We shy away from talking about, even thinking about money in case it’s shallow, or we’re gold diggers but our primary relationship (whether we marry or not) is the biggest financial decision we ever make, and we should look very carefully at it.
Rather than focusing on the numbers, look at what the behaviours tell you. He can’t help being broke but being inconsiderate, or selfish is something else. Lots of people accumulate debt in their early 20s, but some people become financially wiser from the experience. What do his choices tell you about his financial acumen and how compatible are his money ethics and yours? Is he responsible and honourable within his means?
If he will never be a decent earner, is this something you can absorb or not? You’re not a bad person if the answer is no. Just as you will have made choices at university, and applying for jobs with the wage potential in mind.
Think about what your behaviours say about you too? That’s not your make you feel guilty or cut you down - it’s just that it’s very important to be clear sighted, and not bury your head in the sand because money feels uncomfortable.
I was the lower earner, at the beginning of our relationship and it’s something that can be uncomfortable on both sides. We were at different life stages. My friends and I ate out on early bird deals, bought the cheap seats in the nosebleeds, travelled by buses, or walked, stayed in youth hostels or sofa surfed and were generally living the life of students/early graduates, finding our feet. Dh wasn’t willing to do any of that, so being in a relationship with me and spending time in ways I couldn’t afford, cost him money.
When we moved in together, he liked the house warm, and I would have put on a jumper and filled a hot water bottle. I was shocked the first time I saw his utility bills. I didn’t know they could be that high. I was trying to contribute fairly but there was no way I could have managed 50%.
I found that the financial inequality, spilled into our relationship creating a power imbalance. A lot of little things were decided by him, and I found myself compensating by taking on household tasks, cooking meals to balance eating out etc. Ultimately that set us on a path where my career was continually on the back foot in the long run.
We loved each other and made it work but the financial disparity put a stress into the relationship that had impacts on both sides. It’s as much a reason as any other to re consider a relationship, and tbh if I could go back in time I’d tell my younger self to slow things down a lot, and build my career for a couple more years.