AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Could you try to reframe it in your mind? Concentrate on it being lucky he's doing this at 15 when you can still fully parent him, rather than at 18 or 19 where you're more limited to just cutting financial help.

He can't do anything with (or to) girls if he's stuck in the house. Ground him. If he's rude or unpleasant in common areas, send him to his room. Remove electronics and suggest he does schoolwork or reads a book. Otherwise he can sit and stare at the ceiling. Stop any spending money until his behaviour improves. Don't allow him to have any friends in the house.

If he gets angry, remain calm and refuse to engage in debates. Go back to how you'd handle a tantrum with a little kid.

There's very little trouble he can cause if he's stuck at home or school at all times 🤷‍♀️

Typical private school educated child, rude and obnoxious i have yes to see a child that comes out of a private school that doesn't behave badly,look down their nose at people or just be down right pompous.
He's already in the private school system, cant he board, they won't stand for his nonsense.
All that said about private schools,you as parents have obviously taught him not manners and how to behave accordingly from a young boy.
Create a monster it needs feeding!

I'd be very wary of letting him go the the US this summer. Despite only being 15 himself, if he has sex with 15 year old girls he could find himself on a statutory rape charge because underage girls cannot give consent. The law is vague and depends on the state but he could be looking at serious jail time.

1. He sounds completely out of control and in particular his sexual behaviour is a huge red flag at 15. You said he was well behaved and lovely as a child. You need to ask yourself why and when that changed. A child who engages in wildly attention-seeking behaviour is a child who needs attention. I would put money on the fact that he suffered a sexual assault himself. You need skilled psychological help, not just counselling.
2. You seem to have assumed that the girl's retraction is more reliable than her accusation. Why is that? I would think the opposite is more likely to be true, particularly since you already know he is sexually incontinent. This needs revisiting and she needs to feel safe to tell the whole unvarnished story.
3. You are playing with fire letting a child this out of control go to the US on a school jolly. If he carries on as he is, especially given that he seems desperate to get a reaction out of you, your family trip to meet up with him may end up being in a law enforcement setting. At 15, you have a window of opportunity to sort this out before you lose him forever. The US trip could be the tipping point and not in a good way.
4. Don't rely on guidance or input from his school. Private schools with elite concerns are known for their preference to brush this sort of thing under the carpet. You need to take it seriously, get expert input, and take the lead in working out what the fuck is going on in his head.
5. You need to protect your other children. God only knows what they're learning from all this.

I’m going against the grain here but don’t stop him going on the hockey trip. It’ll make his behaviour worse and he will hate you for it.

Sounds really hard OP but you can’t discipline a teenager without a pre-existing connection. You need to rebuild your connection with him again and he needs to get some grounding - he sounds like a privileged child who has never had deeper values instilled and has learnt to therefore value superficial and external success that seem to come easily to him.

It really stuck out to me that in his worst moment, you sent him away rather than standing with him hand in hand to face the consequences together. What does that say to him about the conditionality of your love? Being there for your child is not the same as condoning their behaviour.

I would allow him to earn the right to go on the US trip. And use that to introduce things that will help you as parents connect to him again whilst also providing him a perspective of how privileged he is and potential to develop empathy (I.e. volunteering at a homeless shelter, foodbank, youth club, taking the lead on organising a family camping trip, taking his younger brothers out to their favourite activity)- basically activities that do not benefit him directly but require him to do something for others and show empathetic leadership.

If hockey is the only thing he cares about- stop him going. Take his passport away. He’s 15- he needs permission to go abroad.

You need to be serious now. He’s going to hurt someone .

Can you imagine if this was a reverse re the girl. OP: my DD is promiscuous, all the boys call over for a quick shag, she throws herself at everyone, she doesn't care. One boy decided he was in love with her and didn't want her to be with anyone else. He started harassing her and when she told us we didn't believe her cos she is such a little slut. He spread lies about her making very serious allegations. MN: yeah dirty little slag. She should apologise to that boy for making him think it was love.

I think it would be counter-productive to a child who is already out of control to take away a sport that provides him with identity, stability, routine, structure, physical activity, team work and community.

The child will spiral to fill the void - I have known many boys turn to recreational drugs and anti-social behaviour after injury forced them to stop doing a sport they love.

Op, I'm sorry you are struggling. These are just my 'deductions' - see what you think:

He is watching toxic masculinity content. I'm pretty sure of that. He may be doing more than watching - he might be really sucked in. Don't just confiscate his phone, check it!

He is lacking in strong female role models. You are being, frankly, a bit of a drip. Without having women he respects pulling him up on his awful behaviour, he is not going to grow a healthy respect for women. Does he have any strong female relatives or friends?

