AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

But wouldn’t you congratulate him and at least sit down and discuss how you could potentially make it work, if it meant a lot to him? Not just say No.

Indeed.

The OP seems to be doing everything at home and with the kids and brings in the money while her husband just coasts along and whines.

So if you were working full time in a demanding but low paid job, you would be just thrilled if your husband suddenly unilaterally annouced that you would be parenting alone two days a week?

I think your DH is being very selfish. He does a job inconvenient for family life because he wants to do it however is unwilling to support you to do a job less convenient for family life because you want to. And yours has the added advantage that it can afford to pay to work around the inconvenience. I think he needs a few home truths, I’d pitch it that you WANT to do this and that is your motivation. If he cannot get behind it, I’d threaten that ‘well, if I can’t do my dream job due to family inconvenience then we need to rearrange our lifestyle so that you take on your fair share so it is possible for me to also chase my dreams as you do, because currently it is at the expense of my dreams. If your 50% of the load (including paying for childcare costs of your choices) is not possible with your current job, you are going to need to change jobs then aren’t you? My purpose in life is not to facilitate you living your best life at my expense. I have the equal right to pursue happiness.
If he still can’t see it, there is no hope for a happy life for you if he doesn’t care about you so long as he is not impacted. At least you can pay for a full time nanny - and he will still have to get a new job or a lifestyle downgrade. Take the job. Either he can support you or he is not worth giving it up for.

The more you tell us about this man, the more I think divorce might be the easiest way to go. He sounds resentful and I can’t believe he lets you pick up all the household and childcare slack. You may as well do it all your own-you are now anyway!

Blimey OP - being blunt, but does he add much to your life? He doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight.

No wonder you're fuming!

You couldn’t put a 7yr old and a 4 yr old to bed twice a week on your own in return for £100k salary? That’s unusual I’d say.

If I was used to lying in bed in the mornings, not helping with the kids, doing any cleaning, gardening or childcare, having my lifestyle funded then yes it would be an inconvenience for me, as it would mean I have to actually get off my arse and do something

as someone who was the breadwinner with a now ex husband who languished in low paid jobs but then didn’t pull his wait childcare/house work wise I’d say take the job! And I don’t often say that! Especially with WFH 2 days per week. Why should men be able to have families and careers and well paid jobs. There’s a huge issue with lack of women in senior positions and part of that is because we aren’t visible enough to show the younger generations that they can do it and have families and children. Your husband is holding you back

Oh and his job isn’t demanding it’s something he loves to do, convenient and low paid

He has to get them ready for school 2 mornings a week and put them to bed. If you were 'raging' over that, I'd ask:

A. Why you had children in the first place and more to the point...
B. Why the fuck then, is it OK that its current OP doing it 5 days a week?

On that much money I'd imagine you have some latitude might there be opportunity to create flexibility where u need?
What are other women in the same field/ work area saying?

Why didn’t you tell him you were going for the promotion OP? It sounds like you’re quite tired of the fact that he gets to do a job he loves and you pick up the slack which is fair enough, but I’m surprised that you didn’t think to discuss the logistics of this job before going for it. Presumably if he works 5 days in the office it will be a real struggle for him to continue in this career if you’re away for two nights a week?

Not at all. I was happy with the arrangement at the time because the deal we made was that I would get my turn when the kids were a bit older. Kids got older, he got so comfortable fulfilling his ambitions that he wasn't willing to adjust to give me some help with the kids so I could advance. I got three degrees while working part-time, launched, it was going really well. I asked him if he could adjust one day for two hours in the late afternoon to give me the ability to advance. Think that was going to happen? No. He yelled at me for having that expectation of him. It quickly became clear I could only work around school hours. He was basically not there during the week. I had no family around to help. He said we couldn't afford help with childcare. In the end, it was almost over before it began after I'd worked really hard to get it going. I tried to keep it up by working from home for a bit (50 an hour, so not too bad). The big important job and his ambition was everything, and there was no room for flexibility. Our marriage almost came to an end in that time. He'd broken a fundamental promise I'd based so many decisions around. In the end, I pretty much gave up because the practicalities were overwhelming and not worth the cost to my children. He thought I'd got my goal of having children, so should be happy with that. I've found other ways to deal.

