AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

You didn't want him in the house? Your own son?

OP you previously said ‘he assaulted someone’ not ‘he was accused of assaulting someone’. You also said he ‘has a different girl in the house every night’ then said you weren’t letting them in. Someone is being a bit disingenuous here.

Personally there is no way the USA hockey trip would be going ahead without some serious behavioural changes.

Why are you allowing him to bring a new girl into the house every day? Send them home. I get the impression you aren’t asserting boundaries enough and he’s not feeling the consequences of his poor behaviour.

@BrightPearlEagle i’m sorry you’re going through this but it can get better for all of you. I don’t have time to write a lot, but I’m a clinical psychologist and I would suggest that you might want to see if someone (a private family therapist, clinical psychologist or CAMHs) can support you and your husband in implementing a nonviolent resistance approach in your household. Have a Google and see what you think, but many parents and young people going through this sort of thing find it very helpful.

OP has explained that he did not assault her. She explained very fully. Click on ‘read all’ for her posts.

So there's nothing to stop a 15-year-old from coercing another 15-year-old?

Don’t blame OP for feeling like that!

You’re obviously at the end of your tether with this boy and probably looking forward to two weeks when he’s away . But he absolutely shouldn’t go to the US. How can you trust him? You absolutely can’t. You are passing the problem to someone else and it’s not respectful to do that. Respect is the core here, he has no respect for anyone so where was that essential life lesson from you and his dad? Missing. Ban him from the school trip, there will be a substitute player and that way you are showing respect for his school and his team mates. Woman up. Otherwise he’ll go through life as someone who is unlikeable and nobody wants that for their child.

So there's no legal protection for 15-year-old girls who are being coerced into sex by 15-year-old boys. If there were actual consequences, girls would be pressured a lot less.

It's terrible that there is no protection for girls under 16 being pressured, coerced, blackmailed, what have you into sex, as long as the boy is under 16. The only way to protect girls, imo, is to make anyone who has sex under 16 be punished with community service and a criminal record. Then we would have far fewer girls being pressured for sex. It seems like they are currently not protected, which is wrong. Early sex is really bad for girls, as it's very upsetting if a boy isn't nice to you after you've let him into your body, as I'm sure many of these boys aren't. It's bad for girls' mental health and also exposes them to teenage pregnancy and STDs.

I cannot believe that kids have sex so young these days. It was all 17/18 in my day for first sex. It's a disgrace; they are children and the law should be deterring them to protect the party who's far more likely to suffer from it - girls.

The son is a spoilt brat. He’s from a privileged background and I imagine he’s been given pretty much everything he wants.

Throw in teenage hormones and here we have a young man who defies his parents, treats girls like they are a commodity (I’m past the false allegation story) and does what he likes with very few consequences.

Once parents realise this is a problem and start to push back, it isn’t working. He also seems very manipulative as he’s choosing to behave well at hockey practice and school but not at home.

This is something I’ve seen a lot of times in both state and privately educated kids. I wouldn’t move his school but I’d be asking someone from pastoral to work closely with him.

My best advice is sit him down and go through the consequences he will face for poor behaviour and then mean it. OP and her DH are going to have to work seriously hard with this as he simply doesn’t believe they won’t back down so he will push back more and more.

Forget the dual nationality thing, he isn’t going to the US for the hockey tour. Tough.
He can go back to grandparents (if they want him) and he can do volunteering over the summer.

He sounds arrogant, entitled and quite unpleasant. He needs proper parenting. This tough love needs to happen.

I think he does need time with his parents to try to rebuild the relationship but firstly, he needs to understand that there are consequences for all of his bad behaviours.

He is 15. She raised him. She's doing the same again. Sending him away? He seems to be seen as something to disgard when he's playing up.

Not a clinical psychologist but also trained in Psychology and completely agree with this response and was going to suggest the technique.

With kids like this the usual tactics will not work. He is at that difficult age and on a fast-track path to hedonism and narcissism, as many people are in late teens / early 20s. That being said, his behaviour is completely
unacceptable. It is going to be hard to work through, as you have clearly tolerated it for so long.

