Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

So maybe he needs some therepy to help him work out why he has such an issue with managing finances (although i assume his mum dying at such an early age has had a huge impact on this). Even just a few session with a good therepist could make a huge difference to him. He might be able to access some help through the nhs if he is persistant. Try gp first or self refer to local mental health services.

Imagine what a life together would look like. Is it what you want? Money isn't everything but most people have aspirations that will cost money - buying a house, going on holiday etc. are you willing to give that prospect up for a guy who's happy to subsist on the bare minimum? I wouldn't be.

I imagine she'd be happy if he worked in the pub to decrease his debt to her. Has he bothered to ask?
He's using her card for petrol and food, your paying for his food at yours. He's not paying his full rent. So how much is he being paid and how much is his debt because it sounds like his main expenses are covered by everyone else
How much would his car be worth, could he sell that to cover some of the debt and get a cheap run around or the bus temporarily?

I’m starting to feel like what do i get from this Me too!

Hea got amazing qualities and I know he would be a good dad In what way? Because if I was eyeing up a man as potential father to my baby I'd be wanting someone practical and capable as a start.

I dated a guy like this for a bit.....lived month to month, was generally crap with money, etc....
I'm much older than you, but I ended it when I realised I'd always be paying the lions share. He was a lovely man, but I wanted someone who could pay their own way.

Few options....
1- end it
2-scale back the relationship...no overnighters, 50/50 on meals out/dates
3-continue as you are and you'll either become resentful or poor (or both)

I'd suggest number 1 x

I was going to say similar. It isn't even the equivalent to a minimum wage full time job sadly. OP I think this is a bigger issue- what are his plans for the future?

Yeh. He sounds ok. You sound tight.

What a lot of garbage that a TA stays till 5 …. Sorry that’s bs

Even if he did leave at 5 go home nap for an hour and then funny enough he might know a pub to work at?!? Even weekends and one weeknight till midnight as a second job at the pub he literally lives in will mean he is paying back his debt fast and getting ahead.

He wants to be a nursing saviour while you pay for it…. I have the ick…. You should be sprinting out of there!

Jesus we aren’t miracle workers! This kid needs a ton of therapy and its highly unlikely to be successful short term.

@pikkumyy77 no it’s not nurturing at all which is why he was wanting to take a pay cut to be in a different role. I believe from what I hear he kind of tried to position himself to do more nurturing things. Which is why I guess he stays behind to maybe get involved in others jobs.

it does sound familiar to be honest. The other day he said if he was able to be more nurturing all of the kids behaviour would be much better and he would be doing a much better job than the qualified people. He also has been taking it upon himself to save some children when the teachers in the role have made other decisions. I have questioned if he’s doing it because he felt like he needed help as a child or if it’s because it makes him feel good to be like a hero. And I mean this all in a nice way it was what I observed

Yanbu. It will only get worse, because the demands of adult life will only increase (and they really do), and you'll be doing them all on your own because he's not up for adulting at all.

I had a poorly paid job I loved, but when I met my partner and it was clear the only way I could continue with the job AND progress the relationship (I.e. living together) was if I asked my partner to subsidise me... so I found better paid work. I was bored a lot of the time but the purpose I found in my relationship counted for a lot, and it was honestly great not being broke for once.

I think you need to address this more assertively at this stage.
Have you discussed the future you envisage? If you both share the same vision, how does he see you getting there? What's the plan? When he fails to present one and returns to his litany of excuses, you are well within your rights to say it sounds like he loves his job more than he loves you, so it's probably best to call it a day.

The shower gel was just an early alarm bell.

He could be a really nice guy (though I personally see 🚩) - the main problem is that you’re fundamentally incompatible for the long term. You seem switched on - you have a decent job, you’re living independently, you’re prioritizing saving. You have goals. His financial situation and living arrangements are a hot mess, he doesn’t seem motivated to change this (not you change it for him) and he wants to take a pay cut, despite his circumstances??

You aren’t on the same wavelength with finances, which is a fundamental basis for a successful relationship.

So, you can spend the next year or two, acting as his cook/cleaner/benefactor, or you can save yourself the time and invest it in finding someone you have a future with.

Can any wage not go straight towards paying off his debt? Which would either reduce the time period he's paying it over, or free up some of his primary salary for him to use?

What part of expecting his land lady and girlfriend to subsidise him whilst doing nothing to improve his financial situation makes him ok?
I don't want to financially subsidise someone who can't be arsed to work full time despite being fit and healthy either. Even full time minimum wage would better his situation

You work FT and do all of the cooking, cleaning, and providing.

