AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Oh OP this sounds horrendous. I have similar age sons who can be a nightmare but thankfully no sex/girls. I really do feel for you. You must be desperate. I don’t know what the solution is.

Is your son year 10? Hopefully GCSE year will force him to concentrate. However, you’ve still got a 9/10 week summer.

Whilst the US trip will give you a much needed break, might it put him at risk if his behaviour continues there? sending hugs.

I grew up around boys like this - academic, goodlooking, arrogant and promiscuous. I don’t think this is a phase, it’s just who he is. I recognise everything including the obsession some girls in surrounding schools have for them. The ‘gropies’ we called them.

His school isn’t helping - some independent schools enable this bollocks as they’re all about the glory of the school. If he gets good results and wins matches they don’t give a toot about anything else. The kind that gets a bad rap on everyonesinvited.com

Given your stress levels, personally I would send him to boarding school. If you can’t afford the astronomical private fees there are some state boarding schools.
That way you and the other kids get a break and the teachers can deal with him.

Absolutely no way would he be going to US for hockey. He has only just avoided a criminal investigation.

@Dobeebeedah He will also mix with girls and learn they are not objects for sexual gratification

Am I missing something here?

The girls are going back to us house.

They are participants in his behaviour. They aren't victims, they are co-participants. They are endorsing and validating what he does.

This.

As a retired psychotherapist who worked a lot with adolescents I don't think you should send him to your parents.

Children, even horrible teenagers, need to know they have a place they belong. To send him away because his behaviour is awful is telling that him he doesn't belong in your family and that your love for him is conditional. That's not going to make him behave better.

You and DH have created this awful child by not enforcing stricter boundaries when he was younger and now. It is not reasonable to now reject him and pass the problem on to his grandparents.

You know what matters to him, money, popularity and hockey. You need to use these as leverage to to influence his behaviour. How popular will he be if he's not allowed out and has no social media and no money.

Oh yes, I'm always out there, hiding behind lamp posts and reading newspapers in cafes with cut-outs for the eyes!!

The fact that she called him so much after he got what he wanted and then ignored her is that under 16s are not mature enough to have sex. She could not handle being treated that way at her age. Hell, most grown women can't handle being used for sex!

All these under-16s having sex should all be made to do community service and get a criminal record, imo. You can't stop all under-16 sex, but you can stamp much of it out. The boys benefit while the girls get into a right state when the boys treat them like this, and also take on the risk of pregnancy and STDs, since it's easier for girls to catch them than boys.

I think the age of consent should be 18, anyway, like it is in much of the world. Under 18 is crazy to be exposing yourself to all the negative physical and emotional consequences that can come with sex. Not that this helps here, I know.

OP if we accept that he didn’t assault the girl - and you are all happy with that evidence then you need to make it clear to him that you needed the truth to be out to protect him. He does need to know that you love him and that you are there for him. He needs more responsibility not less - responsibility for your feelings and girls’ feelings too. He needs more connection and more fun. He needs more love. Take him some places to do things he will enjoy and get him to chat in the car. Praise him for any small kindnesses and as you reconnect draw the big lines firmly.

I lived with my boyfriend at his age. It was glorious - lots of sex and crazy nights and fun days. There was plenty of drink and boys. I got great grades and went to uni etc - actually I was awful to some boys retrospectively- really upset them. I grew up and they did too. If he isn’t pressurising girls into actions they can want sex too. It’s a mess but not an extreme one. A drift to the manosphere is horrid but keep the conversation open. talk about the trip. I wouldn’t ban it unless you knew you wanted too. He is too old for endless sanctions - work with him like a young adult and see if you can renegotiate your relationship as that is what he needs. He can come back closer and you can both be happier - might not be manageable for a while but it is your goal.

Breaking the cycle of conflict, sharing things you like and enjoy whether food or film or a joke, being kind and calm but authoritative while working to disarm any escalation will work. It will be better you you all and the girls in the long term. Going away - boarding - they just make it worse although a short trip to grandparents as a nice thing with a shared cake after and a shared look at some old family pics or sharing some cute memories - they are the foundations of building him back up.

I'm not saying your son is a dog but biologically speaking he's doing what my dog is doing and tomorrow he's getting a hormonal implant to reduce his sex drive so he doesn't get our youngest dog pregnant - we do want to breed them but no t for another year.

Your son has already been accused of assault - presumably sexual assault vs physical assault. If he isn't careful, hell end up behind bars.

Have you actually sat him down, maybe with some in authority, like a police officer or PSCO or even his head teacher and explained this to him? Girls might find hm attractive but no girl wants anyone's hands or whatever where they don't want them.

It doesn't sound like he's spoilt it sounds like his hormones have kicked in and he's taking the opportunity to get as much out of girls who have their heads full of love. He won't be the first or the last, but he def needs to reign it in - I rember lads like this in my school, but then we didn't have the likes of Andrew Tate poisoning our minds....

It sounds as though he’s going through a lot of changes. He remains a successful student, very sporty, popular at school, especially with the girls. And he’s still only 15. He’s not the co-operative boy he used to be.
He sounds troubled - bombarded by all sorts of influences, and then there are the hormones.
l hesitate to say this as I think I’ll be in a minority of one, but my only advice is to calm down and not to “send” him to his grandparents. Ask him if he’d like to stay with them for a short break. Now is not the time to make him feel alienated.Treat him like the adult he’s fast (too fast) on the way to becoming. Don’t deprive him of the things he’s good at and has to look forward to.
You’ve heard your son’s, and the girl’s explanations about the incident between them, you’ve seen the texts. Put it aside for now and see how things develop in respect of girls, but lay down some rules about girls coming to your house.

