Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

I don’t like my job. But at the end of the day, I need a roof over my head and food on the table. I’d imagine that there are lots of us who don’t do our passion for a living, but accept that we have adult responsibilities and act accordingly.

And there we have it @Misssparkles2 . An entitled man child who is only interested in what he wants, not what he needs.
He wants an easy life doing only what he loves. Wouldn't we all? If you're happy to carry on working hard, taking all financial responsibility regardless of what you might love to do and making every excuse under the sun for his selfish approach to life - crack on.
I'm guessing you might find this behaviour and attitude a lot less lovable over time though...

I was like this for a while when I moved out of home into my own place, I really had no money, it was either eat or have heating, and I started getting into debt just to pay the rent.

So as well as my full time mon-fri job, I got a second job on a Saturday, and I also did extra work in the evenings delivering leaflets etc, anything I could do in the hours I had left to make money, eventually, I got a better Mon-Fri job, paid off the debt and got my shit together basically.

It is absolutely fair enough that he loves his job and wants to continue doing it, but he needs to work in the other hours that he has too to afford him that luxury.

I honestly couldn't be with anyone who is happy to languish while other people to pick up the tab, if it has never occurred to him to work more to better his situation.. then I'd sack it off now to honest, as you will be carrying him forever.

You have been forewarned @Misssparkles2 . He's a future cocklodger .

Sounds like you’re financially incompatible??
do you see marriage and or children in the future ? Would you be happy paying for 80/90% of all that too ? Taking small amount of mat leave etc etc doesn’t sound like he’d support you and children at all ?

He’s not living in the real world, spending more than he earns (even with you subsidising him), refusing to get a second job “unless it’s one he loves” and with no life plan from what you’ve said. By contrast, you come across as practical and focused, with some clear goals. I don’t think you’re compatible long term TBH

He’s taking you for a ride. You’ve got mug written all over you. Do not have him move in.

Oh lovely. Take it from a middle-aged woman who has seen this too many times. This man will drag you down, suck you dry and then move on to the next meal-ticket without a backward glance. It's sad about his mum, but it's not your job to replace her. Find someone who doesn't think the world owes him an easy life.

The more I think about it, I'm getting the ick second hand from his lack of taking responsibility for himself or planning for the future.

If it were me, I'd bin this man. If it's like this now, what will your future look like??? What will he do to change his circumstances? How will he try to increase his income? Does he even want to? Personally, I think you need to also be financially matched for a relationship to thrive long term.

He's one of life's passengers.

You have to accept that and him for everything that he is (assuming lots of good things as well) or you have to move him out and move on.

It's a tough choice but at least you've realised now and then can make the choice.

What you shouldn't do is plod on and hope that it will change. It probably won't.

Accept or split now.

You are in EXACTLY my situation when I was exactly your age.

You will carry this guy for many years, he will drain you until he loses all respect for you, and leave for someone who stands up for herself.

Cocklodgers like it at the start, but eventually some instinct kicks in where they resent you for not allowing the to feel like "the man".

I can't stress enough - he's NOT a team player. You deserve more.

Good god do not let him move in.

That comment about his complaints about the food which you provide for him and him not wanting to eat on repeat - that’s what we all do when we are a) working full time and b) sticking to a budget.

I fully take on board the comments that if the sexes were reversed etc, but you are both at an age to be building something for the future. But while you’re building towards owning a home and progressing in a job, he’s looking for a free ride.

And I dare say, if you are still together, you’ll be the one juggling maternity pay and the bills, while he wafts about doing fewer hours than he is now, and mumping about the menu…

No TA stays until 5pm to "look good", and I've worked with fantastic ones. They leave at the end of their contracted day (with ours it's 4.30).
He's having you on.

How about tutoring a couple or more hours a week. Not sure of the rates but 20+ an hour I believe.
Also if I was in his shoes I would definitely take on a second job.
I’m not sure he isn’t being lazy.
if he lives in the pub could he not do a couple of shifts a week towards paying off his debt. Two five hour shifts would equate to over a £100 a week and also could do extra shifts during the summer holidays or help run a play scheme.

I agree with the others saying TA's work hard and need paying more. The trouble is he can't live on the wages, so someone's got to prop him up, if it wasn't you it would be his parents I assume. I guess many of us would love to do a different job or voluntary work or something but we can't, because we have to pay the bills. Unfortunately he needs to change job. It's a horrible situation, but he can't stand on his own two feet can he. I think you need to say you can't fund him at this stage in your relationship.

Either you want a partnership with him or you don't. And it sounds like you don't.

I outearn my DH by a factor of 8. He was a v low paid job he loves. I love him so I am happy to subsidise him to keep a job that nourishes his soul. Also if kids are in the future don't sniff at one parent having a flexible term time job already built in.

He has bigger outgoings than his income. He needs to see a debt advisor like CAP and sort himself out. If he isnt willing to try that then i wouldnt stay with him.
The issue isnt that he earns less than you, its that he isnt trying to sort his financial issues out.

Surely your boyfriend needs to eat when he is at home. So he should be budgeting to provide meals. This should be transferable and could cover both of you when he is at your place. This might balance out the shower gel etc. It doesn't sound like he has a grip on life yet. He doesn't even have a bed or a grip on his day to day finances, never mind a plan to pay of his debt. I've been in big debt before when I was young and working in childcare. It was horrendous. So I got two other jobs and paid the debt off then did a degree. I was exhausted but it was only short term. He hasn't got the drive or skills to sort this out. I would just enjoy this as a casual relationship.

Sista, tell it like it is! You do not like the fact he is broke and its putting you off. You want a man that earns at least equal to you as you dont want to be his Mama. Thats completely fair enough. I know the female breadwinner works for some couples but that is clearly not you. Wouldnt be me either. Each to their own but a man without ambition is simply not attractive to me. Just own it and tell him to sort himself out or hit the road as once you settle down with this broke guy you will just get more and more resentful.

He's only getting by on the good will of others currently, you, his mum's friend. It's a hugely precarious position he's putting himself in.

You have three options OP,

1. Put up with it. He gets to stay in the job he loves, you'll keep financing because you love him.
2. He needs to increase his income. He either gets a higher paying role or a second job. It doesn't matter that he's tired! If he's tired working 9-3 playing with kids, how the blazes is he going to cope with adulting! He young. He can and should be working to clear debt and move on with life.
3. You split up. Perhaps if he's unwilling to change you are not compatible. Sometimes love is not enough.

He simply can't afford to dedicate his life to the job he loves while carrying a large amount of debt. That's sad but it's real life. It's adulting. He needs to grow the fuck up.

OP, you need to protect your own interests. Don't enable his dysfunctional relationship with real life.

People would want to pay a teacher, not a TA.
However, I know brilliant TAs who earn extra money with holiday clubs etc