Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

Swap the genders and the OP probably wouldn’t have some care of a toddler.

So @Misssparkles2 , but so far as I can see he is a bit like a pet. You are keeping him and he is realistically never going to be able to contribute, or does he even want to. I’d be embarrassed to be I’m, but I guess we’re all different and he is on to a sweet deal here.

I think the comparisons with women on low wages is false, as in these cases the women would be basically running the house so there would be some contribution, he’s not doing anything and is complaining about meal prep- that would properly piss me off #choosingbeggar.

I get you love him but honestly the resentment is only going to grow. Let it go now or he will drain you.

Oh gosh, that is very sad & must have been very traumatic. It probably also still does affect him & has knock on effects on is life. Has he ever had counselling?

OP, you have things sorted and he does. His version of sorted is very different to yours.

I’d stop paying for stuff, get out the cheap toiletries and tell him to dip his hand in his pocket if he’s washing his clothes.

He’s chosen a low paid job but you’re paying for it.
If you can afford it and are happy to support him for ever then go for it. (I have a couple of friend who each married men with low paying jobs and had no ambition to climb the career path).

But if not, tell him he needs to pay his way as you can’t afford to. His reaction will tell you how much of a lovely guy he really is.

"he would be doing a much better job than the qualified people"

Doubt it, I'm a fully qualified teacher and I can still get my arse in gear and be sitting here marking exams for the exam board for a bit of pocket money to pay for my summer jollies.

So I take it he works 6 hours a day for 38 weeks of the school year. That averages out at a working week of around 24 hours. Maybe if he matched you with another 12 hours, then he could probably afford something.

Also, he's either working in the weirdest reflection room ever or he's having you on. They're not very nice by design. We don't want the kids wanting to go there because that would encourage them to misbehave.

I thought it was ringing a bell 😂
OP really, time to let him get on with it and live your best life.

And he hasn’t done a thing to improve his situation since the last thread.

@Misssparkles2 so what would he do if he didn’t have you? He can’t expect you to subsidise him. He needs to sort himself out. He is an adult and you are not his parent? He is cherry picking. Love his job? Not want to get another? How
will he pay his way then? And he could manage if he sorted his debts. He needs to get an evening job temporarily and deal with this mess. Only consider living together when he has taken responsibility.

"he would be doing a much better job than the qualified people”

Along with all his nonsense about nurturing this mentality reveals something unpleasant about his ego.

Out of curiosity, how many "reverse the sexes so I can be outraged at how badly I imagine you all treat a person who doesn't exist in a scene that didn't happen in a situation I made up" posts have there been now? It's not as many as the number of posters who pilloried a woman yesterday for wanting men to pay for her on dates but it's still high enough to be really fugging irritating.

If you're all so used to spaces of perfect objective justice that transcend their demographics, I don't know why you aren't all spending your valuable time there instead. The real DUBBLE STANDARDZ are in the fact you all come here to moralise and finger wag because there are so few female-oriented spaces. If you want to fight the noble fight against online sexism there are a zillion places you'd be far better to start with, they're all male oriented and I expect you know them intimately.

And anyway, it's established now that this guy is as much of a pillock as OP's opening post suggested, so stop bawling on at a young single mother about what victims men are because of this thread and support her in getting away from this guy before her life gets ruined.

I thought that too. Shower gel is about £2, a drop of ironing water £2. The occasional use of the washing machine ... pence. Some sheets of toilet paper ... £1

you say you earn double what he does, so that surely can't be breaking the bank.

No, I don’t think it’s that. Op earns a decent wage, and has a standard of living she’s worked hard for. However, buy having to buy extra toiletries, food, washing powder etc, her budget has been squeezed, so her little luxuries such as a coffee out are no longer viable, and she’s beginning to resent this.

OP you need to end this relationship. You're not financially compatible. Why would you tie yourself to someone who has mountains of debt and who is isn't doing enough to address it?

And I use ironing water too, because our water kills irons in no time.

Marry me.

The boyfriend gets £1400 if op is paid twice his wage she's getting £2800 a month and has her house to pay for and a toddler to support. £2800 isn't enough to be throwing money at a man who can't be arsed to do anything to support himself. It's the cumulative effect, a few £s here and there, an extra £15 on the electricity bill, £10 on a coffee and sandwich for him etc etc soon adds up when you're already financially supporting yourself and a child

Well done you! For being determined to build your own empire aged 25, what you have achieved so far is very admirable.

It must have been, and still be very traumatic for your boyfriend to lose his mum in such a tragic way. I do wonder if his passion for his job and wanting to spend time, unpaid, with the disruptive children after school resonates with him, as some of those children may hold their own trauma.

I'm reading between the mumsnet lines here so may be wrong, but both you and his friends mum do seem to have taken on a rather motherly role, in the way he is looked after by you both.

You are still so young OP, and it sounds like you are building a really positive life for you and your child (amazing role model!).

If you visualise your life in 5 years time, are you supporting him financially and still able to build the life you want?
it's not about wanting a man who pays for you, you sound more than capable of looking after yourself. But becoming responsible for another adults income and debt, no matter how kind they are, is a game changer and can impact everything you have worked for.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

A Cocklodger can absolutely be a lovely man.
They can be kind and nurturing and appreciative and warm and have all the qualities of a lovely person, but they are still a cocklodger, because they are not contributing anything of value to the relationship except for their personality and their body.
The way you say he is a lovely man, he's not horrible etc gives me the impression that you think a cocklodger would be an obviously horrible person.
More often than not, this isnt the case.