What is he messaging to girls and his mates? I am not a fan of checking my DC phones but when someone is accused of assault, and has shown themselves to be unworthy of privacy - you check. Presumably you pay for the phone anyway... I think you really need to get a grip on what's going on behind the scenes.

Blaming yourself is a waste of time. Your parenting will have contributed to this, but we are where we are. Time to stand strong and be united with your DH. Your thread is full of 'we don't know what to do...' and that's not helping anyone. Stop dithering and agree some starting points. These don't have to just be punishments, but they need to be constructive, agreed by both his parents and activated, no ifs, no buts. Maybe start with family counselling / getting involved in charities and places that support challenging teens - Young Minds for example.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/challenging-behaviour/?gadsource=1&gadcampaignid=22800834165&gbraid=0AAAAADk6C8fxgS0gUIHfuhQoOmvsAchR&gclid=CjwKCAjwmJjSBhB-EiwAkZgxi9WMhjYhTnlzoaHQxewL0rsjZ1Er5LxF1CQEqGCCZXePmq1SeVb4xoCQmgQAvDBwE

Stop beating yourself up - which achieves nothing, and start parenting. It's exhausitng and daunting but it's what your DS needs.

You introduced the topic very definitely as he sexually assaulted a girl.
You didn't say accused. Comes across as In your mind, he's still immediately guilty although it turns out the accusation has been withdrawn, there's evidence he was being harassed and in her own words the accusation was for revenge, and that he was crying all day because no one believed him.

From his POV, you didn't believe him or stand by him. In fact you were encouraging the girl's parents (who didn't want to file charges and effectively said their DD was making it up) to report your son to the police. That sounds like letting other people discipline him (same as sending him to boarding school) which is on the verge of washing your hands of it all.

The current situation isn't working so how can you do things differently?
There is an awful lot of the "spare the rod and spoil the child" style urgings on this thread, many of these suggestions seem like passing the buck to me. Haven't we learnt better firm but fair ways of dealing with children in modern times?

From his POV, he's doing well at school, captain of the hockey team, very popular with teachers (which you ascribe to him being clever at manipulating them) and pupils.. he probably thinks he's doing great. And to be in that position does involve hard work and effort from him, to be so active in a team does involve quite a lot of self discipline and self focus... so he is capable of that. I don't think ripping him out of school where he's settled and doing well academically and socially - is addressing the problem. Yes its punishment which people seem to love the idea of but I think its just moving the problem on again and its not a magical solution, just transferring it to another location.

You also said that "everybody knows" how hard you've tried. Why does everybody know? Because you are busy telling everybody that he's uncontrollable, you've tried everything? which is a bit like trying absolving yourself of any percieved guilt and blaming everything on him. Does he know that everybody knows what a problem he is?

I'm also confused by the turning up with a different girl to the house every two days bit. Is'nt it a good idea that you get to meet these friends so that you can get to know his friends and keep an eye on things? I'd rather that than let them wander off to places and people unknown. But that was followed by you saying that they weren't allowed in the house. Did you tell them in front of him why you wouldn't let them in the house? I can see that as being very embarrassing for a teen. Is it all his friends or just friends who are girls? It's hard to understand why he keeps bringing a different girl every two days if he knows that you are going to chuck them out is it really as frequent as that?

A break for all of you at a grandparents who you say are very loving towards him, might be a good idea if its actually likely they can calm everything down.

I think you need to consider not just having a stern talk with him, but actually how you've been communicating with him to date. It strikes me as a prioirty to get him talking to find out what's driving this behaviour.
Firstly, you need to reassure him that you won't go blabbing all the problems you have with him to "everyone" otherwise he will clam up and refuse to discuss anything.
That means...

• if you have a talk, don't have an overbearing two against one telling off talk.
• Dont drop him off at GPs and in his hearing give them a list of complaints about him.
• No other DCs who can overhear and he needs to trust that this is not going to be discussed by all and sundry.
• Take him out of the house to a neutral place no distractions, a pizza or something.

There's a lot going on in his life and start asking him,

• how does he see things, what solutions does he have?
• What would he do if he was a parent? make him think about it.
• Its very hard to take in what an angry or guilt making person is really saying, so try to keep a check on that.
• Once you have got him talking, you can start finding a way to move forward. Don't expect it all to work the first time. But don't give up either.

If the whole SA incident, real or not, is worrying you.. instead of you both telling him off, do you have a friendly solicitor or similar who could explain to him what the consequences could be...I think that would have far more effect. A pp up the thread had a list of places that could offer advice on how to conduct relationships etc, that could be useful.

The hockey trip... as others have said, is leverage. Do you know anyone who could give him a job in the summer holidays to earn credits for things he will need for the trip...he's quite young but something hard like gardening or maybe the coach can give him chores, give him something positive to work towards, and keep him busy and distracted, its worth a shot to change how you all view the situation.

