Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

This relationship doesn't have a future, the way it is at the moment.
You will have to have a long and honest chat about your expectations and his expectations from this relationship. (You will obviously already have an idea of what you are expecting but you need to realise what he is thinking about the future for himself and you.)
Does he have any future ambitions other than just remaining a TA?
He can still love his job, as a teacher.
If the answer is no, are you going to just continue this relationship living separately?
As living together will not work financially, because of the significant difference in earnings.
Living together will potentially lead to resentment. You will be watching everything he uses, if you are the partner paying more towards stuff.
Does he want to possibly train as a teacher so that his income can increase?
Can he become a tutor to earn some extra income?
If he doesn't want to put put in the effort to earn some extra money, then you will have to consider if this relationship is going to lead anywhere?
It's better to make that decision sooner than later?
As obviously you are not happy with the current situation.
To be honest, I wouldn't be either.
I would prefer someone, who is more ambitious about their future.
It would help to have some money to save, so that you can plan for something together.
E.g a future place together, a holiday together.

@OneShyQuail @MagdaLenor do you think?

Maybe I’m explaining his job wrong. Basically what he does is when kids get kicked out of class or are naughty they come and sit in his room for the day in silence. He said after school he’s doing his report stuff on the kids and talking to teachers about certain kids and likes to wait around after they have had their meeting and sometimes goes to them.

I’ve brought up how he’s essentially working for free and why would they promote him when they can shift their work on to him for free. I’m not in this field so if you think he’s just wasting time there please let me know because I will bring this up to him. He’s not trained in teaching so how should his role actually look so I’m prepared for when having this convo

So? It’s true for many of us. That doesn’t mean they’re not lovely people, but that financial disparity is a glaring incompatibility. I wasn’t interested in having a relationship with someone that wasn’t on at least an equal footing to me financially. I did not want to compromise my lifestyle or take on the burden of a dependent.

This is a very damaged, childlike, dependent personality you are describing. Of course the suicide of his mother may have set him on this path or she may have raised him to be like this: childlike, improvident, needy, passive, stubborn, charming, seductive, martyring, a user who easily accepts gifts and money from women in exchange for the pleasure of his company. A man with no long term goals.

Its ok if you want to keep him as an expensive pet, as one might a show horse or a nervous dog—but you can’t afford him. Just like he can’t afford his own lifestyle.

His relationship with his friends mother is literally co dependent—whether innocently on her part, subsidizing her son’s hapless friend or malevolently keeping this simpleton tied by debt we can’t say. One thing you can say is he likes it like this. He will never change. He looks for female care and approval and offers up this childlike “nurturing “ persona that makes him seem harmless, attractive, and integral—that’s why he stays after work to “impress the big dogs” because he wants their respect, love, attention.

Get out now. You will never get the life you dream of with this millstone around your neck.

Addendum: to the tedious chorus of “a man wouldn’t criticize a woman for having less etc…etc…” you should go read reddit on the subject, any incel forum, or take a look at Andrew Tate or most male comics. They complain ceaselessly about women as gold diggers or women and children stealing their wealth. There is an industry of puck up artists and the whole manosphere criticizing women who don’t earn enough to support their man.

My niece was tutoring whilst at sixth form so not always true.

He's managing the Time Out room? He doesn't need to speak to the teachers afterwards because that's not his responsibility. I do that and I'm head of a key stage, and paid a lot more.
He's supervising, he's not doing the R&R.

Ok so how is his job nurturing?!
Sounds like an appalling response to catering for differing needs in a classroom?! They sit in silence?! This used to be called inclusion but its anything but. What part of this job does he actually enjoy?!

The plot thickens!

What exactly is his job role/job title?

I honestly dont think there relationship has legs.
I was you many moons ago, my then boyfriend earnt less than me he was a TA. He had a second job in a pub to contribute to things. We arent together now but I appreciated it at the time.

Sorry to say your guy sounds like a freeloader and you are happy to keep making excuses for him.
Nice guys dont use your washing machine, expect you to provide all food, not contribute to dates and take you oit occasionally. Your bar is low chick and he knows it.

When my now DP used to come round one night a week to my house he would bring food/snacks/drink and when he starting coming more he contributed more, again off his own back. Even days out with my kids he'd pay half (they arent even his children!)

Having read a fair bit of the posts, I’m not sure this rings true. One work outfit and three pairs of boxers. Really.

If he's manning an inclusion room that's plenty of time for paperwork. Meetings after school should not be more than once a week. I'm sorry OP, I would not be throwing good money after bad with this man.

However. Shower gel? I'd tell him to bring some of his own toiletries round. I've never known a man use more beyond the first couple of nights over.
Chores? Be breezy - "No worries, let's not see each other tonight and we'll both get our housework done so we're free on Friday".
Food? Again, breezy - "Well, I'm happy to have warmed up chilli but if you fancy bringing tea and cooking for us that's great!".
Snacks on a walk? No, you don't need to buy them for him. How does this work? Surely he says he's thirsty and you say you're ok thanks (take a bottle with you!). Surely he's not asking you for some money to go to the shop with?

