Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

In the nicest way possible op get your head out of the sand. He's not nurturing he's lazy. He has options for improving his life and you are paying money you could be using for you and your child's future on him. Because of his continuous 'picky choices' he could choose cheaper clothes, cheaper car, more working hours. But instead is choosing lower paid work, to take money from you (ultimately from your child) and his mom's friend. He is choosing to increase his dent everyday over choosing sorting himself out.
He would not be a good dad, he is not being a good step dad taking money from you.
Being a good dad means sacrificing what you want sometimes to give a child what they need. He is not that man

Of course he wants a baby with you. Then he’s got your trapped. Why are you persisting with this loser?

Read your own posts back like someone else has written them. What would you seriously be thinking or saying?

@Misssparkles2
where did you meet him?

i am asking because i dont understand why he decided to date with all that debt he is carting around.

Have another think, if you would OP, about why you started this thread.

It's basically you: "I feel the relationship is unfair"
Us: "Yes it is very unfair"
You: "But he's so nice"

You're stuck in a loop.

You've heard the phrase 'more money than sense'

This guy's got no money and no sense.

It sounds like he might only be with you for somewhere to go for food and showers when he's broke. Why don't you ask for a break and see if he's that bothered about it.

Just tell him that you don't see any commitment from him the way he is currently choosing to live his life. He can stay in debt if he wants but it's not what you are looking for in a future long term partner.

Your last thread is so relevant to this I'm not sure why you have omitted the fact you have a child from a previous relationship, IMO it makes it a lot worse that he will not work to reduce his debts, or work some evenings or weekend shifts so he doesn't have to burden you (and your child).

One of the reasons you want him to finish early is to take over childcare so you can carry on your role working from home.. but he won't even do that, instead he makes excuses and stays at work unpaid so he doesn't have to do it.

He's not a team player and you already resent him, this is not a life to sign your child up for, no matter how much you love him.

This is pretty much where I’ve stopped reading.
How did he get car finance?
Anyway - I would not support him at all with that sort of debt. The End.

@Neweraorwhat he used to work in hospitality which is how I met him. I didn’t realise he had financial issues for a good while it wasn’t noticeable until he told me and I didn’t think it was that bad until later down the line we went through the debt and the forms the national debt line give you

@BringBackCatsEyes large part of the debt is he took a car out on finance and stopped paying it. They took the car back but it was in a bad condition so didn’t sell well. He know drives a super cheap car

Holy fuck! That's a shit load of debt. He'd be better off going bankrupt.

Do you really see a future with someone so irresponsible?

No, they can't. When it comes to variable costs, two can live as cheaply as ........ two 🙂

I admire you OP for staying with this thread, when others would have buggered off!

Could it be true what @SandyHappy says that he's staying late at work so he doesn't have to look after your dc while you work?

Is that being a kind, compassionate person who loves kids?

Why was it in a bad condition?

If what you've posted is true he is not lovely and caring, he's lazy and a user.

Sat around navel gazing after his day job finishes when he could be out earning but instead uses your home as a part-time free launderette/cafe (and even then criticises a repetitive menu!) and doesn't contribute is not lovely or caring.

Also, his coming over asking "what's for dinner?"?? If he's not financially contributing, he should be cooking something you and your child would enjoy: nurturer my foot. Also, I'd ask why you wouldn't buy him a cheaper soap for his own use since it's come to that, but since he's Mr. Fashion Plate and doesn't understand if you're not in that bracket, you need to save for it, he probably only wants to use your nice stuff, right?

I think it’s petty to tot up and charge for day to day things and units of electricity… I don’t think that would happen the other way round. However when it comes to meals out, gifts, holidays etc he should definitely treat you. He should take you for meals out etc. to make up for the household expenditures.

If he moves in that’s a different story.

An open conversation needs to be had. Find out whether he’s willing to save and pay off debt and better himself financially so that he can be an equal partner. Even on a TAs wage, he should still have spare cash if he’s living at home rent free. What’s he blowing his money on?

