AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

So he sexually assaulted a girl but you are still allowing him a different girl every in your home,.this is serious stuff,.stop giving him any money full stop and no females in the house not even friends

I wasn’t suggesting state school as a punishment, my kids and I all went to one! I do think it may help ground him, though.

That was my thought hes watching a lot of porn and probably extreme porn

What a leap!

I'm going against the grain here...

I would forget about punishment right now and work on understanding him. Hopefully you have a decent parent worker in your therapist who can help with this too. From what you've written he's extremely capable at all aspects of life. He's acedemic, he's charismatic, he's good at sports, he's socially able. He must find life pretty easy. He doesn't sound like he has any struggles or difficulties to contend with except for his relationship with you and his dad. He has utter and total contempt for you both. Does he see you as "less than"? Since he sees life as such a breeze, your rules and expectations must seem petty and unimportant. He's succeeding brilliantly without needing to listen to you, so what is the point of paying any attention to you?

My advice would be to make his life harder. Not as a punishment, don't frame it that way. He sounds like he needs challenging, needs stretching. It will also be great for his long term success in life. Stop doing things for him in the home - laundry, cooking, organising his life in any way. Let him do it or not, and allow him to fail. Try to get him to do some physical challenge, DofE or three peaks or something. Encourage him to get a job or volunteer. Or learn a new language, or an instrument.

Tbh if she called him 50 times that meant he wasn't answering and she was spiralling, perhaps it had been her first sexual encounter? Either way to have aex with a boy then he doesn't contact and refuses contact is horrendous for a teenage girl I'd imagine, and then blocking her must have felt dreadful too. I'm sure some will day he's young so isn't equipped with the maturity to recognise that side of relationships, but if so he shouldn't be having sex then.

He sounds like if something isn't done he will grow into a man with no respect for anything but himself and his own wants. I don't blame you for being at your wits end. Can you not do something like withdraw him from hockey or refuse the us trip? Obviously that's huge but it's clearly a consequence he cares about.

How handling him like a cow will help??

I think you need to take the emotion out of this. It will be hard but it is not helping. You and DH are the grown ups and you need to reestablish boundaries and stop feeding into the drama.
First the good things. He is doing well academically. His teachers like him. He is sporty and has been given the responsibility of captaining his team. He is not addicted to his phone. His grandparents adore him. These are all positives and reasons to be proud of him. He was extremely upset when he was accused of assault. He cried constantly and showed genuine upset.
But… he is arrogant, rude, reckless, out of control. He is a minor and he is having sex with multiple minors. He’s on dangerous ground. He has two younger siblings who will be affected by this. You are exhausted and at the end of you tether.
You need consistency. You need to take all the drama and upset out of this. You need clear channels of communication. Take a step back from the high expressed emotion. You and DH need to be in complete agreement. And then you need to follow through. Every. Single. Time.
Do not send him away. Even to grandparents. Do not threaten him with boarding. That would be a huge mistake. He will see it as rejection. Pick your battles. The most important thing is the sex. He could get into real trouble and it sounds as if he almost did. This frightened him. Lean into that. I suspect that what happened is that you blew up and did not get both sides of the story before rushing to judgment and sending him away. Then when the girl retracted the story ( and who knows what pressure he and his mates put on her) you were relieved. In fact the issue is serious whether or not she was assaulted; she was clearly under age and not able to cope with the emotional burden of the relationship. She may have felt coerced into it at some level even if she consented. It sounds as if he used her and cast her aside. She may be very damaged by this. I would be saying a hard no to underage sex and girls in the house. You might say he won’t listen. He won’t comply. But I would be making it abundantly clear that it won’t be tolerated.
I’d be doing a hard reset on the relationship. Basically, you need to really toughen up. You are the CEO of this family and you or your husband have to take control. I’d explain to him that going forward things are going to be different. He doesn’t have to like you or engage with you (you don’t like him, after all) but while he is living in the house certain rules will be enforced and a level of civility on both sides will be expected.
I’d be leaning into his needs and wants, his aspirations and future plans. Be as helpful and as accommodating on the positives as you can. Come down hard on the negative aspects of his behaviour. Ensure he knows you love him but you won’t tolerate the behaviour. Ignore the minor slights. You have to find a way to live with him for the next three years. He is deeply, deeply immature. Whatever he says about his phone, I don’t believe him. I’d be unplugging the router 10pm every night and ensuring his phone plan does not give unlimited data. Does he have another secret phone?
The all-boys school sounds like a deeply toxic environment for him and I bet he is at the centre of a group of noxious boys. I’d be looking to move him to a coed school. I suspect he has hero status at school. But deep down he may not like himself or be proud of himself. You will get through these next three years. You need to let him know he will not break you. Then detach emotionally and parent practically. You are not the first to have gone through this and you won’t be the last. If your DH is better at dealing with this than you are, step back, take more responsibility for the younger ones and let your DH take the lead with eldest son. Make sure you back him up on every decision. Start reframing the relationship now, if only in your head. Good luck OP.