They tend to gravitate towards independent responsible people who will take care of them, feel bad for them that they have so little or nothing at all, people who empathise with their situation, people who want to fix their problems for them.
From all of your posts, you appear to have taken on this role, you feel bad for him, you have tried to help him sort his debt out, you deal with the stuff he cant face.

Just for a moment, look at this situation in the cold light of day.
You have a bf who could help himself by communicating with his landlady to pay the debt back over a longer period of time, but chooses not to.
He could get another job, but chooses not to.
He could look into a DRO, but you had to do that for him.
He has no motivation to change anything because, and I mean this kindly, the situation suits him, no matter what he tells you.
If he was truly suffering, he would toss his principles of only working at jobs he loves straight out of the window.
He has a landlady that hands over cash whenever he needs it and you who provides him with a nice standard of living, and all he has to do is play the 'woe is me' part.
Unfortunately too many women who are themselves nurturing, fall for this little boy lost act and become the equivalent to his mother.
OP, he wont change in the foreseeable future. Possibly never. The only thing that will motivate him to change is when well meaning women stop giving him handouts.
Despite what he tells you, if he wanted to change his financial situation, he absolutely would. He would contact people, he would speak to his landlady, he would sort it.
The fact that he doesnt, but is happy to watch you running around trying to sort it for him is a very clear message. He doesnt want to change anything. He just wants you to go along with it for as long as you will.
Stop making it complicated and overthinking why he does what he does and what you can say or how you can say it so he understands.
He understands perfectly well.
Stop wasting your breath and energy trying. Nothing you do or say is going to make him change.
The only conversation you need to have with him is to tell him that the relationship isnt working for you anymore. No explanations, just that it doesnt work for you anymore. Goodbye.
Job done!

Why doesn't she go to his then? Someone being around three evenings a week shouldn't be THAT expensive and she has an option of which shower gel to make available. She's being quite petty.

To be fair it’s normally the man who happens to be the highest wage earner and no one questions it because it’s the norm.
Are you sure you are not just put out because in society the man is expected to earn more?
You need to look at longer term goals and if that only involves a partner who earns the same or more than you he’s probably not the right one for you.

OP I'm late 30s and earn five times as much as my partner. I mean it's not ideal but the difference with my partner is:
-He doesn't expect me to pay for things for him
-He lives effectively off his low salary (which I would assume is similar to your partners) and even saves
-He even books and pays for dates
-He helps significantly around the house and helps with my son
-He's about to move in and will pay rent and bills (although less than me)

I think the problem with your partner is he seems extremely bad with his small amount of money and seems to lack basic life skills by the sounds of things, whereas you're very mature for your age and good with money, and earn more. I'd say there's a difference in your values and abilities which means you're picking up his slack.

I'm also confused and concerned about this situation with the woman he lives with as it sounds kind of like debt slavery. He doesn't sound very clued up or able to look after himself - not saying you should.

You just filter hard water. No need for special ironing water.

Presumably because she has a child to look after and he has a mattress on the floor and not even a real bed. He would probably expect her to order in takeaway and pay for it if he is renting a room above a pub and doesn't have a kitchen and has no money that he won't even buy a coffee when they're out

If this is the actual issue: put him a drawer together for when he stays. New pack of pants and socks, deodorant, toothbrush, etc. Stops him stealing your stuff, and also prevents the washing as much.
Buy some cheaper 'boy smelling' shower gel and tell him you've got him some shower gel because he's there so often.
If you're bothered about the hand wash, get a cheap one and swap it for your expensive one before he comes round, and save the fancy one for when you're home alone.
Maybe you could try cooking in a different way, so if you're bulk cooking pasta sauce, you portion it up, and he just gets more pasta (as it's cheaper), and the one portion of sauce.

Have you actually tried to get him to contribute, in a real way (so not, that wash cost 43p, send me it), but stuff like 'can you pick up a pizza for dinner on your way over tonight?' or 'can you grab some loo roll and handwash on the way over tomorrow'?

TBH, if you're genuinely resenting him for like, less than £10 a week spending on him, it's likely you're actually resenting a lot of other stuff and it may not work out long term. I'd sit down with him and discuss your actual feelings, and discuss ways he could contribute more in ways that aren't financial, and then discuss his finances and his goals, and your priorities in the relationship and figure out a plan.
It may be that he's happy to cook dinner for you both at least two of the nights he stays, or that he always does the washing up and hoovers, and cleans the bathroom every week. It may be that he's prioritising paying off his debt so he can actually make more of a plan to move in etc. If you're resenting paying for dates, discuss with him and he can plan some free/ really low cost stuff (film nights at home, long walk, picnic, beach day) and prioritise quality time with you over what you're actually doing.

This really reads atm as 'you like to have 'nicer stuff' more than you like to have your boyfriend around' which doesn't seem like a healthy relationship!

Ok so he's the one who has to always make the effort to go to hers. That's not necessarily taking advantage just because he uses a bit of shower gel.

And I sleep on a mattress too. It's not a problem unless you have some humidity between it and the floor, which I never have.