Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

Is someone paying all these "reverse the gender" idiots?

Must be. So predictable.

In your other thread you said
"has anyone else been the female breadwinner and how have you made it work especially as he’s not going to want to be a SAHD and can’t change hours?"

This is not a partner or a good father. He doesnt want to support himself, so how will he support a family?

He also has been taking it upon himself to save some children when the teachers in the role have made other decisions. I have questioned if he’s doing it because he felt like he needed help as a child or if it’s because it makes him feel good to be like a hero

I’m really surprised people haven’t picked up on how inappropriate this is. An adult man going out of his way to create the image of being nurturing while exploiting people financially rings alarm bells for me.

And now you know he’s been lying about being in meetings with the “big dogs”.

I’ve only just caught up about your having a child! And this inadequate is staying in your home half the week with full access privileges?
I’m sure everything I’d list here about the huge errors you have made and are compounding has already been said, but OP, if you don’t give yourself a proper shake and get out from under this totally inappropriate* affair PDQ, you will next find yourself in some solicitor’s office co-signing a small mortgage with him.
Even marrying him too, swiftly followed (or probably preceded) by a pregnancy you had not wanted, and with him no nearer substantial employment and even farther from contributing in any way at all to the running of the household.
In his mind there’ll be a refrain of ‘Game, set, and match!’

I really don’t care at all for the sound of his work at that school. To put obstacles in his own path to any other work because he would rather hang around, unpaid, every hour the place is open, often in groups or actions he has no business with, reads as seriously consternating behaviour to me.

Clearly there’s an element of ‘Any man is better than none’ going on here, but you couldn’t be more misguided.
You declare that he’d make a great father, mainly because ‘nurturing’ seems to be his every second word. Clever of him. On the strength of your description here, he’d be a terrible father! What are you seeing that gives you any such idea?
And what of your child right now? What are you teaching them, bringing this user into their life, and showing tolerance and admiration for such shoddy treatment of you?
(But they’ll get a great education in exploiting the resources and weaknesses of others in order to do bugger all themselves: their teenage years will be Hell on you)

,

You will find a good partner OP.
You sound sensible and caring.
It is hard to let go but this man shouldn't be in a relationship with anybody.
You will find a partner you can rely on in hard times and help in hard times.
You don't want to be the one always helping and being relied upon.
Take care

You have a child and you’re letting this user into your life? As MN would say does he have a golden cock (penis)? Because he sure as hell isn’t bringing much else to the table. Do not move him in.

If earning more/promotion doesn't interest him, WHY is he staying after his paid hours to "look good"? That's absolutely insane - what is he even doing when he stays behind?

Are you the one who posted before, about a TA boyfriend who stayed for hours most nights for meetings he wasn't supposed to attend because they weren't paid hours?

I had the same thoughts about the "nurturing" stuff. Something is a bit off.

It's total BS. He's not "saving" children from teachers' decisions. What nonsense.

Exactly. Incredibly uncomfortable reading.
This story is not the whole (or possibly even the real) story, and poor OP is in for some unwelcome discoveries, I’d bet.

@Misssparkles2

'he basically sits in on meetings with the big dogs that he doesn’t need to be in.'

I recognise this line, you've written about this before - perhaps under a different name.
Tho I do see you have 2 threads re him in April.

He’s a piss taker, OP. I can’t believe he’s even considering taking a pay cut when he can’t afford to live on his salary as it is. Wants to be more nurturing 🙄. He should be working a second job and during the school holidays too, if he loves his job as much as he proclaims. Surely he knows he can’t carry on like this, so I’m assuming he thinks you’ll be his meal ticket.

Well bloody hell, having your young child in the equation changes everything! Ditch the man, he's nothing but a drain on you and your finances when you clearly have a much bigger priority.

I'm amazed you've even entertained him for as long as you have when he's taking your time, energy and money away from your child.

Agree, he'd get more money as a car park attendant, his job is supervising by the sound of it, presumably while sitting down; whereas actual TAs are run off their feet. "Nurturing" is not quite the right description.

Quite.

He’s gaining your losing , ask him to by those things, he must have done before.?
or stay at his

Oh lord another young single mother allowing a man to use her, her home while she funds him.

You are being used and you really need to cop on, grow up and stop allowing this parasite use you.

I bet he wants a child with you🙄.
Think of the poor child you have.

Paying for a boyfriend is neither normal, nor healthy.

Put your child first.
He has an idiot made of you.

He is a freeloader, you will have no quality of life if you stay with him.

Walk away, focus on your child not the manbaby.

You wonder how he's viewed within the school if this is how he goes on.

He could get some part time work, deliveroo driver etc if he cared about the problem. He doesn’t and wants you to find him. It’s pathetic.

Wants to live the life he wants but cannot afford, with you making up for the financial shortfall.
As long as you are there providing, he won't make changes to support himself.

My ex was "too ill" with MH issues to work, got shunted out when his mum and stepdad down sized and signed a 12 month lease on a flat he could NOT afford. Both parents said they couldn't help him financially, so i was just expected to. I was semi long distance and only saw him one overnight a week, at his place as he couldn't travel either.
I was never asked if i was able or willing, just emotional;ly manipulated by his breakdowns into paying.

I was expected to pay:
£15 a month for his council tax short fall.
£50 a month for his mobile contract (couldn't cancel or reduce)
£30 for his new internet 12 month contract
All of his food and drink, he refused to drink anything but branded Coca Cola at £20 a week, and wouldn't cook, only microwave ready meals at £3 a pop for dinner (another £20 a week) and then meal deals for lunch at least half the days, plus all sorts of snacks. Weekly shop averaged £60, then at least £15 a week for top ups from his local co-op.
He liked a coffee machine latte in bed each morning too, at about £10 a week
All household essentials like loo roll, washing up liquid, paper towels, and his toiletries like shampoo, shower gel etc.
£10 a pop for the laundrette, the one thing his mum was supposed to do for him, but she regularly "wasn't up to it" so it would go weeks, til he had literally nothing clean, then he'd call me wanting me to amazon prime him new clothes as he needed them next day. Not the cheap basic brand stuff tho!

I was spending/sending at least £300 a month, and on top of that he'd coerce me into buying him things like new videogames, by guilt tripping about how hes so depressed, he really wants it, it would improve his MH as its something to do and enjoy. Any time i changed the subject he'd bring it back repeatedly, knowing my past with financial abuse and that i'd crack.

I didn't want to pay for any of it, im disabled on a fixed low income and couldn't afford it without my dad taking over some of my bills. I absolutely resented him and his mum for forcing me into that position, but he threatened to kill himself if i didn't pay as he wouldn't cope homeless etc.

I left him in february, at almost £6k down over 18 months. He moved in his mums glorifed cupboard second bedroom in her caravan, and within 2 months, has a full time job and bought a pedigree puppy. When i brought up being paid back, i got blocked.

Exactly. He won't be there for long, that's for sure.

He probably just sits there messing around on his phone.