Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

After we broke up, it took him 6 YEARS (yes, you read that right) to move out, because why would he? Everything was free and everything was done for him

I feel like I've wandered in to the twilight zone.

It's not his job or even his income. You're in a relationship with someone whose life is chaotic and who can't see the wood for the trees. It sounds like things have been unstable for him for quite some time. It's terrible what happened to his mum and that's must have affected him. He doesn't seem to be able to plan beyond week to week. His debt and living situation sounds borderline abusive and controlling.

Is he showing you any signs of working to get himself out of these patterns? I'm sure he is a lovely man; he sounds kind and generous. But you need more than that to build a life with someone. Will he plan for the future with you? Work towards shared goals?

I don't think the two of you are on the same page about the kinds of lives you want and 18 months in is a good time to realise that and end things.

Okay I caught up with all your replies OP and I have a few questions because I’m having flashbacks about my own relationship years ago:

• Are you allowed to go to the pub?
• Do you know this woman? Have you heard from her that this debt story is true?
• What’s stopping him picking up a couple shifts over the weekend at the pub?
• Are you sure he’s staying in school after hours? It reads like bs. Also, all he does is manage the isolation room, that’s hardly nurturing lol.

I smell bs. Drugs. Drugs are the reason for the debts and why he’s stuck over the pub.

Speaking from experience, please stop trying to save him.

It sounds like he is in a tough spot debt-wise, and he has obviously been through the mill, faced a lot of difficulty in losing his mum so young and in such a terrible way.

However, he is a gainfully employed, able-bodied, compis mentis adult. His financial situation, his difficulties and his debt are HIS OWN to sort out.

I have been where you are, letting a partner live with me temporarily so he could get back on his feet. His financial situation seems comparable, and I held the same resentments as you about subsidising his meals, his washing, being the solution to every problem (with extra tensions thrown in around house work and personal space). I am telling you, without a single doubt in my mind, that HE is the only person who can take responsibility for his situation.

It sounds like you have your head screwed on, you're earning, you can afford to live independently and you are planning and saving for a secure future. You're right in that you cannot afford to support another adult 3+ days per week (nor should you). You deserve to enjoy your own success, and you also deserve someone who can meet you where you are. It is entirely possible that you can love this man but he cannot be the partner that you want and need long term. There is no guilt in saying "I love you and I care about you, but I will not parent you. I want an equal partner to build a stable future with." You would not be a bad person to choose yourself. Believe me, I am coming out the other side. Xx

It's a bit odd. All the TAs I know are doing it as a job around family, or they were once teachers and this is basically their path to retirement job. It is generally NOT someone's role when they are climbing the career ladder without any dependents (sure there will be exceptions). There are lots of other nurturing roles that would pay more - full time in a care home for one. He needs to have a real think because he is not going to earn enough on what's essentially a part time wage to ever live properly as an adult.

Fine if it's a stepping stone or around other things. It is a valuable job. But it's just not paid enough.

How will his finances look once he is out of debt? It might not always be this way. I do agree, that it shouldn’t be your responsibility to subsidise him, but it won’t be forever. Also, point him in the direction of moneysavingexpert- might be helpful for his debt.

Nothing to stop him increasing his hours working a few evenings in a pub (as he’s living in one) working in wrap around care/holiday clubs.
A couple of my friends are still TA’s, one of them has a second job in another sector (care) and the other one works during the main holidays in a activities camp.
He can’t afford to ‘just’ do the job he loves and as he doesn’t have children etc to sort childcare out for/school runs he should be doing something else alongside, either similar enabling on a weekend/wrap around care/holiday clubs or in a different field in the evening

Would you not be doing a washing anyway so it could all go in together?

OP what's the decision you're trying to make - are you wresting with your conscience about whether it's ok to feel things are unfair? (they are)

As my past self relates to you so strongly, I'd also ask (feel free to ignore this) who taught you it's selfish to receive as well as give?

@SwatTheTwit I go to the pub and have met the lady. She is really lovely and it’s in a good area her and the locals are all wealthy people. Her son works in the pub but I’m assuming my partner doesn’t work in the pub because she would be paying him a wage while he owes her lots of money.

Hes defo not on drugs and doesn’t drink anymore. In terms of the debt I’ve not spoken to her personally about the debt but I believe it to be true because when he’s goes super low on money she will let him use her card to get food or petrol

He’s already 28. Consider how things will look if you stay together say for another 5 years and then you want to start a family? Do you picture à man like him as the father of your children?

It doesn’t sound like you’re both suited to each other financially. That is the biggest cause of divorce from what I know. Listen to your gut which is screaming at you hence why you’ve posted.

But it will be forever if he takes no accountability, keeps increasing the debt, lowers his wages through choice and refuses to do anything to improve his situation

I work in a school, I know the job of what your partner does very well - everyone is out the door the same time as the kids.
He's taking the piss. Asking you what's for dinner and then complains! Tell him to leave.
Why isn't he bringing the food to cook for you a few times a week? If he doesn't have the money, how does he eat the days he doesn't see you?
Tell him he needs to replace the toiletries he uses.
You should not be bailing him out and everything falling on you.
He's not your partner, he's your boyfriend.
Do you really want to live your life like that?
He may love his job, but he can still do something nurturing with more money. He finishes at 3.30 every day, he can use that time to take extra qualifications.

