AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

They should both get into trouble for breaking the law, or why bother having laws at all?

You know that doesn’t happen though right? If you report your 15yo for having sex with another 15yo neither of them are getting into trouble. You’re just wasting police time

Have you tried saying 'no' at any point in his life? As to the girls put them in your car and take them home (you, not your DH for obv. reasons). He is 15 and I assume the girls are the same age, so you are allowing under age sex to take place in your home. You also have some duty of care to an underage girl who is being tricked/seduced by your son.
Actions have consequences and it seems your DS does not know there are any, so it is about time to have some. Grandparents. No phone. No whatever else it is he values.

Why is this all about you and not about how your child has been failed?

'should have sent him to board'? Should have partnered better you mean surely?

i have a 16 yr son who autistic and is a right little shit. and down right vile to me..but no way could i ever say i hate him..jeez he's your son

Yes that case is awful - but there's evidence this girl was harassing him (50 calls a day which is harassment) and she also threatened via text that if he didn't start responding to her she would make up a false allegation.

You can obviously never know with allegations - but it's really not similar to the case you mentioned! In fact apparently there's digital evidence of OP's son being harassed

Baffled as to how all these besotted girls are gaining entry to the house.

I haven’t seen the OP say there was actual evidence of this. It’s much more likely that the girl retracted her accusation for a quiet life as so many women and girls do and then get called liars. Of course, we don’t know this. What we do know is that this boy lacks boundaries and respect and that there is an epidemic of violence against women and girls.

So the police wouldn't give them a warning or anything? If it's true that the police would do nothing, then we don't in fact have any laws against sex under 16.

No there was evidence if this. People are just adding bits to fit their narrative

This particular law is to protect children from predatory adults

So she saw evidence and didn’t believe him ?

I'm not saying I've used these tecniques myself as I came across this organisation after my own children had flown the nest. But I was very impressed by a speaker I saw from Connected Families who had worked with what what sounded like troubled teens (not sure what the correct term was for them) and he talked about a system whereby you allow the child to face the natural consequences of their own actions. It made such a lot of sense to me and I could intuitively understand how it might work.

You can pay to speak to a coach but the organisation has some useful free info on the site. It is a Christian organisation and that may put you off (or not) but the material sounded very well thought through and some of the teens sounded far more troubled than your own son and progress was made. The trouble with counselling is that whilst it can help with feeling heard and seen, counsellors do not offer practical advice which could be helpful.

You can start right away with some free videos.

https://connectedfamilies.org

Btw, I doubt you hate your son - you just hate the way he is behaving.

Laws like those are mainly to protect children from adults, not to criminalise two 15 year olds for having sex

Yeah. This’ll work.

Well OP has said ‘Our son showed the phone calls he ignored from her over 50 calls in one day, spamming messages, begging him to respond, threatening if he does not respond she will say he did this that the other, even her saying she will kill herself if he does not respond and her emailing him from her school email which her school had access to. Through all of this, he only sent her a few messages most of them saying to leave him alone and that he did not want to be with her. Not nice messages but if you are being called that many times I can see his frustration.’

So if we take it at face value, then yes there’s evidence that she wasn’t telling the truth, and then she admitted it

External influences are so much more powerful than any amount of "good parenting".

From experience, using a firmer hand/cutting him off financially/withdrawing him from sports won't work on the kind of child you have, OP. I was an "off the rails" teen and any one of those things would have pushed me further away and strengthened my intent to rebel.

Before the family holiday you could write him a brief note (because talking is too explosive and we all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment).

Reassure him that your love is unconditional and that whilst you're proud of x/y/z aspects of his personality, you don't recognise him right now and can't accept his treatment of women. Admit your own part in this - that you regret not guiding him better and losing his respect.

The nature of a letter means he can re-read it, move through the anger, and hopefully more of what you say will sink in.

Just remember, his hormones are at the wheel and this won't last forever.

Sorry you're going through this.

He needs the wind taken out of his sails.

At the moment he’s a big fish in a small pond. I’d change that asap. Next term move him to the local comp. He desperately needs his arrogance challenged.
And there would be no trip the US. You can’t trust him on his home turf. God knows what he’d get up to in another country.

He already treats you like shit and no doubt hates you anyway. Time to actually be the ‘bad guys’ and parent the shit out of him while you still own his ungrateful little arse. He’s only 15, so before he’s inflicted on the rest of society clip his wings and get him back on track. Good luck. 💐

Teens are wired to not listen to their parents. You need to find an external man, someone he looks up to, to explain to him the potential consequences of his actions.
Has he got an uncle? Someone he respects like a coach or similar?

Another perspective here- what exactly is the bad behaviour at school?! And he’s 15 and not around girls so he’s bound to seek them out and lavish in the attention! If girls are throwing themselves at him is it any wonder? I can understand why he has felt upset as it sounds like you don’t trust him and not seeing any good qualities, surely he has some? He will come out of it, his hormones are everywhere. But negativity breeds negativity- if you are all at nagging at him constantly he’s just reacting his environment.

The word ‘generally’ is crucial… it means there are times when they will act. And if motivated parents of a girl (or girls) kick up a fuss, the police may well start to pay attention. The risk for @BrightPearlEagle is her son is relying on his charm to get away with it but if a few girls start to feel resentful of his hump them and dump them games, he could be in huge trouble. So even if op like her son doesn’t care about other people, she should worry about the possible consequences he might face.

But you haven't done all you can as parents have you? You said he has had no discipline and has been spoiled, who's fault is that? Your son is/is turning into a misogynistic sex pest and you don't seem to be taking that very seriously either. You reap what you sow.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here (and I'm not at all saying I'm right as only you know the true extent of it) but is he just being an arsey teenager? If you break down what you've written, ok he's being disrespectful and not listening to rules - fairly common at that age - he's a bit up himself when it comes to girls and treats them as somewhat disposable - needs addressing certainly but also pretty prevalent among boys/younger men - and that sounds like that's about it? He's doing well at school, they have no concerns and think it's just a phase, as do his grandparents. Maybe it is? Is it just a case of him needing guidance and you to 'hold the end of the rope' as they say on MN while he gets through this somewhat arseholish phase? Doesn't sound like he's doing drugs/anything criminal or going completely off the rails?

FWIW, most of my friends were probably worse than this at that age and we all grew up and are now functioning, successful and respectful members of society.

100% this. His ego will get a hard reality check when he comes up against boys in state schools and most girls in state schools don’t suffer fools gladly. Everyone is more discerning and nobody is afraid to tell an Emperor he has no clothes on.

He wouldn't be going anywhere until his attitude improved if he was mine.