You've said you think you must be a terrible mother, sort of based on the fact that he appears to you like a terrible son atm. But its not about you. You can't just accept the label and say "I've failed" because a 15 year old needs your help if he's on the wrong path.

This is a bump in the road, quite a big one. How many of us would say.. teenage boys - easy? Its not, but you have to hang in there and change your tactics. It would be good if he could end the year without a police record, without the very drastic and public humiliation of being booted out of his school into a boarding school or local comp, without screwing up his exams, his social groups and with a much better understanding of reasonable behaviour in friendships and relationships. All is not lost, you are not a failure. Give him and yourself a second chance to turn this around.

I dont agree about stopping the hockey. If you take everything away then he has absolutely no reason to behave at all. Sign him up for other sports clubs. Fill his hours so he has no time to misbehave.
Is he really that bad or are you just not coping with a rather difficult but fairly typical teenage boy?
The girl actually did sound as though she was harassing him and if her parents didn't want to take it any further maybe they know their own daughter!

Was there not a case last year where and oxbridge student was wrongly accused of SA/Rape and killed himself? I thought MN did not like victim-blaming, but it seems there are a lot of people on this thread who disagree.

Guilty until proven innocent @BrightPearlEagle you didn't believe your own son and packed him off to his grandparents for him to cry himself to sleep. Your own thread is titled You think you hate him. Why do you think he is a bit messed up, seeking risky behaviour and short-term sexual gratification?

Many of these private schools are toxic. They teach nothing but entitlement, abuse and superiority over anyone not from your "network".

No hockey trip and he goes to his grandparents while you all go to the US. Replace his smartphone with a Nokia brick while you are away. Boarding school next term.

I could have written what you said about my eldest about 8 years ago. Very bright, personable, but apt to opening his gob and getting or giving a smack in the face for it. Drinking and smoking weed with an asshole friend. On top of that I left his Dad and his Grandpa died all within one 3 month period. I stayed firm even in the face of screaming matches...but also offered for him to see a counsellor which made a difference

He settled down, applied himself, aced his A levels and has just finished Uni. We are closer than ever.

It sucks. Stay firm, united front. Keep telling him you love him but he has boundaries...

Pick your battles too!!!

We had one friend that my eldest could call, no matter where they were or what they were doing, if they needed non judgmental help or were in a situation they needed out of.

I wouldn't send him away. Give him space to come back to you instead.

Does that make sense?

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply and offer their perspectives. Even where I disagree, I do appreciate that people have taken the time to respond.

I am incredibly overwhelmed at the moment with everything and honestly just trying my best. DH has been doing even more than I have. He has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this and is a wonderful father. Whatever our differences have been in how we've approached this we are both trying to do what we believe is best for our son.

I also want to address one point that has come up repeatedly as everyone seems to think we should send our son to state school as punishment or consequence. We do not see state schools as a punishment or a "lesson". I am not against state schools at all. I think it is quite sad that some people think it’s a punishment. What about children who have to attend state school.

I also think that if I had come here describing a 15-year-old girl who was being called more than 50 times a day, receiving endless messages, no caller ID calls, repeated emails begging for a response, and messages saying things like "I hate you", "I'll get you into trouble", or "kill yourself" calling him names, there would understandably be a lot of sympathy for her.

Before all of this, my son had made it clear that he did not want anything serious. She replied that they could "just mess about" verbatim. Even after all the phone calls and after telling him she hated him, she later asked whether he wanted to see her again or if she can go round, and his response was, "No, please just leave me alone. I don't want anything."

We spoke to his tutor, who has taught at the school for 35 years. He told us he has unfortunately seen situations like this many times where one struggles to accept rejection and things escalate. That does not excuse my son's behaviour afterwards, particularly the misogynistic attitudes he has developed, and I am not trying to minimise that.However, I do believe that if someone says they do not want a relationship that decision should be respected.

I am not a 15 year old boy, and I am trying very hard to understand what is going through his mind. He acts confident and tough most of the time but during all of this specific situation he completely broke down. He cried for hours actually wanted a hug from his grandparents. I know many people see him as the villain in this situation and I completely understand why, but these are still two 15 year olds. The situation is far more complicated than I can fully explain in a forum post.

People have asked what consequences we have put in place. We have not ignored his behaviour. We have taken his phone granted we have given it back to him in some instances, stopped giving him spending money, monitored him far more closely and put boundaries in place. He cannot simply invite girls over without us knowing. We have a Ring doorbell and cameras around the property and DH and I aren’t home all the time sometimes we get in a bit after school and that’s when he has girls round. On the occasions I have found him with a girl, I have taken her home myself and spoken to her parents because I did not think the situation was appropriate. I have explicitly told these girls to just leave him alone, find a guy who will treat them well. I’d love for my son to be that but he’s currently NOT.

