Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

He needs to live at his and do his own laundry however he was doing it before he met you. End of.

listen Jack if you want to stay here 3 nights a week, you need to contribute my rent is £300 and therefore you need to pay slightly less but 50% of all groceries so I think a contribution to me of £500 a month is reasonable. You need to pay for water, heating, food , water bottles and meals etc ok it’s not fair that I’m paying - you either pay your way or you don’t stay and you still have to pay eg food etc I can’t afford you.

It is more than shower gel that's the problem
Would you like to move a man into your house who has £35k of debt who doesn't want to work enough hours to even earn the full time minimum wage despite being young and healthy, who wants to change jobs to an even lower paid job. He takes money from his land lady who is already charging him low rent to help him out, he uses his landlady's card to pay for food and petrol. This man is just using the resources of everyone around him while he can't be bothered to do anything to improve his own financial situation. He won't accept buying cheaper clothing because he likes brands. Then he needs to earn enough money to afford it. What do you think he's bringing to the relationship except for driving to ops house

He should be making a packed lunch to save money.

He definitely can work a second job. I'm twice his age, a TA and also have a part time evening job.

Buy some really cheap shower gel and leave that in the bathroom and hide the nice stuff.

"50% of all groceries"

What? He's not there 50% of the time. And if she does need to charge him it should be what he actually costs her. He can then charge her for his travel time if she's going to be that petty.

He should buy more clothes of course.

I couldn't do this! Is he a princess? Just doing a job because he loves it is great, but its the moolah at the end of the day isn't it? Imagine having children - he would definitely be the house husband, Maybe you’re ok with that??

This relationship can’t work long term. A TA isn’t going to earn enough for you to live on while you go on mat leave.

If he loves the life why doesn’t he train to be a primary school teacher? He’s taking the mick, even if he doesn’t mean to.

He needs to realise his choice to be low waged is being subsidised and for him it’s a luxury. Your relationship with him doesn’t have a future unless he earns more as you will always be broke and resentful.

Taking a lower paid job which he loves is a luxury reserved for someone who has savings to rely upon. Not to go all Monty Python but I worked 14 hours a day every single day in my 20s and early
30s and could then afford to take some time for myself.

I always chat to my supermarket delivery people (largely men but some girls too) and they are invariably doing a course plus the job OR two jobs and some even three. I feel for them but I also have huge respect for them.

They are ambitious and hardworking and will get there. In fact rather like you OP - you’ve done well and will go places. Don’t be held back.

I haven’t read all of this, apologies if what I’m about to say has already been said, and replied to. But it seems to me this is about what he wants and doesn’t want. And people around him are supporting this, ie his Mums friend lent him money, you are there making his life easier, he’s doing a job he loves, all fine & dandy, but sometimes in life as adults we have to do things we don’t want to do, simply because we must! In the great scheme of things, this job of his is not fit for purpose! He’s cadging off you, which in fact makes his life one heck of a lot more convenient, BUT he’s not paying for that convenience! He needs to man up and get a job that pays better!

He’s got a damm cheek really…..using your stuff, using your things without attempting to replace or renew! He’s in an adult world acting like a teenager, and getting away with it, to your detriment.

Feeling as you currently are there’s no way he’d be staying at mine 3 nights a week and not making any contribution, I mean doesn’t he have any sort of conscience being constantly on the take?

He could help himself if he wanted to. People give away bed frames.
he doesn’t have to stay longer in school. In fact, he can’t afford it.
he could take a second job.
he could buy cheaper clothes.
basically, he cannot afford the lifestyle he has, and definitely not the one he wants or thinks he should have, and is using you to provide for him.
he is not going to change. Why would he? You are an excellent provider - he treats you like a free hotel with sex thrown in.
wake up and get rid. He is draining your resources and energy and will continue to do so for as long as he can… he is using your washing machine so much because… wouldn’t it be easier if you bought him some more clothes? But not cheap ones please, he doesn’t like them…

I don’t think people would mind if the man was trying to improve his situation, by getting a second job to pay off his debts, or look for a higher paid job. However, he plans to reduce his hours! Also, he doesn’t seem to contribute to cooking meals etc.

Also, if the wife is a TA, it’s usually because she’s looking after the children, doing the housework, preparing meals, life admin etc.

Oh OP, open your eyes and take off the rose tinted spectacles. This is not the man for you. You need an equal in all respects, not just financially although that is a biggie. Men like this don't change or step up. They just go on to find a (another) vulnerable person to leech off. If he has no physical or mental impairments then of course he can get a better job, he's just spinning you the job satisfaction line to stop you questioning it. Also, the set up at the pub is highly suss - in debt to her but she's still lending money, come on.

i bet the teachers are completely pissed off with him. He undermines them, thinks he is some god given nurturing hero. He is deeply narcissistic and creating unhealthy relationships. Doing the job better than qualified teachers my arse. “Save children”? Who the fuck does he think he is? Jesus?

He should be working for free at the pub to work his debt off. He will not be tired after work. He sits in silence in a room a day for not much money. He isn’t providing value. He just thinks he does-and wants to take a pay cut so he can nurture more? He can’t afford to.

and what if you did have a child with him-how are you going to manage maternity leave? You will have to return to work and he will be off with the baby having a cushty life nurturing it, whilst he continues to sponge off you like the cocklodger he is. Cocklodger with you, cocklodger with his landlady. Leave him to it.

pass the sick bag, he gives me the ick. Respect nil. Ditch. There are literally millions of better men.

We’ve had a chat and it’s basically not going to get any better

Well he can’t afford his job and he’ll have to think again!

Doesn't he get UC though? All the TAS at my school claim UC to top up their crappy pay to quite a decent living salary.

I hadn’t realised that the upper limit for a DRO is now £50k.

Sounds perfect for him as one of the conditions is that you may have to pay your creditors if you earn more but he’s planning to earn less —whilst sponging off the OP—

How did the conversation go?

Really? Do none of them have partners on higher salaries?
UC and 'decent living salary' don't really belong in the same sentence.
They will also have very few assets.

So what’s your plan?

He understood where I was coming from and confirmed that he’s in a low place mentally and because of it, he is selfish. That is why he basically does what makes him feel happy so he can feel better about his mental state

He understood how I was feeling and why I can’t wait around for him to sort himself out. Overall I said I’ve worked hard to be where I am today and I want a certain life an I can’t afford to be stagnant at this age. And he said if the roles where reversed he would do the same as me too

I buy deionised water, sometimes I get the fancy lavender scented one, costs 1.99EUR for 5 litres. I'm not faffing around filtering water for ironing.

No they are mostly single.

This can't be real. Shower gel? Jesus Christ.

At least he’s upfront about it. He’s not even going to try.

You can do so much better. Don’t be his crutch.

He should want you BOTH to have a pleasant life and work to contribute equally...this inertia is just no good OP