To give a different perspective, I have effectively ‘banned’ my husband from any more promotions.

We are mid-thirties, he has flown up the ranks and is on approx £100k, I am a stay at home parent / carer to our 3 young children, one of whom is disabled. We are from low income backgrounds and live in a relatively LCOL area.

There comes a point where more money outweighs constantly solo parenting. He could keep pushing and earn more but the money would get eaten up in outsourcing his domestic input PLUS he would get significantly less time with his children.

I don’t know, it’s different financial figures and as I said one of our children is disabled so I can’t really imagine things like easily accessing childcare, lack of appointments, holiday club, finding an appropriate nanny etc

I guess we’ve communicated and agreed and chosen the lifestyle(?) option over career RIGHT NOW. And maybe I’m just warping this into being sensitive about my own situation as I’ve not previously felt IABU that I’ve ‘banned’ DH from further promotion.

Can you get him to actually say the words out loud - that the reason he doesn't want you to do this, is because he doesn't want to look after his children 2 days a week?

Out of 7 days, he's objecting to 2 bedtimes, and 2 mornings - which, given the type of person you sound OP, are already organised and as easy as they can be (this is certainly how I ran my life before ex became and ex so I could support my job and them - mornings and bedtimes had full routines in place, that the kids followed with very little fuss, due to the effort I'd put in to train them)

If he said he has an opportunity, can we talk about it? I'd congratulate him.

If he said "guess what - I have this promotion - you'll be doing all this parenting on your own but it doesn't matter because you have a pin money job" I'd be furious.

Sorry op i can understand this from DH’s point of view.

My DH earns twice what i do. I work 80% meaning i’m able to do pick ups.

He already works long hours. Yes he could easily go somewhere else and get more money, but has decided not to as it’s not the best thing for our family right now.

If he just took a bigger role with even longer hours, it would just mean even more work and exhaustion for me. And so i would want to know he had considered my wellbeing in this as well.

A friend of mine said to my DH, who was behaving similarly about my career, that his cock wouldn’t drop off if he said “I acknowledge that your job is more/as important than/as mine, and I will support you in any way possible to ensure that you succeed.” Take the job. Hire the nanny. He will get over himself.

What would a man do? They’d take the job! Your husband is being completely selfish! Take the job!

Ah I really feel for you. I had similar.
My bet is that he is feeling threatened, insecure etc and won’t admit it.

Once I was bringing in a ton of money, paying for the good holidays and cars (good one this if he likes cars) and he’d got used to it, he softened. Then I lost my job anyway!

Rather than get angry and fight, this is going to take a lot of conversations. I think I’d try to understand his concerns and deal with them calmly and logically, with the aim of getting his blessing for you to “suck it and see” for a bit. (Obviously you are going to take the job anyway but you should try to understands his concerns and get his buyin. He should be doing 50 percent of the childcare etc anyway, it is not your responsibility, it is a shared one so this is something that needs discussing. )

Nothing is permanent but by stagnating in your career there’s a bigger chance you get laid off and have fewer choices and have to manage on his salary so this move makes a lot of sense. Corporate is often onwards and upwards or out.

That amount of money, even for a couple of years, will make a real difference to your family’s financial security.

This new role may not be for ever - but it’s a great opportunity for now.

Don’t dig in, listen to him and get him to
u derstand nothing is for ever but there’s a big risk if you don’t take it. Also that it can’t be that you are accused of not caring about the family when you do all the domestic work - that’s not how it works.

Good luck op, it is not fair but that is men for you. Don’t burn your bridges with him but don’t turn it down!!!

Work is inconvenient that's why it's called work! My husband earns way less then what you would earn and l do 2 bedtimes a week on my own. I don’t earn much less than my husband -some months l earn more. Your husband sounds lazy, unsupportive and entitled

Huge congratulations on your achievement!!!!

It’s unlikely a man would get himself into the position of being the main earner and responsible for all child and home care on top in the first place

Again, 2 days a week when OP currently does all 5. You have a warped sense of fairness.