Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

Fucking ditch him, what a loser. I'm also intrigued to know what your job is.

No I wouldn't be happy about him asking me what's for dinner, then him complaining about eating the same things on repeat, all the while expecting to be fed. This all sounds extremely unattractive. You're not unreasonable at all. Please don't let him move in especially if he's wanting to take a paycut. He's probably doing that thinking you'll subsidise him. It's fine for anyone to do a low paying job they love, as long as they're living within their means as much as possible. He's being fed by you, staying over 3 nights, using all your toiletries, and yes when he's staying over that much he should be providing his own. He can buy him own soaps and leave them at yours. It's the expectation that will make you resentful in the long term.

He has a lifestyle that he can't sustain unless someone subsidises it for him - you and his landlady. Look where that has left her.

You have long-term goals that require you to save.

He is too pathetic to seek his own solutions.

As someone who has been brought to my knees financially in the past by supporting men who refuse to take responsibility for even the most basic things in life, I'd be swerving this one OP.

He sure does seem to have women bankrolling him, didn't he? Hands are tied: unlike other adults he must only do work that he loves, and it's someone else's problem to sort out how he will be washed and fed. Not just anyone though, a woman.
Who also should support him emotionally, because talking about money is depressing....
Being an adult is hard, costs are high and things can suck. But don't hitch yourself to this situation. It sounds like it will be a train wreck for you.

You're basically saying anyone on minimum wage aren't life partner material.

So he always in debt with no way of clearing them and he isn't willing to change his job, do a second job or take debt advice Op. He's doing a job he loves but he has his head in the sand, if he won't make changes he'll still be in this position in 10 years, still earning too little, still in debt, still living off other people _ if his landlady didn't let him rent cheaply, lend him money while you feed him half the week he'd be in real dire straits.
Sadly Op, he's a good man but unless you're willing to always be the one who pays for nearly everything he's not going to work out for you.

He sounds like a really decent guy.

He also needs to face reality. The only people who can live on TA salaries are those who have husbands who earn the main wage and the TA salary is a family income top up.

There are other nurturing jobs that could fit his skill set and passion. Family support workers have a similar role. He'll never earn a fortune but he'll earn a whole lot more than being a TA and there will be more of a career structure. Local authority jobs pay best and he'll have relevant skills.

He could also become a social work assistant - they have got a massive pay upgrade in my local authority now and earn a decent wage. He could also look at becoming a social worker or mental health practictioner working in children's services. There are some wonderful people working at the children's centre/hospital near me and if he likes nurturing work that could really suit him. There are such a shortage of men in these roles that his sex may actually help him get a job and build a career.

Play therapist maybe possibility too. He could then even keep his TA job if he wanted and do that as self employed job in the evenings Some hospitals may employ play therapists I think. Though he would have to train as a play therapist so there is a cost to that.

Or if its the teaching side he likes he could be a teacher.

Basically, there are better paid jobs he could be looking at, and he really needs to. TA salary is not designed as one to live on.

He's prioritising job satisfaction over pay, which is fine—but it's also a bit selfish when he's relying on you to cover some of his bills and you're not benefiting from his job choice in any way. It's no less selfish than you wanting to live your life the way you prefer without running short all the time. I'd be particularly frustrated that he would complain about being bored with eating the same thing on repeat when you're the one paying for it all and doing what fits your budget.

I don't think this relationship is built to last. His desire to choose a job he's passionate about regardless of pay—or even take a pay cut for his dream job—is incompatible with what you want from life, which is a partner who earns enough to pay his own way and not force you to either cover some of his costs or reduce the standard of your lifestyle. It's not unreasonable to want a man who is more aligned with your way of thinking and living. It feels petty because it's about money, but finances are a big deal, and relationships between people who can't mostly agree on finances are challenging to maintain. I'd probably consider ending this relationship, as he has no firm, realistic plans to improve the situation.

@Misssparkles2 Sorry, years and years of experience in schools, colleges, APs and safeguarding. You cant just sit in on meetings that dont concern you. Either hes needed in his role or hes not.

Why doesnt he train to be a teacher and work his way up?

Years and years ago I earnt more than my partner, I was you, and my ex was your fella. He was a TA too. He took a job in a pub 4 nights a week to top up his wage when we lived together. Without me asking.

This guy sounds like hes taking advantage. You make a lot of excuses for him and it sounds like hes been through a lot, but i dont think this will get any better unless you really go in hard about your boundaries and non negotiables.