I went to stay with extended family as a teen. It worked really well for me because I was respected and valued by the people I were staying with. I was involved in cooking and cleaning there, they were interested in my day and I was greeted with a smile. All my anger disappeared after moving away from parents who were completely disinterested and only spoke to me to criticise me.
I think it would be a good idea to send him, it will give you all time to reflect on where it all went wrong whilst you're out of the constant fight mode.

I went to a shitty comp and there was actually a guy in my year whose parents did this. I don’t know if it was great parenting but he definitely got taken down a peg or two. Genuinely no idea where he is now though so I can’t say if it’s a good idea.

Would he be likely to accept boundaries from them? If not and the behaviour will continue regardless of where he is, then it's not going to be fair on them really. However, if they can make him see sense it might be worth a try for everybody's sake

What is she is supposed to do to not show victimhood? This is her son, her child and she is worried, scared and all that

Ok, so is it all about girls and sleeping around? Where is your husband in all this? He has to start mentoring him. Apparently if he is achieving academically and plays so much sport, he sleeps well, eats well, studies well and all this....don't lump it all in one pile

Ok so he’s the king of his small world. So change the world. You don’t need the school to kick him out. You can move him to another school.

You say he doesn’t care about electronics or things. Cool. Strip them all. Take everything from his room except bedding and clothes. Remove the phone entirely.

Assuming he’s totally financially dependent on you, being ignorant and troublesome isn’t how you get spending money, there’s bread in the cupboard make yourself a packed lunch.

Girl comes in the door. ‘Awk hiya Gemma good to see you again, oh wait you’re not Gemma. What happened Gemma? Did you break up with her sure she was only here yesterday?’ Start embarrassing the life out of him.

You are an adult, trying to rationalise with a child’s underdeveloped brain who thinks he knows best. Stop trying to communicate and rationalise. Parent.

He’s a smart kid. He will manipulate you as long as you let him. But I bet if you really did go hard on all of the above, he would soon change his tune. Also tell him he’s no longer going on the family holiday due to his abysmal behaviour and will be staying with your parents during this period. Without any tech. Go and enjoy the holiday with the other two boys. He’ll soon learn he needs to engage in family life if he wants the nicer parts of it.

Buy him a ticket to Australia, give him 2k and tell him to have an amazing time. He’ll bum around Byron bay and sort hîmself out on his terms and he’s out your hair.

He is almost gone out of her hair, she simply does not see it.

This.

But….

it’s all easier said than done so good luck OP. X

He's playing 'cock of the north' ( pardon the pun) everybody loves him, he's bright, attractive, athletic, his ego is probably the size of the planet. I feel so sorry for you, he needs a short sharp shock to humble him, but what that is I don't know. Maybe in the US he will meet lads who are his equal and that might bring him down a bit

"Stick him the local comprehensive school" as a punishment? Maybe if he had been there to begin with he would have better morals.

He definitely has it too easy. Been too accommodated for. Id have fun reigning all that in if he was my son! Let’s see how you like it now you’ve had a taste of the real world you lil prick! That sounds harsh but I would much rather that than him end up on a sex offenders register. Sleeping with multiple girls and already one accusation is shaky ground. He would be getting a dose of reality for his own good.

How old are your parents? How are they supposed to control him if you can't?

You must’ve in cuckoo land if you think that 15/16 year olds don’t have sex. Sorry to burst your bubble but they do. Trying to stop them makes it worse. Being open about protection and supportive, informing them of risks, consent and respect is better than trying to make sex out to be an evil sin!

I’ve literally never heard of a 15 year old boy bringing a different girl every day into the family home, while his parents look meekly on.
Precious little parenting going on there.

@ExasperatedIs

Most 15 year olds haven’t got that many notches on the bed post though, even if they have had sex.

It sounds like he’s already doing anti social behaviour.

If he behaves like he does here in America, he could find himself in some real trouble.