AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Congratulations, OP!

I think so many women get trapped in the situation where they have the high-earning jobs with flexibility (because of seniority) and their husbands have lower earning jobs with rigid hours. What then happens is they do all the wrap-around childcare AND bear the responsibility for keeping the family afloat and their husbands have all the leisure time due to minimal responsibility at both work and at home.

And that’s not a true partnership.

Your husband cannot call all the shots whilst you bear all the burden. He should be proud of your achievements. It’s fine that he wants to do his job - but he does need to step up at home. There is plenty that can be out-sourced out. And your 2 days wfh will be great.

I’d sit down and have a good chat about his concerns. I think part of the problem is he’s currently only doing about 30% in the partnership versus your 70% - and that isnt sustainable.

Dump him, OP. He’s giving me the ick

One important question to ask yourself is how much extra time is this job going to take up? Is it the kind of job where you wil lfeel forever on call and anxious if you don't look at your work phone? How will you feel about less time with your children and husband? Do you think it will be manageable or will it have a negative impact on your family life and relationship?

Not asking to be goady or judge (I don't think there's a right answer, it's compeltely personal) jobs and industries vary massively in expectation and responsibility.

I couldn’t stay with someone who wasn’t supportive of my dreams. He can’t cope with the children two days a week and for most of those days they’ll be at school? I know a woman with a very highly paid husband and she does more solo parenting than twice a week (she works part time). He loves your money but doesn’t love looking after his own children 2 evenings a week.

It doesn't sound like either of you has much respect for the other one. The way you speak about him is pretty contemptuous and you seem to think you should be able to do as you please regardless of his opinion. He, on the other hand, hasn't congratulated you or seems to value your ambition, even if he has his reservations.

Marriage is about being a team - both of you seem to only want it from your side. So I guess there probably isn't much point in carrying on.

Many congratulations! Replace him with a nanny.

I guess all big moves like this need some joint discussion and sometimes jobs have to be turned down. But this just looks like mean-spirited jealousy from him. How dare he not say well done to you.

So, he refuses to parent his own DC or do anything around the house/garden? He does a low-paid job that he loves while you work full time, subside his lifestyle and manage the DC/house, and he does NOTHING else? He won’t even care for his DC before and after childcare for TWO days per week, so his wife can try a new role, that’s an amazing opportunity?

Those are the basic facts of this situation?!

Gently, what DOES he actually bring to the family? What does me give to you, as a life partner? What is the ACTUAL POINT of him?

I just don’t ‘get’ it. You’re obviously successful, intelligent, capable etc. How and why are you tethered to this useless-sounding man, who seems more like a rock tied around your neck, than a supportive, uplifting partner?

What will happen when DC are older and watch you doing everything and him doing nothing - this will be their ‘normal’, their model for how a relationship/family works. It’s not healthy.

Also can I add, irrelevant of if you take this job or not, this special little prince needs to step up and start pulling his weight. Lying in every morning is taking the utter piss. He's incredibly selfish.

I think you have some very internalised sexist ideas to think a woman shouldn’t ‘flaunt’ earning more than her husband for some reason, why is a factual statement an issue?

Why would it be seen as ‘flaunting’ when it’s simply a fact? Would you view it the same way the other way around?

Well done! I also think you should definitely go for it and make it work. Your kids are the right age and you will be able to explain to them that you can't be there 24/7. This is however a situation in which you'll really get to know the man you married - though to be fair, it may be that he's hesitant as it is 'new'/'a change'. So go for it, and tell him you'll reassess in 6 months/1 year if this is doable in the long term. I'm in a similar position and still get quite a lot of push back from those around me (my own parents/inlaws, etc.). Husband is also still complaining a lot after several years but he refuses to understand that it was me who took main care of the kids the first 4-7 years and took a hit in my career by taking maternity leave. What is most important to me is that my kids don't mind. I did sacrifice all my social life and honestly never have much rest. So my free time is spent nearly 100% with the kids. By now I see that my eldest are proud of me and I know as well that I'm much happier.

40k after tax is absolutely fuckloads of money. People on this site are wild.

Your husband doesn’t get to do a low paid “passion” job at your expense (where you have to earn more and do a job you like less) and also do fuck all childcare.

Take the job and give serious consideration to a divorce. The cheeky fucker is lying in bed while you do all the childcare before getting up, having a coffee and swanning straight out. What is he adding?

But his behaviour is contemptuous to be fair. He earns very little in a lifestyle job which requires him to be away from home a lot. He contributes fuck all financially and does minimal domestic or childcare work.

To be a “team” there has to be equity of contribution. Not necessarily directly in financial terms. But if one partner earns a lot less they should do more childcare and domestic work (the standard SAHM model).

By the sounds of it this bloke does next to nothing.

So OP does the childcare, is the bread winner, both allowing him to do an inconvenient job he enjoys. He doesn't get up in the mornings to help with the kids, and doesnt clean. Please do tell us how OP needs to be more of a team? Should she wipe his arse for him too?

Don’t be silly. This is not the same. This husband has no ambition and he’s fine in his low paid job that he can’t do from home. Was that you?

This 100%. If the roles were reversed and it was Mum saying no to the promotion in these circumstances she would be told categorically that she should suck it up and parent her children for the greater good of the family.
Congratulations on your promotion.

Oh dear, another one. Hardly any days pass when we don't get one of these on mumsnet.
By 'another one', I mean a 'D'H who is jealous and resentful of his wife for being a higher achiever than he is.

Congratulations OP! You should take the job, and use the extra money to pay for a nanny if and when you decide to leave 'D'H.

You must be so frustrated at what an utter let down he is. It's not about how much he earns, it's about how much he prioritises himself and himself alone. He doesn't want to compromise, he doesn't want to do his fair share, he wants to have his cake and eat it. You must be struggling to feel positive about your marriage right now, I know I would be.

Seems like you are already bringing a lot to the partnership. What does he bring? Doesn’t sound like much at the moment.

Actually as the thread has progressed I've changed my original opinion from 'get a nanny' to 'get a divorce and a nanny'

This is the thing that is giving me pause, though - men don't just "do it".

If my husband just came home and told me that he'd just had a big promotion which would mean that I'd be parenting two youngish kids on my own 2 days a week, and expect me to be thrilled, I'd be furious.

If he told me to "just deal with it" because my " inconvienient full time job was a low paying passion project", I would be raging.

Sounds like it’s inconvenient for him more like and he just doesn’t want to have to do more than he is, which sounds like nothing! Why is it we have to feel the need to pander to men’s needs. Tell him you’re taking the job regardless and if he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is!

This.

You will be able to afford a nanny and cleaner and it sounds like a great opportunity for you.

So far it seems everything has revolved around him when it comes to work: he has a job he 'loves' but he would not be able to do it if you were not the main breadwinner so frankly he should be supportive. You are the one propping up his lifestyle!

I'm not rolling my eyes at you or your suggestion at all, but im so over doing the emptional labour for men.

It's exasperating that women have fought so long and hard to get the opportunity to get equality, and even when we have it on paper, a lot of the actual men are so weak and pathetic. Its not enough for OP to work, pay and do a fair share of the childcare, she also has to do the emotional labour of helping the poor little lamb work out why he should try and be supportive and not damage his ego.

A whole thread of women here get it.

And men wonder why women don't want (to serve) them.

I agree, this is an appalling opinion which needs to stay firmly in the past. Simply stating a fact is not 'flaunting'. I'm sure OP would appreciate DH's contribution if he actually contributed, but it doesn't sound like he brings anything to the table at all.