Don’t you see that this makes no sense? A) this job if running the reflection room is NOT NURTURING. He is basically sitting in silence watching children sit in silence.

B) Being a manny, child care worker, assistant in a senior living center, working in child spirts—these are all nurturing roles. they take education, training, and active engagement. He is utterly passive.

I agree with @MageKing (I think it was) who identified him as having covert narcissist tendencies. There is a wealth of work on this kind of person. They often present (and think of themselves) as “sweet and innocent ,” longing for support, deserving/striving for caregivers, too good for this world, too fragile to manage, sacrificing for the community/children, accepting low wages to bravely care for others, on a special mission that others may not appreciate.

Does this sound familiar? Because it should.

The dangerous thing about these people is that they can suck you into a caregiver/helpmeet role almost before you know it. You will end up being cast either as the rescuer (if you ceaselessly support him without complaint) or the persecutor (if you try to help him take responsibility for his life) but either way you will lose everything for this collapsed, charming, user.

I imagine she doesn't need to put her washing machine on everyday as a single person but if he has one work outfit it needs to be washed every day

@midJulytarget i love him but it feels unfair. Sometimes he get super depressed so i talk to him a lot about how he’s feelin too. I’m starting to feel like what do i get from this.

Hea got amazing qualities and I know he would be a good dad but I don’t want to be the shoulder to cry on, the provider, th one who cleans and cooks. Like I don’t mind doing the other stuff but I would want to feel less financial pressure or like he’s taking over that role if I’m doing everything else

I would also add, I have much the same attitude to work/money/debt.

I was raised in a family who taught me that, (aside from a mortgage) unless you have the money in your bank account, you can't afford it. My parents both took on second jobs/trained for new roles to support our family/cover all the expenses that kids come with.

It is great that he likes his job, but very few people get the luxury of doing something something they love, let alone at low pay to the detriment of their own financial situation, or that if their partner/family. In my opinion, if you need to pay off debt you increase your earnings, even if this means moving into a less satisfactory role.

He needs to grow up and shoulder his own financial responsibilities.

If he wants a more nurturing job in a school, has he thought of looking for other roles such as a pastrol lead? Here, they are paid more than TAs by quite a bit. They do vary from school to school though in terms of what they do and the pay but it would be a significant jump for him if thats possible. Or train as a teacher?

Its lovely to have a job you love but it needs to be able to pay the bills and he needs to realise that.

He stays in a pub. Can't he work a few shifts a week to help pay his debts?

This relationship is not working. You already resent him. You are doing all the work to try & help him. He's doing nothing & using you to subsidise his living.

OP, what he loves about this job is that it’s easy. He’s got very little to do, if you think about it. He stays behind unpaid because then, he can demonstrate to the world that he hasn’t got the free time to go find another job. Also, he will get recognition as someone who’s in employment and doing a very worthwhile role, etc.

Why does he want the nurturing role with the lower salary? Because a) he’s just not a responsible person who knows it’s imperative to get out of debt, b) he’s got zero ambition and c) he’s got people to bail him out, you being one of them.

You are fundamentally incompatible.

If you stay together long term, this won’t change. He’s got no desire to change. If you leave him, he’ll happily keep sleeping on his mattress on the floor indefinitely.

Do you want that for your kids? Or do you want an equal partner who contributes in all respects to your life and who can build a solid life together with you?

£6.50? Holy moly.

If support him he can get himself in a better financial place

Sounds like the boiled frog analogy to me, as in if I just help him a bit more it'll change everything ... except it won't because, while his choices are rightly his to make, they're not compatible with supporting himself

I suspect it's not necessary to ask who the main driver was in the idea of his moving in, but please don't even think about it. If you really want to continue this you could suggest it might work once he's out of debt, but TBH it sounds doomed because your aims simply aren't in synch

Okay, you need to knock this one on the head. He may be lovely but his life is an utter mess. Yours is sorted. He owes money left right and centre. I feel for him with his mum but he sounds very reckless. He works a minimum wage job and has no ambition to improve his salary. He scrounges of his friend’s mum. He doesn’t even have a bed ffs. He is using you for food and other facilities that make his life easier. You want to buy a house, he sounds close to being made bankrupt. This won’t get better. I would split. If he pulls his finger out and turns his life around and in two years you’re both single then fine, maybe you can try to make it work. At the moment though, you need to end it.

Does he have a key to your place? If so, remove it and find a hobby so you are not at home so much. You need a conversation with him to tell him that you are looking for a partner in life, not a child.

He can work off his debt in the pub for free. He can get a second job. He could use the afternoon slots to actually study to train as a teacher. He has a lot of choices but you, like his landlady are mothering him.

There was another poster a couple of months back. Full time job, husband is a TA. She was run ragged juggling school runs and kids around her job while he was there late every day unpaid hanging out with the mgmt team and being a general dogsbody. She basically had an adult child to look after.

Don't. Be. A. Mug

Gives me the Ick just reading about him. Not the small stuff shower gel or loo rolls but his lifestyle and attitude - too tired after a non manual 9-5 job (and hangs around to 5pm by choice)?? Nah.

At the very least he needs a second job until he's cleared his rent/landlady debt situation.

So what are you going to do about your situation OP?