AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

I'm not in anyway minimising abuse; but safeguarding is about risk assessment and realism.

As a PP said, children dying in car crashes is horrific beyond words on the mercifully extremely rare occasions when it happens, but we don't say that children can never travel in cars as a consequence, because their safety always comes first.

Yes, we get that you "simply don't care". Your empathy for women, girls and trauma victims is overwhelming. For calling us 'frothing', when many of us are rape survivors like myself, and come at this from a different angle - frothing! You got the empathy you deserve and you got the response your 'frothing' vile comment deserved.

That is so awful, so sorry to hear this.

Absolutely it’s about risk assessment and now if I made a risk assessment that my child was not safe he would not be using the men’s toilets alone.I’d urge any parent to learn from my mistake.

My son would be physically unable to use men’s toilets alone due to trauma anyway.

If you don't care or have empathy for female rape survivors who would be distressed by his presence, you can't really expect them to give a shit about your son either, and, ultimately, they have the right to be in there and he doesn't. Empathy is a 2 way street.

Whatever.

Your lack of concern as regards safeguarding and the sexual abuse of children, suggesting parents willingly put their kids at risk is despicable.

No. No, that is not what is comes down to. The female change is for all females and males up to the age of 8 only. That is a female space and shouldn’t even be mentioned in the discussion. That it is the back up plan for young boys is the height of misogyny. If you think a 9year old male should not be in the male toilet, then you ask for third spaces/family spaces.

The average 14 year old boy cannot fight off the average man. Puberty may start at 11 (12/13 is more usual) but your voice getting squeaky or your balls getting hairy doesnt make you better able to fight an adult. And suppose they have a knife, or say they do, what should a 14 year old do then?

By your lack of logic boys should be in the women's toilets til they are in their late teens. Just no.

My sons would have been mortified to go in the ladies at 9. I would wait outside the men’s and they never took that long. They were going to the men’s independently from about 6.

Nope I have far more to do thanks ie supporting my child through severe trauma and battling for treatment.

I urge any parent reading this to step away and make your safeguarding choices yourself. Ignore these comments. It simply is not worth the risk.

9 is definitely pushing it - some people won’t mind but some will.

Young boys accompanied by their mother aren’t a safeguarding risk.

Ditto

He can go, but why would he? He’s old enough to take care of himself for the time it takes to wee.

I've heard some horrific stories of boys being assaulted in busy toilets, including a boy in a McDonald's toilet while his family was yards away.

Its a while ago but I remember 2 boys were raped in a busy shopping centre toilet on a Saturday afternoon.

Don't assume busy means safe and its probably worse that so many toilets are completely enclosed cubicles rather than panels with gaps at top and bottom.

No. But teaching girls that the needs of men and boys are more important than theirs definitely is a safeguarding risk.

100% agree

I'm still waiting for @callmeLoretta1 to quote the actual legislation which says a man / woman commits an offence (criminal or civil) if he / she goes into the wrong sex loo.

Since she knows the law so well I'd have thought it would be easy.

I suspect however she's conveniently ignoring my polite request as she doesn't like her lies being called out.

You're putting words in my mouth. I did NOT say the average 14 year old CAN always fight off the average man. I said a 14 year old boy would be better off in those circumstances than a 9 year old boy. His chance of advocating for himself and physically creating enough of a fight for intervention to occur is undoubtedly more likely. You remain ridiculous to suggest otherwise. The average 9 year old is prepubertal. The average 14 year old is pubertal. Puberty also doesn't just consist of deeper voices and hairy balls - it's an increase in height/stature and physical strength. If you had an average 50th centile 14 year old in front of you, and an average 50th centile 9 year old in front of you - are you telling me you couldnt tell the difference? At some point, boys will use the men's toilet independently. By 14, absolutely. By 9, not necessarily. As I have repeatedly said, it is about risk mitigation.

Utterly ridiculous , you safeguard your children and stop telling other mothers how to safeguard theirs.

That old lady was just a grumpy old thing ignore her.

What a ridiculous and completely irrelevant statement.

Let alone a young boy. 😂 Where are the police even going to get names from?Any mother and child would be long gone. No police officer is going to argue with a child’s safeguarding and frankly would not care.

We took our kids to see The Magic Flute. At the interval, 4 year old DS peed in the potted palm. Yes, we had a talk about it.

Letting little boys go to the ladies with their mums is not teaching girls that the needs of men and boys are more important than theirs. I have a son and a daughter, I take both into the loo with me, and if my daughter saw another boy in the loo with his mum and asked why he was there I would say 'he's with his mum using the loo', and somehow none of our heads would explode.