Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

……..the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt………plenty of iron liquid in the tap you know! 🙄

Did your DH moan about having to eat the food you made and expect you to pay for something else for him, while being in debt and doing nothing to try to get himself out of it? Op isn't on crazy money, she clearly cannot afford to subsidise him and he can't be bothered to get a second job, he has actually said he wants to take a lower paid job, he should want to get himself into a better position financially
She won't be able to have kids and pay off his debt and support 2 adults on her wage. He should be trying to resolve some of his own issues not just offload them onto op

@Geneticsbunny ive spoken to a debt advisor for him as he gets depressed and doesn’t face it. He could mange his debt and pay that motherly. The problem is his friends mum keeps re lending him more money and he can’t get out of it. I don’t understand why she won’t just stop giving him more money she knows he can’t pay back or just write off the debt he owes her and tells him that’s it.

Why doesn't he just refuse the money? What am I missing here?
I'd love to know what he does at school 4-5pm. Something's not adding up.

@MyDeftDuck I brought a good iron and I don’t want to ruin it with hard water. Why do I need to live a lesser life when I work

@MagdaLenor he basically sits in on meetings with the big dogs that he doesn’t need to be in.

Sometimes he comes over and not in a mean way will ask what we are eating. I usually cook in bulk and he will kind of say how he doesn’t want to eat the same thing on repeat. Which I get it but I’m almost like you can’t choose because you can’t afford to get yourself dinner right now. I really don’t want to be like that but at the same time I’m 25 and I can only do what I can do and just like him I’m working hard so I can have the choice to have and do what I want to do

This is a huge red flag. He sees it as your job to feed him.

If you ever made the mistake of having kids with him, he would become a stay at home dad and you would still be doing the cooking, cleaning and bringing in the wages.

I would dump him straightaway but if you want to think about it, at least put in some measures until you dump him:

• no more treats out unless he pays for himself
• don’t cook for him, have your dinner before he comes over.
• replace shower gel with 40p supermarket one. Keep the Method wash in your bathroom cabinet for your own use only.

Have I got this right? He ends up giving her all his income in rent and debt repayments, and she then lends him more so he gets in more debt instead of paying it off?
Sounds like slavery to me.

I'd say there's a good chance he'll have an 'emergency' soon and will ask to 'temporarily' borrow some of your house deposit money.

He needs to work out his budget and if the repayments to his landlady friend are too high, ask to reduce them over a longer term. But he seems like a waster who will bleed you dry for a few years until he finds someone else.

You need to stop wondering why she keeps lending him money and start asking why he keeps requesting money from her.
From the budget you worked out, can he afford to pay back the debt minimum payments monthly, rent and food? If the answer is that he can, he is spending money elsewhere, so where has the extra money been spent that he's taking money off his landlord and making his situation worse

No he doesn't. If you don't need to be in a meeting, then you'll be asked to leave. No-one sits through school meetings for the sake of it. He has no decision making responsibility.

So what DOES he spend his money on? Is he paying rent / bills / food where he stays? Can he negotiate a reduction in that if he's only there half the time (since it's family friends).

How much does he spend on himself? Does he spend money drinking in the pub (where he stays)? Are there things he could cut back on to treat you to some luxury shower gel. Is he aware of costs and prices? Or has he always lived at home or with family friends where he has never had to consider the cost of living, or to take responsibility for budgeting.

He's either spending his money on other things and expecting you to pick up the slack, or he is simply not earning enough to live. Other people in that situation get another job, work extra hours to make ends meet. They don't expect anyone else to pick up the financial burden.

Fundamentally he has no drive or enthusiasm to better his situation.

I'm not clear if the landlady is helping or hindering him either. Reminds me of Mrs Scrubbit in Wonka - always adding things to the bill. I'm hoping that is massively unfair.

If he wanted to, he would already have a second job or start teacher training or something - anything!

Instead he is perfectly happy to sleep on a mattress on the ground, own about 3 pairs of boxers and scrounge off his girl friend.

If you do have a drive to improve your circumstances, this is never going to work. You just have different values.

