Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

@Misssparkles2 my dn is a TA and works another job one day at weekends to supplement her income.

The sob story about his mum. So he has no other family?

My brother’s friend who works in film tv industry met a rich American woman he’s now engaged to but he still works, and the woman provides the main finance for their life (her choice). Sadly before he met her his brother committed suicide and then the friend got cancer which is now in remission but he lived in USA for a while for treatment. He knows he’s lucky to be with her but isn’t a cocklodger, he’s a very nice man and not with her for her money.

This would give me a huge ick. The whole situation. His friend’s mum has him over a barrel there doesn’t she?

Why do you think he would make a good dad? Good fathers do not run up huge debt, add more to it, and refuse to find a better paid job whilst insisting on more expensive treats and clothes paid for by somebody else. Good fathers are prepared to take on and keep jobs they don't like for the sake of supporting their family. Is he the role model you would want for your children?

"I can see beauty in him and I wish he would step up but stepping up is scary. No one fends for me and I can say it’s hard and scary when everything depends on you and your input to life.
I am getting to the point of it’s actually better to give myself a good shot find someone similar to me. It would also take the burden off of me. I just need to find the courage as sad as it sounds to call it off and walk away"

I feel for you so much OP, I've never read anything more similar to my life when I was 25.

I saw the beauty in mine too, I worshipped him.

I'm sorry to say, it was my childhood longing for a parent/saviour that I hadn't processed.

When you say "no one fends for me", I guessed as much. Sadly you have to fend for you.

Please listen to that instinct saying you want a better life. Finding that courage may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but you're very clearly a strong person.

I have read your updates OP. From the outside I think you are putting the bulk into this relationship and he is getting most out. I see nothing wrong with thinking about financials and encouraging you to do so, but it is not just about money. It is also the term that we older women talk about called "mental load". So, if you look to buy a house going forward, who will be doing the work to plan for and achieve this? Will that be you or him? Where you get to the bumps in the road which happen for everyone, who will be getting round them. Will that be you or him? Domestically who does the majority of the work? That sounds like you at the moment. Will that get better? Relationships are a partnership. I think you are a very uneven partner.

If the situations were reversed and this were a man with a partner who did not earn much, had debts and seemed very happy with this position, I would similarly be urging caution.

I couldn't understand why you were going out with somebody so needy until you said you had a child.
So many women, not just you , seem to lack confidence when they have a child and just cling on to any man who will have them.
Raise your standards.
This man is in no position to be in a relationship with anybody.
You are so young, you should be out having fun.
Why would you put yourself through a relationship with somebody so messed up
You need a man with the same goals as you have, buy a house etc and that is not with a man who can't look after himself

You are the financial provider, emotional support AND you do all the cookign and cleaning...?

Woman! Come on now...

Maybe he’s a nice/good guy in some ways but you’re clearly not compatible. He’s 28 years old. Stop trying to “fix him” and find someone who doesn’t need fixing.

im being stupid and I know it. I can see beauty in him and I wish he would step up

He's not going to do that so if that's what you are waiting for you are wasting your life.

Run!
He owes his current landlord thousands?
Don’t be next in line.
I appreciate that established couples often have one much higher earner, but normally the lower paid one ( if they work less hours) covers more of the household chores, childcare, etc. AND they both need to agree about the finances. He’s not doing anything with his spare time to make things easier for you. If you’ve slipped into subsidising him at this early stage, when you don’t even live together, what will it be like in another 1.5 years?

Maybe he’s a nice/good guy in some ways but you’re clearly not compatible. He’s 28 years old. Stop trying to “fix him” and find someone who doesn’t need fixing.

Given the cost of living at this point and the ages and situations here and the fact that OP has a young child, yes. Love doesn't pay the bills.

She can't afford to support a man on a really low wage or no wage. She needs her money for her kid.

Now add in the man has 5 figure debt from extremely irresponsible financial decisions.

Then add in he stays late at school rather than come home and watch her child while she works. And this is what he claims is nurturing.

No, this guy is not a viable life partner, he's another child and he's already a financial drain. She can't fix him and she's already trying. She's drifting into codependency.

Women do get badmouthed for making the tough financial decisions and daring to look at the financial picture of their prospective life partners. But one of the biggest reasons marriages fail is financial.

No, she can't afford to support some massively in debt loser who won't even watch her kid and wants to lock in with another kid he can't support is a no brainer though. Can you imagine if she had a kid, they split, and she had to pay child support because he looks for the lowest wage jobs around?

There is no reason he couldn't work evenings 7pm to 11pm and weekends during the day. He has no responsibilities and is very very lazy. That is why he has no money and owes the landlady thousands. He will always be lazy. Boot him out today.

@Misssparkles2 Please do find 'the courage to be disliked'. He's riding the crest of a wave he's not paying for. He's in debt, but not likely to get out of it because he likes nice things. He's relying on other people's guilt to fund his lifestyle. What is it you actually love about him? It's easy to be nice when life's a permanent beach. Please don't end up angry, resentful and broke. Yes, find someone whose values and work ethic are more akin to yours.

I do really feel for your boyfriend, with his mom killing herself. I think he needs counselling. Poverty lowers your iq. You don't make as good decisions. Obviously your bf would be better off picking up a shift or two and not being so hopelessly broke. Even if it's not forever, he needs to make a short or medium term sacrifice to earn more and get out of debt. He might feel happier once he does.

He also needs another outfit, hell look weird wearing the same thing everyday.

He’s selfish, but because he’s got a gentle and “nurturing” manner (with others, not with you), you can’t see it.

Exactly, it's not a nurturing role at all, it's supervising those excluded from lessons. He just has to sit in the room. He's doesn't do anything else with the behaviour management, he has no pastoral role beyond this. If he wanted to, he could do some online training between 3 and 5pm to increase his hours and pay and take on a pastoral role if he wants one

So, so many people have shitty lives. It’s a sad fact of life. But most still know they’re responsible for their own lives, so even if they don’t want to, they get up and do stuff.

@Misssparkles2

”I am getting to the point of it’s actually better to give myself a good shot find someone similar to me. It would also take the burden off of me. I just need to find the courage as sad as it sounds to call it off and walk away”

What a refreshing paragraph to read, and well done. I think in the long run, you’ll be happier, and you’ll realise you’ve dodged a bullet. I’m sure he’s got lots of admirable qualities, and there’s elements of his personality you like, but being your life partner isn’t one if them.

Good luck in finding your inner courage and moving forward.

And in any case, OP is not responsible of what happened to him. It’s not her fault. She’s responsible (or should be) to her child only.

OP, consider what role model you’re bringing into your home. Think of your child and the life you have the potential to give them.

You think people would think differently if a man wrote in complaining that he was the breadwinner, emotional support and did all the cooking and cleaning and did not want that.

Really?

M&S shirts 3 pack £49, pair of trousers £28 - no excuse not to have more clothes. That is just odd. Consolidate outside debt, sell car, get a moped or (electric) bike, stack shelves or work in a pub at weekends. How much is rent? How much is car finance? You haven't answered those with details. Easier to advise you if you do.

Quite. I find I can't help but read this type of thread in reverse with the genders swapped and imagine the replies then...

The replies would be the same.

But it shouldn't be on OP to answer these questions or try to solve these problems for him. If he can't find an affordable way to dress himself in clean clothes what hope is there?

He should be the one actively coming up with the solutions, getting a repayment plan sorted, clearing the debt to the landlady, not borrowingany more from her, finding more or better work.... he's not, he's just coasting.