Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

Ask yourself if he hadnt have met you would he be training for higher paid jobs?

I think he would be. Your helping him live the dream.

The first house i bought i had a neighbour who had a well paid government job.

She met a man he moved in they got wed he worked low hours as a minibus driver for special needs children.

When she was working he was sunning himself in the garden in the summer in winter down the local pubs enjoying himself.

After 6 years he vanished she then told people they were getting divorced.

I heard he now lives with a much older woman who owns a big house.

You mention he doesn't drink anymore. Was there a time he drank too much?

I'm just thinking what other red flags he hasn't ticked yet.

If I was your sister OP I'd be beside myself. What do your friends and family make of it?

Don't get involved with a man who has debt that he isn't able to work his way out of. If he has unresolved debt from his 20s and he's now 28... he needs to find work that allows him to pay it off and stop sponging and borrowing.

That he isn't able to budget and sort his shit out doesn't bode well for his future. He should be doing everything he can to get back on track, taking on extra work / tutoring etc.

Let this one go, there is better out there!

So the landlady and the OP are raising an eternal teenager. You both need to kick him out and write off the financial losses as a lesson learned.

How can you possibly find this man child loser sexually attractive?

There are so many red flags I don't know where to start, but something you mentioned that that may seem innocuous to others but that sent a shiver down my spine, was him asking you what's for dinner and then turning his nose up at the thought of eating the same thing. Asking what's for dinner and then rejecting what's offered, like it's your responsibility to feed him, is one of the ways that manipulative men train their partners to wait on them hand and foot. Even if that's not what's going on with him, don't you find it a massive turn off?

If he moves in with you, I suspect you'll find he turns out to be another child for you to be responsible for.

To put your relationship into a simple pros and cons list-

Cons-
He earns £1400 a month and is hoping to move jobs to decrease this
Owes £30k in consumer debt and has defaulted on his debts so will have a horrendous credit score for a long time, scuppering any chances of joining you on a mortgage
He owes £5k to his landlady, his mother's friend who is probably trying to help him with lower rent as she feels guilty that her friend and his mother has died and feels responsible for him, he takes advantage of this
He wants expensive things and prioritises these over what he actually needs and borrows money from people in his life to pay for those things
He expects you to cook and clean and keep a roof over his head
He is making no effort to deal with his debt
He's asking for a child despite being unable to support one
He'd rather do unpaid work that paid work or help you with childcare by coming home early
He's affecting your financial situation
He hasn't taken any accountability or shown any actions to show he is ready to be a responsible adult

Pros
You think he's nurturing

But he only wants do work a job he likes even after his school job Ah, I’ve had one of these, many years ago before I’d implemented my no nonsense policy. The arrogance in thinking that you’re so special that you couldn’t possibly be expected to do a job you didn’t enjoy. Zero understanding that lots of people do just that. He is poor. He doesn’t have the luxury of only doing jobs he likes, because he has bills to pay. I would dearly love to have a job where I played with puppies all day. But I can’t because I don’t have anyone to subsidise my choices. So I have to do what everyone else does and get on with it.

I’m quite sure that the thought of him working in the pub one or two nights a week, where he sleeps on a mattress on the floor and isn’t allowed overnight guests, has probably occurred to the woman he owes money to. If he’s not doing it, then there’ll be a reason. Either he’s lying to you or he thinks the job is beneath him.

If you ever have a baby with this man, he’ll be poncing off you for the rest of your life.

He can’t afford a girlfriend. He’s living beyond his means and he’s absolutely fine with poncing off you. Not the best trait to have in a long term partner. Why isn’t he bringing his shower gel and his tooth paste and his washing powder etc round to yours? Presumably he’s washing his only set of clothes at home?

Your decision is whether you want to be forever financially responsible for another adult who is capable of earning enough to support themselves, or whether you want an equal partner who understands that he has responsibilities.

He sounds so passive. It will drive you crazy in the end. You have ambition and drive to better your lot, he has none.
It’s great that he’s a nice guy but I don’t think he’s the one for you.
Here is a straightforward solution to his financial problem: declare bankruptcy on his car and card debt, work shifts in the pub to pay off the landlady. Other pubs are available. Done.
When he talks about taking a pay cut what he means is are you willing to subsidise him even more? Forever?

Reading more, it's not just that he earns too little. It's that he's in debt with no plan to get out and still wants to live above his means. He might seem appealing in some ways, but ultimately he's immature. He's not enough of an adult to do what's necessary to pay off his debt and put himself in a position to have a serious relationship and a child.

You aren't being selfish to want a full partner. He doesn't seem capable of offering that.

I’ve read all your posts, OP. You have your own child, please do mot try to look after this one.
At 28 such little motivation to change his life is not attractive and won’t lead to a happy life.

(I’m also concerned about the whole story of owing £5K to the rich pub owners and sleeping on a mattress etc. Someone mentioned slavery, I’m not sure there isn’f some kind of exploitation of a vulnerable person going on here.)

If this is how you feel at 25 you’ll be feeling a whole lot more fed up with it at 40 with 2 kids together.
Why doesn’t he want to qualify as a teacher? That lack of ambition would bother me. TA, while a very important role, is a minimum wage job for mums to fit around childcare, not a profession. It’s very much a second-income role.

The current problem is easily fixed - but him a bottle of men’s shower gel and ask him to replace it when it’s done. Then also just ask him if he can do his own washing as you’re finding it doesn’t work to do his as well.