Who goes to someone else's house 4 nights a week snd doesnt pay for some food or cook or offer money towards electricity etc its ludicrous. Even in the early days when my now DP was coming round 1 evening a week he'd bring food/drink goodies. This has gone on long enough i think you'll struggle to sort it now but im sorry to say i think he has a poor attitude towards all this (and you!)

His expectation is to have a partner who will financially provide for him and facilitate his low paid job that he loves. There’s nothing wrong with that and women do it all the time.

It sounds like your expectation is to have a partner who can engage in a more equal financial relationship. Someone who can take you out on a date and more broadly, someone who can pay their own way. Someone you can build a life with without you having to do all the financial heavy lifting, with the financial pressure being shared. There’s nothing wrong with that either!

There’s no way I’d date a man who earned less than me. It wouldn’t fit the lifestyle I want. I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who can’t support himself - although I’d empathise that TA jobs are under paid. I’d provide for a husband of 20 years who has developed health issues but absolutely not for a new relationship with an able bodied man!

He’s doing really well out of this relationship. He has somewhere nice to stay 3 nights a week with food and toiletries provided. He gets to use all your fancy shower gel and shampoo. He never has to buy you a drink or take you on a date. He doesn’t need to make any effort. He can carry on doing the job he loves because you facilitate him to be able to do that. It sounds great for him!

Please ignore what I said earlier about me wanting someone who earns the same as me - I’m just wondering if you fancy women? I think it would be a good idea for you to dump him and let me take his place. I don’t fancy women but willing to change that for you. I promise I’ll bring you the odd bottle of wine every now and then and I’ll do the washing up after the lovely meals we have together that you’ve paid for. And I won’t moan if we eat the same thing a few days in a row. It would work out well for me as I could go part time at work and maybe take up creative writing or some other fun hobby.

Let me know what you think, I think we’d be great together 🤣

Honestly this is a mess.

If you want children this relationship won’t work. Only you can grow them, you don’t know how your body/mental health will be after then you will have to do the admin/budgeting for everyone, then work more while he gets to sponge off ypu to say he has an enjoyable job.

what would he say if you decided to quit and volunteer walking dogs for the RSPCA coz you wanted to enjoy your life?!

honestly, ypu get one life. Why are you paying for this overgrown pet? he should be turning up with food at least every other week. You deserve so much more.

id add it up and ask for contributions. If I have no money, I bring a flask and snacks, or avoid going out for lunch. I don’t get someone else to pay. He sounds feckless. And frankly the whole back story sounds a bit untrue, unless you’re 100% sure you’ve seen it all for yourself.

if you love each other- tell him what you need. Scale back the overnights to 1-2, no washing clothes and he brings/plans and cooks the meal every other week. If he won’t do that, he is using you. Or just a sexist who feels entitled to your free labour @Misssparkles2 .

why are you settling for this? Love isn’t finite. There are other people out there with different pros and cons. Try the talk but be prepared to hold your boundary about finances - just know that your life will always be a bit less than whilst you are with him as his lack of money controls what you can do. And his lack of drive/ skills also does.

I wouldn’t be quibbling over shower gel etc if he’s only staying 3 nights a week, I presume you want him there that often otherwise cut it down to 2. But I think it would be fine to say ‘my food budgets gone up too much for me to sustain. Let’s plan some meals together once a week and go halves on the ingredients. He should be paying for that when he’s at home anyway. If he’s reluctant then I’d see that as a massive red flag,

On the other hand you should consider if you want to be with someone who is never going to have the same amount of money for fun stuff as you, is the relationship going to work long term?

What about the summers? Can he not get a job at a holiday camp or do okay? I know he loves his job but it’s not sustainable. He can’t go in as he is now indefinitely. Unless you are willing to subsidise him this isn’t going to work. He being ‘too tired’ for a second job? Bollocks. I know people who work and get degrees after work. Or how about all of us workers who come home to children?
It seems you’ve tried several times to get him to address this. Time for an ultimatum- and stick to it! He either sorts himself out financially NOW or it’s over.