He has continued to attend educational school trips. For example, he recently went on a physics trip that the whole year attended. It was an educational visit, although they had some free time in London afterwards. I genuinely do not know whether preventing him from attending educational opportunities altogether would achieve anything positive. Hockey tour to America this year most likely he will not be attending.

What makes this so difficult is that this is not the child I thought I knew. He has always been bright, driven and ambitious. He knows what he wants to study, hopes to apply to universities in the United States, wants to play hockey alongside studying mechanical engineering, and has always worked towards those goals. He sat down if his GCSEs recently a year early and teachers predicted him 9s & 8s in the ones he’s sat, we shall see on results day but with past papers he’s been doing very well. I never imagined I would be worrying about him being influenced by misogynistic online content. Somewhere along the way we have clearly gone wrong in our parenting and I am struggling with that more than I can put into words.

DH and I have approached parts of this differently. At first, I did not even want to hear my son's explanation or read the messages because I was so upset and angry. DH encouraged me to listen before reaching conclusions. Looking back I think he handled that part better than I did. I think he will resent me for a while and I hope I can mend our relationship. The personal messages have been helpful so thank you! I will implement some of those ideas maybe go on a weekend away trip with just him and see how that goes. He’s capable to having a conservation, hopefully we can bond a little. He’s eldest son , he’s was such a joy growing up. I don’t hate him I feel rage mode so.

I did not come here to argue or convince anyone that my son has done nothing wrong. I know he has. I came here because I feel completely lost. I have taken time off work because my anxiety has become overwhelming and I am finding it difficult to cope.

Everyone keeps telling me it is "just a phase", but that is not particularly comforting when you are living through it as a parent. I want the very best for him. We have always tried to support his ambitions because he was such a motivated child, and watching things unravel has been devastating.

Thank you again to everyone who has shared their views. I will reflect on what has been said, even if some of it has been difficult to read.

I think I will leave the thread and delete my account now, this is my first time on mumsnet. I feel that some of what I have written has been taken as though it is a complete transcript of events or everything is verbatim rather than a summary and a lot of assumptions have been made about me as a parent. I did not come here to be told I was doing everything right and I certainly did not expect to be coddled. I simply came because I was struggling and hoped to hear different perspectives. Unfortunately, I think people have formed an impression of me or my failed motherhood (I did not think this would get this much responses I have learnt my lesson)that is very different from who I am and for my own wellbeing I think it is best if I step away now.

Thanks once again there’s been some genuinely great idea, I’ve had a dark cloud over me recently so haven’t been able to think properly for a while so thank you I’ll definitely take them on board. The personal messages of personal experiences with your sons has given me hope I can do this and tomorrow is another day I want the very best for my son and maybe I’ve been lazy it’s tough but DH and I need to sit down properly and work out a plan for our son 🧡

I assume you’ve tried to ask him why he is behaving this way? What does he say?

I could never imagine sending any of my sons to board. Why have them?

As I said upthread - he needs connection not punishment. Taking the US away seems like a waste of a good opportunity to allow him to earn it through connecting and philanthropic activities.

Focus first on repairing your relationship with him rather than fixing his behaviour- the latter is impossible without the former.

I'd suggest you encourage him to look for a summer holiday job and / or voluntary work so he's around adult role models who aren't his parents and he can learn some of the stuff he's not getting at the minute.

A break from each other with him staying elsewhere isn't a terrible idea, but needs his cooperation - his grandparents won't be able to physically keep him in the house if he wants to go out. Can it be sold as being about him helping out his aging grandparents with tasks they're finding harder?

I'd talk to the people organising the hockey trip re whether they're worried about his behaviour on that trip.

Re having sex the risks are: pregnancy, STIs and more false allegations. The morals / ethics are separate.

I can't tell whether he's an average teenager being age-appropriately selfish or whether there's something more worrying in his behaviour.

Take him out of that school and put him in the local comp. He seems to be living out some kind of posh roguish psychopath fantasy. He’s not in the real world.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I'm not sure sending him to his grandparents is likely to address what's driving the behaviour. It may give everyone a breather, but unless he has a really close relationship with them and they're on the same page about boundaries, the same issues could simply return when he comes home.
What stands out to me is that this seems to have escalated beyond typical teenage boundary-pushing. The combination of risky behaviour, school concerns, and the impact it's having on your family suggests it's time for a bigger conversation rather than just stricter rules.

It’s not state school as punishment, it’s because he’s getting away with murder at a school which seems to be quite staggeringly not wanting him out of there. It’s really creepy.

Stop him bringing random girls home. Make sure you are there after school. He is disrespecting you and his home by his behaviour.