The guy would only have to work an extra two hours per day, four days per week at nMW and within a year he'd have paid off his £5k debt to his landlady.

That's not even mentioning the holidays and weekends he could do.

Think about your future.

Don’t let him move in or share finances. He’s a financial mess and doing NOTHiNG to sort it out. Between you and his friend, you’re entitling his behaviour. Had he got a different attitude, doing an evening job, looking for a better paid job etc, then things would be different, but instead he’s thinking of reducing his hours!

Please don’t come back in five years time telling us about your cocklodger boyfriend, and how all your hopes and dreams are in tatters, plus you’ve taken on all his debts… .

If he did move in with the OP under the new proposed cohabitation laws after 3 years he can claim some of her home and savings.

Yes this was what I was trying to say earlier. There is something really off about all of this. Loan sharks do this and of course as you mention some sort of slavery situation. What would this woman do to him if he just kept his salary and didn’t repay her?

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. His debts and his mental health are not your issue OP- he could easily get himself sorted. It appears you feel some kind of responsibility towards him. You don’t. End the relationship. It doesn’t appear you get anything from this. Please put yourself and your child first you deserve more.

How is he being so picky about his clothes, even to his pants being designer, on this income and with this debt?

He says he wants a nurturing job and doesn't care about money but he insists on CK pants and got into a ton of car debt?

Well OP either you accept that any relationship with this man means subsidising him significantly and any future with him means being primarily responsible for all finances or you let this one go. I know what I'd do at the age of 25. You want a partner - not someone bad with money, who can't support himself in a normal basic lifestyle, and whose ambition seems to be to take a pay cut. And if my son was dating someone like this, I'd feel the same.

This is probably outing, but I have been in this exact scenario.
I hate to say it but genuinely the reason for them having debt/no money and living above the pub…

cocaine!

I know you think it couldn’t be. I thought the same. I bet money on the fact it is cocaine!

He seems to be a vulnerable and slightly damaged character. Poor boy that he was, losing his mother so young…

Whereas you are coming into your peak years as a woman in terms of desirability, especially as slightly older men begin to want to settle down. If you are going to look elsewhere, now is a good time to start.

But it all depends what you want. You can still be his friend if you break up.

NB. I was previously a primary teacher and would also say there’s something a bit off and lacking in boundaries in what you describe of his approach to work, especially if he is working 1-1 with pupils. It is good to care, but someone who is overly invested can also raise safeguarding flags. He needs to draw a line and begin leaving at 3pm, if he is paid until then it is literally what is expected of the role.

In terms of the debt I’ve not spoken to her personally about the debt but I believe it to be true because when he’s goes super low on money she will let him use her card to get food or petrol

How does this not give you the massive ick? It’s actually pathetic. This man can’t afford to be in a relationship. He can’t afford a baby, a bed, or even underpants.

What do your parents think about him?

I don’t see much balance in this relationship; you are providing funding, a flat for almost half the week, cooking and food, supplies, utilities, cleaning, emotional support, security… and your boyfriend provides friendship? Does he acknowledge the imbalance? He could be doing all the bathroom cleaning and vacuuming , for example, to support you - is he? Is he bringing over the ingredients and planning and making at least one meal a week to contribute?

I feel bad for his childhood losses but this sounds like a case of arrested development, where you behave like his care giver, and he refuses to take responsibility for his own life and needs. Well, he has got you to take care of them. I can foresee pressure on you to allow him to move in so that he can save that rent money and pay off bis debts, but please resist this. You will feel even more used. And he won’t learn how to take care of himself financially.

I am surprised that he is not working 3-4 nights a week in the pub (or even another pub) to repay those debts. If he really wanted to break this dysfunctional cycle, there are options.

Presumably you do not want to have children, because that sounds financially impossible. His unofficial debt to his friend’s mum won’t be counted by UC so you will be worse off if you live with him. Many women would like to be financially supported after child birth so that they can take time to physically recover and take care of each child, which is not unreasonable. This man is unlikely to feel empowered to make the work choices that allow you to do this. He is currently only able to focus on his own needs, which is not a good trait in a father.

Unfortunately perusal of this site demonstrates that once children arrive, women do a disproportionate amount of child care, and home and life management; if you are contributing more in these unpaid areas, I guarantee you will resent splitting your scarce financial resources to support your boyfriend like an extra child too. If the relationship is out of balance now, please be aware that this often becomes much worse if there are shared children.

He sounds like pleasant enough man, but immature and irresponsible. These are his problems to solve. And it is quite likely that he knows exactly what he is doing and he feels entitled to your time, energy and money. 🚩🚩🚩

I don't mean to pry (well I do, but you don't have to answer), but what was your dc's father like? Is this guy somehow an improvement?

Eg sometimes we can be with a nasty violent man, and a calmer one appears like a huge improvement. Their version of using us is then unfortunately invisible until we're locked in.

Speaking of which, contraception!!

Shower gel is cheap enough (bar soap is even cheaper!) but meals aren’t and if he’s living at yours nearly half the week and not contributing, that is taking the poss, no matter how worthy his job is.

You are not financially compatible.
It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks and says. His finances bother you, period. He loves his job. He will continue to do it and continue to be on the same pay.
There are more fish in the sea. Better to find someone who earns a bit more than you as it is deep down unacceptable for u to support him.
I married a lovely guy who earns a lot less. It has never bothered me. People are just different.
Find someone who makes you happy.