. My son was an absolute angel till he hit teen years and the age you're in now is so so tough. I was told they sway but eventually come back to you, my boy is 70% ish being back to normal now.

However that being said, he's doing what he's doing because he knows he can. Get Google family app on his phone and sent limits you can lock it ect. Don't pay his phone bill or give him any money, it sounds like he enjoys his sports use that! He's banned from sports, he's not going to america and he's absolutely not having girls round.

Does he like wearing nice clothes and trainers? If so go asda get him the cheapest trainers and clothes he's wearing them till he learns. You're not his friend you're his mother and your job is to bring him up as a decent adult. If you both struggle are your parents capable of controlling him?

Ring 101 non emergency police and explain what's going on and tell them you want them out to speak to him, see if that scares him into thinking twice, id be begging for him to be locked up a night to scare the crap out of him just to knock him down a peg or two.

I'm absolutely disgusted that he's that disrespectful to be bringing girls round like that and being so open about what he's doing. Never mind the fact the girls parents either dont know or don't care, he's going to catch something and spread it.

There has to be consequences to actions, especially the disturbing behaviour around girls