Parenting doesn’t have to mean punishment and domination. Let him know you still support him and see the many good things about him, while keeping a watchful eye on his attitude towards girls and his use of social media.

Sending them away and not wanting to look at them is not normally "nurturing".

So the girls would be punished too?

With all due respect he’s past the age where being grounded is enforceable. He may be 6 ft already. They can cut off his money but he will always need some to get around and he may just start nicking it.

He sure as hell ain’t his gps problem.

The message: we love you but we don’t want to live with you until you stop being a cunt - is optimal imo. It will be the first time he’s actually had consequences that impact his life.

If school are supporting, take the hockey tour away.
Or have a serious chat about actions and consequences, and what he needs to do to remain on the hockey tour trip!

TBH with the behaviour described here, I'm surprised the school are still willing to take him abroad!

Lots of people are suggesting consequences that are difficult to enforce. IME if you have a child that cooperates with being grounded or hands over their phone, you have a manageable problem. I have two DS and the most useful advice I was given was to only impose consequences I had control over. I couldn’t stop DS1 leaving the house but I could refuse to give him money. I could not give him lifts. Etc.

Do you think that there’s possibly too much pressure on him academically? He’s bright and a high achiever already sat some exams at 15, popular, good at sports etc is this too much for a 15 year old to maintain?
sometimes kids just need to ‘kid’
parenting this age group is sooooo bloody hard, they want more relaxed rules and think they know it all, and we have to start loosening the grip but we don’t want them to make mistakes, even though that’s how they learn.
my concerns here would be about his treatment of girls and that you’ve said he’s good at manipulating people, these are worrying traits.
i also worry that because of his high achievements academically that school are being quite lenient on him, how is he still going on a hockey trip to USA with all this bad behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think he needs to be going to therapy with you to get to the bottom of this. I would say if you don’t go to therapy then no US trip. Tbf the US trip might do him some good and take the heat off the whole family. However, he would need some strict rules from his teachers on behaviour. I wonder if he had been watching some of this manosphere stuff on social media, the likes of Andrew Tate etc and got ideas. Did he seem remorseful after the accusation. He is underage to be having sex, and having sex with girls who are underage, which is an offence in itself, regardless of the accusation. I think therapy would be a safe space to talk about this and see how self aware he is, or if he understands.

‘He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.’

He’s punishing you. You fucked up when you didn’t believe him over the girl and the ‘assault’. Say sorry, treat him like an adult. It doesn’t really sound like he’s doing anything wrong? He’s achieving at school and likes the company of consenting girls. Are you just putting boundaries there for the sake? Have you adjusted your parenting as he is nearly an adult?

Ask him what he thinks will repair the relationship. Don’t take his phone off him or stop his sports trips…I would just think my parents were dicks for doing that.

If he was my son he wouldnt be going for 2 weeks with the hockey team until he improved his behaviour.

Therapy? He doesn’t need therapy to understand that he is being a twat, exposing himself to knobrot / HIV, potentially opening himself up to having a police record and pissing you, your husband and the rest of the family off. He needs to calm down, stop pestering girls, be respectful and talk less. Therapy my arse.

15 is the worst, I promise you.

Just keep saying all the things you are saying. You may think he isn’t listening but he is. He knows right from wrong. He's just choosing to ignore it.

There’s no point in being punative. It won’t work any more. It will just become a war which he will win because he’s smart and he’s got nothing to do except think about how he’s going to win.

I think you need to engage him in what he needs to do to show he’s an adult.

i wondered if you had considered moving him to a girls 6th form. Many of them are mixed. He might learn more respect away from his male majority cohort and engaging on a more every day, meaningful basis with girls . Some of whom will be every bit as smart as him.

So let me get this right - hes accused of something horrible. And your response was to ignore his crying and attempts to prove his innocence, send him to his DGPs because you didnt want him in the house, and report it to the police even though she hadnt?

This is the problem, you seem to either ignore his behaviour or shut him out.

Let me be clear, a girl or woman who alleges rape or assult needs to be treated as though she is being truthful and her expereince valid. But with no further information - you were happy to believe the worst of him. And take no responsibility for helping him take accountability for his actions.

I suspect he feels unloved and behaves like this for the attention. These girls want him and to you he was and is a disappointment you cant look at and leave him crying at his nanas.

I think you need to get the grandparents to mediate. To get him to that therapy to make stuff better for him, whilst also saying to him consequences have to matter - so if we cant all calm down and work together now there will be impacts to hockey if he cant be trusted to behave appropriately. He cant be behaving like this but he also needs to feel supported even when its fixing a mistake or bad choice he makes. This acquisition needs to be a huge wake up call for you all.

The consequence was he wasnt welcome at home. His DM couldnt look at him. And didnt even listen to his explanation until the girl backtracked.

I know you say hes loved unconditionally, but does he feel that when hes sent away?

Quite.

In any case, a 15 year old boy is not likely to agree to therapy. And he cant be forced to engage.

Why are you letting him go on and presumably pay for this hockey trip if this is how he's behaving ?

I'd be more concerned about multiple pregnancies heading his way.