It's going to take him years, and years, and years to pay off £35K of debt on that salary. Your situation is not going to improve unless he has a word with himself and finds a better paid job.

He may well be a nice guy, but he also sounds irresponsible and lazy to be honest. I'd even hazard a guess that he enjoys his current job because it doesn't actually involve doing very much, at least by the sound of it.

OP, when we first got married my DH and I (22 and 25) were stoney broke. He owed his DParents money for his studies as they would only loan, not give. He was a maths teacher, teaching up to A Level so marking, prep, parents’ evenings and the rest - far more than your DP has to do

To earn more money he taught adult education numeracy two nights a week and summer school for four weeks of the summer holidays. All that extra money allowed him to pay off his debt in two years.

Your DP is making a conscious choice not to work more (or indeed smarter) and is using you to subsidise him. It’s a total indulgence to have that much debt and choose to work in such a low paid job.

Either cut him out of your life (my choice) or cut off your financial support - no extras, no meals, no washing etc. If he loved you, he wouldn’t do this to you. And I’d be really sceptical about his relationship with this friend’s mother who seems to be using money to keep him on a string.

OP how long has he had this job?

Has he said what he will be doing when school closes for summer?

As others have said, he should be working a second job or looking for something full time over the summer holidays to clear as much debt as possible. Being lovely doesn't pay back debt or make him an equal partner. You can't even have a simple date without you picking up the whole tab.

Why on earth is he considering a pay cut when he cannot afford the lifestyle choices he has now.

At present it sounds like you are his personal therapist, free landlady and companion when he wants one. The real question should be what do YOU want, for yourself and your existing child. But he does not sound like he brings any positives to your life as it is.

good. At least he didn’t set up a profile online to find his meal ticket!

I'm just reading your updates, I don't understand that you even need to ask for advice regarding this relationship.
🙁He has a debt of 30k. Looks like he likes spending more than earning.
The part about him only wanting to work in this role because he loves this work is just an excuse.
There's lots of other caring jobs, you have to try them to know if you will enjoy them.
He would rather sit in school for 2 hours, not getting paid, than do paid work, absolutely ridiculous 🙄.
We all work even if we sometimes, don't enjoy it, even if we are in stressful jobs but we do it for the income. He needs to grow up and take responsibility.
Also a person who won't buy more than 1 pair of work clothes, unbelievable.

I hate cooking and cleaning but I still have to do it.
Hopefully you will soon realise this relationship isn't going to have a happy ending.

large part of the debt is he took a car out on finance and stopped paying it. They took the car back but it was in a bad condition so didn’t sell well. He know drives a super cheap car

He stopped paying his car loan and it got repoed. I'm assuming he still owes for the balance of the loan that the poor sale price didn't cover if your laws are like ours. And he had a pricey car and couldn't or wouldn't take care of it.

You got more involved before he mentioned his huge debts.

He stays late because he doesn't want to watch your kid. How nurturing is that?

This guy is a parade of red flags.

How can you consider fucking up your kid's life by supporting an immature adult who won't work hard and makes stupid financial decisions? This guy doesn't enhance your lives, he's a drain on you and your kid. Drip, drip, drip.

So did he blag his way through the affordability part of the finance agreement?

The bottom line is that you have a responsibility to put a roof over your child's head. You have the ability to save a deposit for a home for you and your child.

Stop pissing about with this loser. He's lazy and financially profligate.

You're gambling with your child's future. It was bad enough when we thought it was just you. But you have a CHILD to be responsible for.

He really must have golden balls if you're falling for his schtick.

On the basis you already have a child and are considering having another with him? No, no, no, no.

Nothing wrong with being in debt - I was in a lot myself in my 20s, but he is doing nothing to improve his future (from the sounds of it). One thing if it was just the two of you, but if you have a child and are considering having one with him, it’s a bad idea and you will be trapped with him forever - unless he sorts himself out, pronto.