Think of some ground rules to set in stone (number 1 being no girls in the house, ever). As suggested, Google the non-violence resistance approach and try to get a family therapist to work through this with you. You could start now with the basics (as is available on Google).

Do not argue, do not shout. Be the adult, be the parent. Don't tolerate it. I fear sending him off to grandparents is just deferring the problem and showing him you can't handle him which will make him feel in control, in essence. That being said, if you really need the mental break, it could give you some time to think about how best to implement this technique and have some respite before dealing with him again. Do what is best for you and your family. Good luck

Unkind and unnecessary post.
OP is asking for support in a state of despair.
Chilldren can be brought up well and loved and nurtured and it can still go wrong.

Start parenting your child! He has no phone, no money, no computer (other than school work) no TV, no friends round until he learns to behave! You need to get a grip and stop with the oh poor me and start parenting him Put in strict rules immediately or it’s only going to get 100 times worse! You sound extremely weak, give yourself a shake and remember you are the adult here

Watch Adolescence on Netflix and face up
to what the consequences could be if you don’t seriously start to address this attitude that he has towards girls

The reason that poor girl called this boy 50 times is because he upset her by doing the pump and dump. And if he's actually answered the bloody phone, she wouldn't have had to keep calling him.

The kid in Adolescence is completely different to what the OP describes - an unpopular, bullied or invisible INCEL-type boy who craves girls' attention but is just laughed at by them. The OP describes a very popular, outgoing boy who has no shortage of female admirers.

I also want to address one point that has come up repeatedly as everyone seems to think we should send our son to state school as punishment or consequence. We do not see state schools as a punishment or a "lesson". I am not against state schools at all. I think it is quite sad that some people think it’s a punishment. What about children who have to attend state school.

I don’t think anyone is putting state schools down, I know maybe a dozen people who were privately educated against 1000s of state educated. I went to a state school and so do my children. People are suggesting state schools because he won’t be pandered to there, he would absolutely face consequences either from the school or the other kids who won’t think he’s the bees knees like he thinks of himself.

im very sceptical of the crying and wanting a hug when it all blew up, was he crying because he knew his misogynistic behaviour helped cause it all or because he felt sorry for himself? If the former I’d see that as a massive improvement that he dose understand consequences, if the latter it’s just another thing to dislike about his behaviour.

@sesquipedalian Tell him it’s completely unacceptable to lead girls on

How on earth is this "leading girls on"? If I visit a woman at her house, is she "leading me on"?

Regardless, the son is indeed horrible for the way he is acting towards the girls at his school. But they are equally bad for indulging and validating his behaviour.

I would try for either you or your husband to be at home when he gets home from school and not allow the girls in. He's on thin ice there.
Apologies if I have missed a reason that this isn't possible.

I agree State school is not a punishment, it is a better view of the whole population and not the privileged few. He will find it difficult to integrate and accept other lifestyles if he stays where he is. He will also mix with girls and learn they are not objects for sexual gratification.

I haven't read the full thread but I have read your replies and I can absolutely sympathise with you OP.

We did allow our DS to stay with my mum and it was the worst thing we done. She had no boundaries, no consequences and let him rule the roost because in her eyes he could fo no wrong and he was a master manipulator. Until the shit hit the fan and she couldn't cope with him either.

We used to have the school on the phone every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. He was involved in all sorts and even after he left school, up to his neck in stupid choices. Social work, police, school. It was never ending.

This went on between starting academy and turning 17!

Its so difficult because we were trying to work, be good parents to him and his younger sister.

He just didn't get it, thought the rules didnt apply.

I actually wrote a lengthy post on here about it at the time. I got a hard time for it.

What I will say is, we got through it and he's 19 now, hes working and driving but we had to let him hit rock bottom with serious consequences before it finally struck a nerve that it was time to grow up and get a grip.

I don't have the answer but I'm sending you strength and love. Xx

Spoken like a true stalker…

Agree, and he would probably be forced to behave better towards girls.

But the law doesn't say that adults mustn't have sex with under-16s, does it? (I appreciate that that's an effect, of course.) It says that sex under 16 is illegal. So presumably it's meant to protect children from being pressured, coerced, or groomed by other children, too? But apparently there's no punishment for a 15-year-old who pressures a 13- or 14-year-old into sex. Super.