AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Don’t be silly. The police aren’t criminalising a 15 year old for having sex with other 15 year olds. MN is truly bonkers. The police barely do anything about actual rapes, but you think he’s going to be in serious trouble for having consensual sex

I'm sorry this sounds tough for you but you're right it is completely the fault of you both as parents.

Making your parents deal with it isn't the thing to do here but nor is continuing the disruption to your family as a whole.

The fact that you simplified an assault allegation to 'all the girls fancy him' shows your view on this is skewed in the completely wrong way.

I am not diminishing the impact a turbulent teen can have on a family here but you are the adults in the situation and don't seem to be doing very much adulting.

You’ve spoiled him and now you seem surprised he’s acting spoilt? What did you think was going to happen?

If he’s into his sports, I think you should enrol him in either Karate or boxing. Both are highly disciplined and both install a sense of respect into the kids doing them. The men running these places are usually strong, positive role models, well used to dealing with stroppy teenagers, and will stand for no messing about, especially if they understand what he’s like at home. If he refuses then the US trip is off. Not just for the hockey, the whole lot. There’s no point taking things away that he doesn’t care about. You may as well confiscate his hot water bottle. Taking his electronics is not an effective consequence.

You haven’t made much mention of your DH here, has he let you become the bad parent, while he’s still trying to be his mate?

Re sending him to his grandparents after the false allegations, ask him what the fuck he expected (and include the ‘fuck’, especially if you’re not a swearer). Tell him that he’s gone from your lovely son to someone you don’t even recognise anymore, and if he wants a mum who has total faith in her son that he would never do that, then he needs to start behaving like he would never do that, rather than a pathetic Andrew Tate devotee.

Can he board at school? It must be tempting to give you all a break from each other.

Why are you even thinking about letting him go to America?

He has done nothing to deserve it.

You are not a terrible mother...teens are hard and your seems a complete arse at the minute! No advice but some solidarity....

...and what will your advice be when OP is babysitting her son's baby so the child's mum can stay in school?

I don't know if you are still on the thread but just wanted to say - I was vile when I was 15. Utterly vile. Also popular with the boys, sneaking out clubbing and drinking, also did well academically and thought I was the bees knees, so arrogant and wanted nothing to do with my parents.

All I can say is, by the time I was 17 I saw the light, realized my parents and siblings were human and became nice and respectful again. Many decades on and we have been close ever since.

You can actually reach out to children's services at your local council (part of ‘social services) and ask for family support, or a child in need assessment. I know a few people who have done this and we, ourselves, were allocated a youth mentor who met with my eldest weekly for nearly 6m after we requested a referral because eldest’s behaviour was putting my youngest’s child’s MH at risk.

They were actually really helpful and if you ask the school to support and help you with that referral, it may be put in place very quickly. We were surprised they were so responsive as we are a comfortably off middle class family and thought they would simply laugh at us - but we were at the end of our tether and concerned for the youngest.

There are also other charitable support groups such as family action (family-action.org.uk) who can advise and give support.

The laws are to protect under 16 year olds from being targeted by adults
Not to punish two 15 year olds having consensual sex.

I’m so sorry OP, what a difficult situation you are in. All I can say is that it seems clear your relationship with him is very strained and I would focus on repairing that above all else. I’m not sure what you can do — as others have said, an extended holiday together, getting very involved in an activity he enjoys, whatever it is you can think of to connect with him.

I would tell my son he isn't allowed to have girls over. Mine is nearly 15. I would allow a regular girlfriend over but not a different one every week.

I don’t think you need to send him away - whether boarding or grandparents. I think you need to engage more not less. You need to see some serious boundaries. This boy is only 15 but thinks he is the man of the house and it’s time for your DH to go full Father.

Also I agree with any referral you can get that might provide a mentor etc. He needs a positive male role model that he feel comfortable opening up to and it’s often harder to do that as family.

I’m feeling for you, OP. If he’s at a private school I’m assuming money isn’t an object and would be investigating family therapy of some kind . So not just therapy for him, but somewhere you can all get a bit of outside help with what is going on

I agree with a previous poster… the school seem to be enabling him and not helping you to guide him in to understanding his behaviour etc. I wonder if it’s because he’s good at hockey and it’s a good look for the school. His school really should be helping you instead of saying “he will grow out of it”.

But he didn’t

she withdrew the allegations and said she made it up.

the law will act if there is a risk that coercion or manipulation was used to gain consent. Take a google at how many law firms offer advice and solicitors for this scenario and you will see it’s an area of the law that is fraught with difficulties. Particularly if, say, a 15 year old girl’s very vocal middle class parents lawyer up and make a fuss.

@BrightPearlEagle - you need to tell him that, unless his behaviour and attitude at home and outside improve radically, there is no way he will be going on the US trip - I think that might focus his mind.

He needs to understand that

• if he is accused of assault again, that could severely limit his options in the future.
• if he is flirting with lots of girls, and bringing them back home (are you out at work when this happens?) it is all too easy for one of them to make an accusation.
• it could end up with his word against hers, and he's not got a great track record.

He would be well advised to avoid being alone with any girl for the time-being, to avoid any such accusation.

A change of school for sixth form would be a very good idea, preferably somewhere not attended by anyone from his current school or the girls' school. He's probably now feeling he needs to live up to his reputation, and he might do much better starting off somewhere new and re-inventing himself. However that assumes he can see that this would be a good idea.

So you pull the hockey tour.
You pull everything..
Stop pandering.

I think this is good advice.

I have been teaching 15 years and have really struggled with boys of this age this year in a new way (many of the other female teachers are too). They are in a toxic culture and some are behaving awfully. Some schools are dealing with this better than others.

I wish you would stop focusing on blaming yourself and DH. Your son is responsible for his actions and attitude. He's 15! And sounds like he's had every advantage.

My 15yr old was very like this. He's not academic but was a whirl-wind of trouble. He's always been sociable, plays team sports, not academic but goes to school and is pretty compliant, always had girlfriends which always ended badly. Lots of weeks I have had phone calls from school, police, other parents etc. He's also under safeguarding himself due to his Dad trying to stalk me by encouraging him to film me etc....
Anyway, to cut a long story short, without playing the ND card I felt he fitted the inattentive adhd profile so we went private for the assessment. I spent hours putting all the evidence together. It turns out he is adhd inattentive but the curve ball was that he is also autistic. Which is so frustrating given the amount of professionals who have been in contact with him and never suggested it before leaving me feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. I can only say things have calmed down a lot as we now know more about how to "manage" him for want of a better word.

Have you taught him that actions have consequences since he was a toddler?

I’m almost certain he will grow out of this.

i think sending him away could look like you’re pushing him away when it may be that he’s needing MORE attention from you and your H.

Send the little ones away for a treat and use the time to talk to your DS about what he wants, why he’s pushing back and being so oppositional.

tell him you can’t let him go on the hockey tour as things are, you’re worried he’ll do something that’ll result in serious consequences in the USA, and you’re not prepared to risk that. That you WANT to let him go, but can’t unless there is a change in his overall demeanour.

Girls/Friends, ok but only in common areas with supervision. For protection of both parties and you’d like to work with him so that he has fun, but within safe boundaries

I have to agree with this!
Never heard of anything like it.
A professional person would not contact a parent and say all the girls fancy him.
No wonder he has an ego, when his mother is posting on the internet that everyone is obsessed with him.