Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

What is this 2 people barely cost more than 1. That's bullshit.

This guy can't afford a gf unless she pays.

He stays at your place half the week and contributes nothing. He eats your food and uses your utilities and of course it's costing you a lot more. You can't stay at his because he's living with friends. He's half a cocklodger and you will get very tired of paying for everything when you barely make enough for one. He will be a financial drain.

And with you doing everything and paying for everything, he has the nerve to complain about your cooking.

He's in debt for thousands?

You don't earn enough to support a cocklodger who is in debt to the tune of thousands.

Be smart. Do not tie yourself to this guy and get rid of him now. He is looking for an easy way through life and that will make your life much harder. He doesn't care that as a healthy adult, he's a burden to you.

@Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife I looked at it like he’s struggling to face it. If support him he can get himself in a better financial place

So he needs to bring a bottle of tap water and a snack from home.

I’m surprised he’s a TA. The vast majority of TA’s are either mums who want a role to fit around school hours or they’re older and reaching retirement age so want a nice little job for a few hours. The pay is so low I don’t think many do it for the love of it, it makes far more sense to go into actual teaching… Is there a reason he isn’t doing this? Is he not particularly academic? Just wondering if perhaps he doesn’t have a degree.

This aside, there’s a very evident mismatch between you. You’re financially responsible and he isn’t. He’s happy to float through life earning very little, getting into debt, living off you without offering to pay towards anything… You say he’s lovely, maybe, but he lacks any sort of motivation or aspirations. I’d move on, can you imagine settling down with him?

This man has 2’women propping him up and still isn’t functioning as an adult. He can’t afford to be in a relationship.

Train to be a teacher?

Leave work at 3.30pm and get a job in the evenings? Or school holidays? Or weekends?

Nothing is going to change unless he changes it himself.

The same. I do work part time with young children but that is a joint choice. I had this sort of conversation with my husband long before we married because it was important to me that we were on the same page. TBH I wasn't earning well when we first met but completed further qualifications and established my career before we married or thought about children.

So he needs to be a big boy and either have a discussion with the landlord and agree to pay monthly rent + a reasonable amount of debt each month or he needs to work out another way of paying her back, get a second job, get a low interest loan split into smaller repayments over a longer time. Not sit and sulk he has no money and take more money from his landlord and live off you at the same time

But this is the issue: he'd rather carry on like he is, bumbling along in his low paid job with his girlfriend sorting everything out for him. If this really what you want for your life?

Missing the point but what is iron liquid?

OP, he knows perfectly well he is using you. A discussion needs to be had.

Couldn’t he get a second job? He could surely do some bar work in the evenings where he lives. Something in the school holidays. He has a lot of spare hours at the moment.

he's only got one work outfit? It'd be cheaper surely to get him a few more shirts and chinos and undies?!

Not everyone has parents to move back in with

How will that make things cheaper. They'd still need washed.

Where did I say anything about living a lesser life??? Specialist ironing water is nothing short of a gimmick that’s supports unnecessary consumerism not to mention being a total waste of money!

He can be a nice person but incompatible for you. Its great that he loves his job as a TA, but if the salary doesn't give him the lifestyle he wants, he needs a second job or he needs to rethink his lifestyle or career choice.

Obviously there are many people who earn much more than their partners, and subsidise or pay for their partners to live. If he has no intention of getting a better paid job, you need to consider what your future looks like together. If you want a larger home, to go out for dates, to travel, you will likely have to pay most or all of the cost. There is nothing wrong with that if you are happy to do so. However, if you want to be in a more 50/50 relationship, it sounds like you aren't going to get that from your current partner.

This is tragically familiar to me. I posted upthread how I was just like OP at her age.

Now with the
"Getting depressed" as a way of avoiding money conversations
Her seeking advice on his behalf
Owing money to people housing him
Enjoying his low-earning job and refusing to contemplate another

I feel like OP is me in a time machine!

Men don't stay attracted to women who mother them (even if they force the dymanic at the start)

I'm now 50 and have brought up our dc alone for 10 years. This is not the life you want - and it's not a dress rehersal!

Or maybe he can get himself on Vinted and buy his own. He’s a fully grown man, apparently.

The low wage is less of an issue than the debt and the misalignment of viewpoints/values in what a job is for. That latter one isn't a jab at either of you, but it's important that life partners be aligned on something like this, or at least happily agreed that one person does the labour of love while the other supports.

Is this what you want your life to look like as it doesn’t look as though there is an end in site.
He doesn’t need to match what you earn but he should be able to contribute equally.

Somehow sense that this is a thought process you need to go through in your own time but when you sit there and consider what you will be doing to support his needs vs how he supports yours you will find it woefully one sided.

@Misssparkles2 I'm sorry your dp had such a sad event in his life, and it's understandable that sometimes people get into debt in those situations. But he sounds like he is financially incompetent and takes no responsibility.

He's an adult now and he need to behave like an adult and take adult decisions. You say: we spoken about him needing to earn more but he doesn’t want to do any other work that he doesn’t love... he only wants do work a job he likes even after his school job That is unrealistic. Very few of us get to live like that, and he cannot afford the luxury of only doing what he loves. He's even thinking about reducing his pay. Who does he think is going to feed him?

Even if you love him, I'd end the relationship until he has paid back all of his debt and has a proper plan for how he funds his life. Although I doubt he'll ever manage that. It is his responsibility, not yours.

The risk now is that his friends mum throws him out and he expects to move in with you full time. Do not allow this for even one week.

@Misssparkles2 if you were in his position what would you do?
You don't have to expect someone to do something you wouldn't do yourself, but surely in his position you would try to do something, not ponder taking an even lower paid job while the debt builds, expecting your partner and landlord to be dragged down financially with you.
Expect him to do what you would put yourself through to get out of this position. Tell him he needs to do it and don't let him drag you down with him

So he’s a lower earner, with no drive and ambition, he’s shit with money, and it doesn’t seem to occur to him that he shouldn’t just land you with the bill. Do you want a dependent? Because you’ve got yourself a dependent.

I should hope he’s ‘lovely’, considering that this arrangement primarily benefits him. Lovely is the bare minimum though, and you can do better.

Too often women are expected to virtue signal with their romantic choices in order to prove that we aren’t ’shallow gold diggers’, as if financial compatibility isn’t actually extremely important in relationships. Money matters. Being on the same page matters. Don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of by maintaining a situation to your own detriment because ‘he’s lovely’.

Usual double standards. If the women earns less than a man there is never a outcry. But if a man earns less..,.

Does he not qualify for UC? When I was a TA I qualified for UC as the pay was so low