Yes, some women work low paying roles and look to their DP/DH to support them but those are long standing relationships where the man's agreeable to this. It's a completely different thing when they don't even live together or it's a fairly new relationship, @Misssparkles2 didn't agree to support her BF, she hasn't said live with me and I'll take care of you

The problem is not really his low wages, it's his debt. He is living permanently in debt and that's with you subbing him.

He needs to address that.

There is no way I would want a relationship with someone who cannot budget or manage money.

That's a huge red flag.

I would tell him no more staying over until he's cleared his debts and then, if he's staying half a week, he pays half a week rent.

Stop looking at why the landlord keeps giving him money and why he's working a bit later at work as excuses for him
What would you do in his situation, would you work out your budget, restructure your finances, look for a new job or get a second job? If yes, why are you not expecting him to do this?

I was in a relationship like this. We had kids. It came to be that I paid for EVERYTHING, as well as managing, organising and doing everything. After we broke up, it took him 6 YEARS (yes, you read that right) to move out, because why would he? Everything was free and everything was done for him, and he took that time to save all his money so he could buy somewhere to live. Men like the gender roles that help them (being in charge, making all the decisions, their lives being the centre of everything) and ignore the ones that benefit them when the roles are reversed (man supporting his family, contributing financially etc.)
Your fella may be lovely, but he expects you to support him, and if kids, mortgage etc. come along, he'll expect that to be ALL on you.

Can you imagine if a man wrote the OP’s post?

I was about to say something very similar. @Misssparkles2 he is stuck in his development and is likely to stay stuck forever. You and his friend’s mother are mother like figures, sorting him out. You are young and supposed to be having fun.

This doesn’t sound like any fun. He may well be lovely but he will be like this forever.

@MagdaLenor yh he manages that room in the school. He basically stays in there all day as a solo person rather than teaches taking turns to manage that room.

so he doesn’t need to be there afterwards that long?

I’ve questioned him before to kind of say would they not think your getting in the way by waiting for them and trying to have chats with them after a long school day

Doesn't matter if she wants a partnership or not, hes not able or willing to be a partner

Also, he wont progress anywhere without more training/qualifications...he can sit in as many imaginary meetings as he likes and write up all sorts of reports that arent needed but hes going nowhere without professional qualifications (and one work outfit and 3 pairs of boxers 🤭)

OP, first, ignore the comment saying this would be no problem if it was gender reversed. Because, consistently, when it's the other way round, the woman then takes on a LOT more to manage the family household. In our case, DH was the lower earner, and I can assure you, that he took on a lot more as a result so I never felt hard done by because he did (most) of the things that women usualyl do when they are on lower pay.

This here is the issue. he loves his job so he's not going to do anything to improve his life. I mean, he could be nurturing as a teacher, a nurse, a paediatric nurse, even a carer... and he'd probably earn more than as a TA. And the reality is that he doesn't earn a livable wage. Most TA jobs are not designed to be - they are part time, low paid roles, So whether it's you funding him or someone else, how does he expect this to work long term?

Unfortunately, he also sounds to me like someone who has covert/vulnerable narcissist tendencies. He's the victim. And with his family background, I wouldn't even blame him (there's a lot of research that suggests people with narcissistic tendencies are that way because their brains don't mature properly in their childhoods, OFTEN because of trauma or similar issues). But that means this is only going to get worse. YOu will have to supply him with financial support, emotional support, practical support. He will basically become your very dependent child, all while he drifts around bleating about how hard his life is and how he just wants to help people.....

Oh, ,and PS, staying late in all the meetings - I guarantee it drives the actual teachers MAD.

Don’t move this man in OP!!!!!! He’ll only get more expensive if he’s there every day.

@OneShyQuail he runs the reflection room. So the job is not actually wants to do which is why he wanted to take a pay cut to be more nurturing. He did things on the side out of his own free will but it’s not in his contract

And the path into actual teacing from being a TA is, I believe, well established and he should be able to do it. But I bet he has no school qualifications iether, does he? So he' dhave to start by goign back and getting some levels at the very least. Which I suspect he doesn't want to do either. Perhaps because it's too hard? or his confidence was kncoked and he's scared of failing?

Oh, and final comment, when DH and I were dating and I earned a lot more than him and he spent about 5 nights a week at mine - he ALWAYS contributed. He did his share of cooking/cleaning/chores. He picked up bread/milk etc.

You’re wasting your time. He has no interest in improvising his situation, and will resist all attempts by you to motivate him into doing so. As if you should even have to motivate him.

He may say the right things to mollify you at the time of the conversation, but he won’t put the effort in to make any changes. There will always be something preventing him from doing so (which will be completely out of his control, obviously).

With respect, this situation is never going to get any better. You say you love him but how long before that love is killed by resentment. There is no future with this guy if you are hoping to have a comfortable life and children down the line. Not only is he in debt and on a low wage, but he is looking to you to mother him and sort out his problems. Harsh as it sounds you should cut your losses before you are any older. You sound like you work and save hard and deserve more than this.