(NB - during my 30 yr marriage, sometimes I've carried my OH, sometimes he has carried me either because of redundancy or maternity leave etc. The difference being we both have the same values, and knew we have never taken the piss out of each other)

@grumpygrape yes he basically pays her a large chunk of his wage and then uses th rest on petrol food when he’s at work etc. Then he runs out of money and borrows money from her. She’s bailed him out of debt collectors so he’s paying her that back and then needs more money for general living as he’s given her too much than he can afford and the cycle continues

How much does he still owe her and how much is paying back every month to her?

What would you say were it the other way round?

I understand him not wanting to do a second job during term times, but what about in the school holidays? Children's holiday clubs are always looking for extra staff, especially for someone who already has experience working with young people (as your partner does). Or could he pick up a few shifts a week in the pub during the summer holidays?

I say this a teacher, who will be relaxing and enjoying most of my summer break. He doesn't get to sit around for 6 weeks and do nothing, while you finance and feed him! I understand that I am on a much higher salary than him (and TAs should definitely be paid more!), but my take home pay is only £60 a month less than my DH's, and I will be picking up the housework/cooking a lot more over the summer (he WFH and so does the majority of this during the term time). Whereas, you seem to be doing all the cooking etc, and still have to fund him! Is he at least planning to cook for you when he isn't working for 6 weeks?

How is that slavery, he gets a room to rent, say £500 per month, he pays that to his landlord, then takes £250 back from her. So he's only actually paid her £250 this month and adds to how much is owed to her, as long as she's not putting interest on top like a loan shark. He is the one financially taking advantage of his landlord not the other way around

So he gets to work part time at a job he loves because he is not supporting himself but relying on others to bankroll him?

How nice for him.

So its your job to feed him, manage his debts, pay for his food, utilities etc, sleep with him, then his landlady provides for him when hes short of money and he gets to work a passion job that doesn't support himself because the women in his life will adult for him.... good grief this bloke lives the life of riley

@Misssparkles2 why did YOU speak to a debt advisor for him? That is so backward, this specimen is taking no accountability whatsoever.

This is incredibly difficult given you value other qualities about him but with the benefit of hindsight, I would never enter into another relationship if we had different attitudes to money. I can cope with different incomes but not different attitudes as that is unmanageable just as you're finding out.

His job doesn't pay enough to cover what sounds like minimal outgoings resulting in debt and needing to be subbed by you. Although he sounds able to secure alternative employment, he isn't prepared to change from something he loves to something liveable. That sits so far outside of my attitude to money that our relationship would never prosper.

You are young and have time to find a life partner. No matter how sweet he maybe in other ways I don't believe this is the right man for you.

As a TA he could get holiday work which would boost his income.
he needs to stop staying past his hours. Ten minutes or so fair enough, but staying til 5 unpaid is just silly. It won’t get him the respect he thinks it will.
I work in a school. Not a TA actually a SLT role and due to dh’s low income I have a second job. I leave on time and two nights a week and a Saturday I go to my second job.
does it build resentment in me that DH earns so little and won’t supplement his wages. Yes yes it does. Our children are grown only one at home now he’s often home by lunchtime each day but yet says he’s too tired to get a second job.
your boyfriend is going with no commitments. He could easily get a holiday job and a second regular job to pay off debts etc.
plus if he moved in with you. Paid what he pays for his room in rent to you and then paid the debt to the friend. He would be in a better position to pay off debts and not borrow more.
he should maybe look at debt consolidation?
another thought a lot of our TA’s at school also work a lunchtime duty brining in another £300 a month. Could he do that?

His hands are not "tied" though, are they? He wants to stay in a job he loves regardless of salary, so would many people however it is not always possible as there are bills to be paid, children to be fed etc.

Currently he has the luxury of staying in a low paid job because you are subsidising him. He is living almost half the week with you, at your expense.

If you stay with him you are facing a life of financially supporting a man who is content to let you do so and you will become increasingly resentful. If you marry him you will end up 'helping' him with his debts.

Love is great but money can be the root of severe marital disharmony that no amount of love can overcome.

What this thread really screams is how badly we pay these essential roles. People at wonky outraged when it's a man accepting this pay, yet women are expected to live on it for life. What even is this country at this point if we won't pay school staff enough to actually live on..