He works PT and isn’t pulling his weight either domestically or financially.

Maybe do a thought experiment - what would you advise a friend in your situation?

I wonder how you got to the point where you're asking for an external opinion? I was just like you, ignored my "selfish" (self-protective) instincts, and f'd up my life because of it.

Many young women wouldn't even doubt themselves, they'd think "this guy isn't an equal partner", and let him go.

All I'm saying is beware of anything that overrides your self preservation. "Being nice" can be a fatal disease.

Fuck that, he clearly has no problem burdening you by putting his desire to overwork in a naff job above your needs.

You will constantly be the cash cow covering the shortfall, will never be treated or taken anywhere. If you do save up it’ll be completely one sided. Don’t make a life and share finances with him, he’ll spaff your savings up the wall.

You get nothing. This is a one way relationship and the road goes towards him. You're there to meet his needs and do and pay for him, not the other way around. You do and will do all the heavy lifting.

He will not contribute to a family any more than he does to your landlady or you now.

You're financially incompatible and he sounds very dependent.

As for nurturing, how is sitting in silence in a classroom a nurturing role? If he's so nurturing, why isn't he nurturing you, his girlfriend, occasionally? Why doesn't he bring a water bottle on your walks rather than spend your money? He will likely not be a good dad, he's financially improvident and needs too much support, financial and emotional, to be giving that.

This man doesn't give. He takes.

On womens hour this morning they had a woman who has written a book about the ongoing disparity in financial opportunities between men and women and she identified choice of life partner as the most important factor in the ultimate financial situation a woman finds herself in.

A partner who prioritise his love of his job over making a fair financial contribution to a relationship, with Jo inclination or motivation to improve his financial position, will add to the financial inequity that you will inevitably experience as a women living in a patriarchal society.

He is already undervaluing your unpaid work (meal prepping, maintaining your home, shopping, etc) and sees nothing wrong with complaining about the quality of the free ride he's getting from you. If he wanted to even things up, pay off his debts quicker, and be financially stable, he could, but he is choosing not to.

I have answered that. I wasn't earning well and my now husband did support me temporarily at times but I earn well now and am trying to increase it again. I do work part time atm due to young children but I am starting more study soon and it was a joint choice. O.k. I might not make it to quite his wages but I am on a good professional wage now and should be increasing.

Goodness! This thread became something I wasn’t expecting after reading your first post.
This isn’t about little things like him being over generous with your shower gel and iron water.
I think you have just seized on these and you are using them and fighting really hard not to see the bigger picture.
Perhaps you need to consider if this man is good for you. I would guess that he isn’t. He appears to be using you to shore up his life style.
If you were my daughter I would be encouraging you to think about the benefits of this relationship to you.
You have a good job and a sound attitude to your finances. You are still young. Why don’t you give yourself chance to find another partner someone who shares your values and will treat you fairly.
I do hope you find the strength to free yourself from this situation and to discover a brighter and better future with a decent man.

Sorry, explain to me how he would be a good dad? I haven't read one nice quality this guy has and honestly, I'm not trying to be mean but I'm not picking up on anything!

@Misssparkles2
How much debt does he owe in total
How much is his monthly wage
How much is his car worth
Please answer some of the financial questions so people can work out if it is a easily resolved situation. Or do you not actually know the answers to these questions? In which case you need to know

I’ve read all your posts and many PPs and I’m sorry but this is the point I give up.

His job doesn’t fund an adult lifestyle.

It’s that simple. He can’t buy more than one shirt/pair of trousers? He can’t go to a launderette to wash his ‘limited’ boxers? He can’t buy a snack when you’re out?

I get that he loves his nurturing job. But it doesn’t pay the bills.

I don’t think you’re financially compatible. You’ll be resentful that you either pay for everything or you limit what you do together to cheap/free activities.

At 25 you should both be pushing your earning potential to set you up for an adult home (into which, if you want them, you can bring children.

He’s sleeping on a mattress in a room in a pub at 28? With debts? Nah. Sorry. He’s not keeping pace with you and I can’t see this relationship working.

There was a similar post a few months ago where a poster had a husband working as a TA. He also used to stay late and claimed to sit in on meetings where he wouldn't have had a role.

You should have a read if you can find it. She had children and he expected her to earn the money for the family and do most of the childcare while he fafffed around with his hobby job. You might find it sobering reading.