If a woman posted on here that she was working as a TA and debating taking a lower paid job while living with debt that she was ignoring and taking money from her landlord and her partner wasn't happy about having to pay for everything as they weren't earning enough to subsidise themselves, while she didn't like having to eat repeat meals at the partners house. She too would be told get another job that pays better, refinance your debt to lower interest, get a second job. This is an adulting situation where you don't get to choose what you want to do, sometimes you have to do the things you need to do.
Go look at the money matters board when people ask for advice on debt, you're not going to see many suggestions of take a lower paid job and keep asking your landlord to give you money when they're already subsidising you with lower rental payments

This
And I wonder if it would be the same if it was the other way around?
I know several relationships where the male partner earns significantly more than the woman and thats a accepted as OK

Thank you - I said exactly the same. He's not sitting in on meetings.
He's doing something else.

He's effectively part-time and minimum wage though, as they don't work for the school holidays. It really is a low wage.

If support him he can get himself in a better financial place

Well duh. He is better off if you house and feed and clothe him.

But you aren't. You barely make enough for one person. You don't earn enough to support a man in a barely paying job who is in debt and has no intention of doing anything other than living off other people. This guy has the nerve to criticize your food.

He will never be in a better financial place except through someone else's work.

And you expecting his landlady to forgive his debt. What the fuck. She's the one putting a roof over his head when you're not and he can't even pay her full rent. He owes her money and she deserves payment.

This guy can't and won't carry his weight as a full functional adult in life.

You make an awful lot of excuses for this guy and frankly, he's a dud.

@Eudaimonia11 lol. I’m not really in to drinking wine, so will have to decline

Yep. Hes either needed in these meetings and lying about it (why?!) Or doing something else 🤷‍♀️

His whole attitude stinks in all honesty

I've spoken to a debt advisor for him as he gets depressed and doesn’t face it
This is where he lost me. I've made 2 cautious posts giving him the benefit of the doubt but no more. So you arrange his meals and cook for him, provide half his lodging for free each week including washing facilities, subsidise his living costs and have started to take on the role of sorting his life for him. You are mothering him. Why? Is this really what you want your life to be like going forward? This 'man' is not an adult. Yes of course he will get depressed about debt because it is depressing. The solution is to face up to it like an adult! Listen to all the well meaning posters on this thread coming up with solutions as to how he can supplement his income and deal with his debt - they have made more effort than he has in his 28 years FFS!
At this point I would tell him I feel like I am mothering a child rather than participating in an equal relationship and I don't want that. I'd tell him its over. If he gets to the point of no longer owing money, can cover his own living costs by himself without going into debt each month, sleeps on a bed he can share with you and is able to source and cook his own meals then I would be willing to reconsider dating at that point if you are still single.

I'd say his dream is for you to buy a place where he can cocklodge rent free. You'll pay all the bills and he'll be able to reduce his wages further. What a mess for you.

I agree. I wonder what he's up to.

It is okay if it is affordable and agreed to by both partners regardless of sex of the higher earner
But this isn't affordable and op hasn't agreed to it.
Usually the lower earning partner would also expect to take on extra domestic duties which also isn't the case here

Leave whilst you can. It's not about the female earning more than the male and how everyone would be posting differently if it was the other way around ... there is literally thread after thread after thread where the female is having to use up savings to support herself + x number of children during maternity leave, or having no idea how much DH earns and having to justify every penny spent, or how DH has traded her in for a different model and left her + x number of children penniless - so usually any thread with the OP blithely chuntering on about how her DH earns loads more than her and supports her has a giant pile on from everyone saying you need to earn your own money or you put yourself in an extremely vunerable position.

You are supporting him in doing a hobby job. This is all well and good if this is something both of you have decided upon and are happy with. This isn't the case. He has absolutely no interest in getting a better paid job and has already started to waft the 'depression' baton around just in case you begin getting tetchy about a lack of action when it comes to him getting his act together. He won't improve. Some people have get up and go and some don't. And don't have fond visions of him becoming an amazing domestic goddess house husband if you have children either as my fiver is firmly on you still doing the bulk of the housework and childcare and if you start to kick about that then you'll get a few whacks from that baton because he'll be too tired to do it or struggling and you will need to support him more ... whilst working full time and still doing the lion share of the housework, childcare and life admin.

Don't have him move in either. Once again, there are a gazillion threads on here on the Perils (and Vast Expense) of the Cocklodger. Unless you are perfectly happy (which you don't seem to be) to support this man financially, physically (I notice it's always you doing the cooking and housework) and mentally forever and a day then I suggest you end the relationship before you a) get pregnant b) he moves in or c) you invest so much time and effort that you are unwilling to suck up the sunk costs by ending it.